How to Brew Regret and Serve It Hot

**The Disguise of Dubious Merit**

Master Long Jian’s idea of a “subtle disguise” was a rice hat the size of a cartwheel, a fake beard made of goat hair, and a robe hastily dyed with beet juice (“*The color of humility!*”). He waddled into the *Jade Serenity Tea House*, hunched like a question mark, and declared to the first waiter he saw: **“I AM A TOTALLY NORMAL TEA MERCHANT. PLEASE IGNORE MY SWORD.**”

The waiter, a teenager named Xiao Li, blinked. “Sir, your beard is… shedding.”

Long Jian glanced down. A clump of goat hair floated into his teacup. **“AHEM. IT’S A NEW FASHION. FROM… TIBET.”**

**The Art of Blending In (Poorly)**

The tea house was a labyrinth of paper screens, bamboo flutes, and elderly patrons napping over their oolong. Long Jian chose a corner table, knocking over a bonsai tree and a tray of dumplings in the process. He snatched a menu, held it upside down, and barked, **“I’LL HAVE THE… *Mystical Dragon Brew*! YES. THAT SOUNDS WARRIOR-LIKE.”**

Xiao Li leaned in. “That’s a children’s drink. It comes with a toy.”

**“PERFECT,”** Long Jian hissed, squinting at the door. **“I COLLECT TOYS. *Cough* NORMAL TEA MERCHANT THINGS.”**

**Enter the Iron Phoenix (and Her Ladle)**

Unbeknownst to Long Jian, Lady Mei Ling had already infiltrated the tea house, disguised as a *“mystical tea reader”* in a veil adorned with tiny bells. She’d swapped her ladle for a “harmless” bamboo tea whisk, which she’d secretly dipped in chili oil.

**“Fortune told, futures sold!”** she trilled, gliding between tables. **“Cross my palm with silver, and I’ll reveal your destiny… *or your imminent demise*.”**

A patron recoiled as she “accidentally” whipped his ear with her veil. **“Destiny says you’ll need ice for that.”**

**The Tea Cup Tango**

Long Jian, now sipping his *Mystical Dragon Brew* (which came with a squeaky rubber dragon), froze as Mei Ling’s bells jingled closer. In a panic, he yanked the rice hat over his face and began loudly reciting Tang poetry: **“*The moon shines bright… like a sword’s edge at midnight…*”**

Mei Ling paused at his table. **“Your aura reeks of guilt,”** she purred, tapping her whisk. **“And… beet juice.”**

**“I’M A BEET FARMER!”** Long Jian blurted, his voice muffled by the hat. **“HERE TO DISCUSS… *ROOT VEGETABLES*.”**

Mei Ling’s veil twitched. **“A beet farmer with a *sword callus* on his right thumb?”**

**“IT’S FOR… *HARVESTING*.”**

**“Of course.”** She slammed her whisk onto the table, splattering chili oil. **“Let me read your leaves.”**

**The Great Tea Leaf Debacle**

Long Jian’s teacup trembled as Mei Ling theatrically swirled the dregs. **“Ahhh,”** she intoned, **“I see a man running from his problems… *and a very angry wife*.”**

**“RIDICULOUS!”** Long Jian’s goat beard slid into his lap. **“I’M A LONELY BEET FARMER WHO… *misses his mother*!”**

**“Your mother,”** Mei Ling snarled, **“would’ve disowned you by now.”**

Across the room, Xiao Li whispered to a cook: **“Should we stop them?”**

The cook shrugged. **“Nah. The old man with the goat beard tipped me to call the town guards. Free entertainment.”**

**The Bamboo Whisk vs. The Rubber Dragon**

When Mei Lung lunged, Long Jian countered with his rubber toy, squeaking it furiously to “distract her chi.” Patrons ducked as chili oil flew, igniting a tray of drunken shrimp.

**“YOUR WHISK LACKS *HARMONIOUS BALANCE*!”** Long Jian shouted, parrying with a teapot lid.

**“YOUR *LIFE* LACKS BALANCE!”** Mei Ling retorted, flipping a table into his shins.

A teapot sailed past Xiao Li’s head. **“That’s a *Ming dynasty antique*!”** the owner wailed, before fainting into a vat of bubble tea.

**The Escape (and the Unpaid Bill)**

Cornered, Long Jian hurled a handful of tea leaves into the air, crying **“*SMOKE BOMB!*”** As Mei Ling swatted at the harmless foliage, he belly-crawled toward the exit, snagging a steamed bun off a startled patron’s plate.

**“STOP THAT BEET FARMER!”** Mei Ling roared, chucking her whisk like a javelin. It pinned Long Jian’s robe to the doorframe.

**“A *true* warrior knows when to retreat!”** he declared, ripping free and leaving half his robe behind.

Mei Ling yanked the whisk from the wall. **“And a *true* wife knows where you sleep!”**

The *Jade Serenity Tea House* banned all beet farmers, rubber dragons, and veiled women. Xiao Li kept the goat beard as a souvenir.

And miles away, Long Jian stumbled into a bamboo forest, clutching his stolen bun and muttering, **“Next time… *I’ll disguise myself as a tree*.”**

A tree, nearby, shuddered.

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