How to Haggle, Flee, and Offend Every Camel in Asia

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**Disguise of the Desperate Dolt**

Master Long Jian’s “merchant” disguise included a turban the size of a small moon, a vest sewn from potato sacks, and a fake name: *“Alibaba al-Jian, Purveyor of Fine… Uh… Stuff!”* He joined a Silk Road caravan, hauling a cart of “luxury goods”—discarded swords he’d rebranded as *“Authentic Dragonbone Cutlery!”*

**“Step right up!”** he barked at a passing trader. **“This dagger slew the Emperor’s tailor! A steal at 100 coins!”**

The trader squinted. **“That’s a butter knife.”**

**“…*Cursed* butter knife!”**

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**The Caravan of Chaos**

The caravan was a circus of hucksters:

- **Camel Uncle**: A man who whispered sweet nothings to his camels (*“Who’s my stinky prince? You are!”*).

- **Spice Mistress Li**: A woman who claimed her saffron could “cure baldness and bad karma” (it was just turmeric).

- **Silk Master Po**: A weaver who sold “invisible thread” (*“Trust me, it’s there. You’re just not enlightened.”*).

Long Jian’s attempt to blend in failed spectacularly:

- He tried to haggle using *sword forms*, karate-chopping prices in half.

- He fed a camel chili nuts, claiming it’d “boost stamina.” (The camel spat on his turban.)

- He accidentally auctioned off his pants, mistaking them for “rare silk trousers.”

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**Mei Ling’s Mercantile Mastery**

Unbeknownst to Long Jian, Lady Mei Ling had infiltrated the caravan as *“Madam Phoenix, Broker of Rare Antiquities.”* Her stall? A pop-up tea shop selling *“Divorce Blend Tea: For When He Forgets Your Birthday.”*

**“Three sips, and you’ll feel *empowered*,”** she demoed, ladling tea so strong it melted a customer’s spoon. **“Side effects: temporary blindness and regret.”**

When she spotted Long Jian hawking “dragonbone” junk, she smirked. **“Time for a hostile takeover.”**

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**The Great Spice War**

Mei Ling challenged Long Jian to a **haggling duel**, a Silk Road tradition where merchants battle via increasingly absurd discounts.

**Round 1**:

- **Mei Ling**: **“My saffron cures gout and guilt! 50 coins!”**

- **Long Jian**: **“My dagger… uh… doubles as a backscratcher! 45 coins!”**

**Round 2**:

- **Mei Ling**: **“Buy one tea, get a free curse removal!”**

- **Long Jian**: **“Buy one sword, get a *second sword*! …Wait, that’s just two swords.”**

**Round 3**:

- **Mei Ling**: **“I’ll throw in a *free husband* with every purchase!”** She yanked Long Jian’s turban off, revealing his beet-red face.

The crowd gasped. **“IT’S THE IDIOT WHO SOLD ME A BROKEN COMPASS!”**

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**The Camel Uprising**

As Mei Ling cornered Long Jian, Camel Uncle’s camels—hopped up on chili nuts—stampeded. One bit Long Jian’s vest, mistaking it for a snack. Another spat on Silk Master Po’s “invisible thread,” revealing it was… just air.

**“RUN!”** Spice Mistress Li yelled, hurling turmeric like confetti.

Long Jian leapt onto a camel, clinging to its hump as it bolted into the desert. **“I NAME YOU *LING-LING*!”** he cried.

**“DON’T YOU DARE NAME THAT CAMEL AFTER ME!”** Mei Ling roared, giving chase on a stolen donkey.

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** The Legend of Ling-Ling**

The caravan disbanded, its members penning bad Yelp reviews (*“1 star: Sword merchant ruined my chili nuts”*). Camel Uncle married his favorite camel.

And somewhere in the dunes, a spice-addled camel named Ling-Ling carried a beet-stained swordsman toward his next disaster.

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