19

...Manuel...

I left the office a little dizzy, Basilio had explained so many things together that I had a headache. I went back to my room and locked myself in, opening the notebook to check it, although I was sure I couldn't look at it much longer, I felt like my head was full of static. I skimmed through a couple of pages before putting it down on my desk. I decided to take a shower to clear my mind before going to bed. I grabbed my pajamas, underwear and went into the bathroom. I turned on the shower faucet to let the water run and warm up. I undressed and, after a minute or two, stepped under the shower. I sighed, feeling the water running over my body, closed my eyes and let it all disappear from my head, let it all melt away for a while. I ran my hands over my face and then through my hair, pulling it back. I sighed again, finished showering and went outside to dry off. I heard a knock on the door that forced me to hurry. I came out of the bathroom already dressed and opened the door to find Maria.

—Sorry to bother you, Father Basilio gave me this.

He handed me a sheet of notebook paper folded in half.

—Thank you. —I smiled—. Good night—. I said.

—Good night, Father.

He also smiled before leaving. I closed the door and looked at what he had given me, it was the schedule of masses for this week, at the end, he had written that only this week he could help me. I turned off the light, put the paper under the Bible I had on the desk and sat down on the bed, grabbed my rosary to pray before going to bed. I tossed and turned a couple of times, but I couldn't sleep, suddenly my head was full of thoughts, mostly fears. I didn't feel ready to take on this role, I had to take care of absolutely everything. I was terrified of getting something wrong, it would be a disaster, especially in the administrative area. What if I didn't give the width to occupy that place? I could be making a big mistake, I could look for someone else who was more competent than me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My grandmother wouldn't want this, wouldn't want me to become a coward after years of preparing myself. I exhaled softly calming my mind, commending myself to God to give me enough strength to take my place and do my best. At least today had not been a bad day, it had gone pretty well for the first day I had been in charge of everything. Basilio had left me the gospels I had to read. I wasn't going to have everything so put together once he wasn't involved in the masses. I was sure he wouldn't be at church tomorrow, although I hoped he would continue with the little administration classes.

...***...

I turned off the alarm and got up tiredly. I had slept so little, I couldn't stop tossing and turning in thought. I was still afraid of doing something wrong, but I couldn't back out now. I grabbed some clean clothes, went into the bathroom to shower and get ready as quickly as I could. Once ready, I left the room and went to the dining room. I sat down in my usual place noticing Basilio's absence. Sister Belen, sitting across from me, didn't miss the opportunity to bring me up to date, Father left quite early to finish paperwork. Maria placed a cup of coffee in front of me with a small plate of toast. I thanked her and waved before she went to serve the rest of the breakfast. I took a sip feeling a knot in my stomach; I wasn't going to be able to eat anything now. It wasn't the first time I had given mass at the parish, but now I wasn't going to be like an intern or a substitute for Basilio, now I was really going to be the one who would run the parish. I couldn't finish my coffee, I left it a few minutes later while I talked to the Sisters who were at the same table as me. I decided to grab my cup and take it to the kitchen, I heard some quick footsteps approaching me when I was in front of the sink.

—Father, please, you don't have to do this. —Said Maria, coming closer.

—I won't drop anything for helping them, Maria, don't worry. —I looked at her smiling.

—Are you feeling well? He barely had breakfast.

—I'm a little nervous.

—But, Father, you've already done this. —She smiled—. You're going to do well.

—Thank you. God willing everything will go well. —I paused and looked at her—. You can call me by my first name. Now that I'm going to take charge, those things will change. Besides, Father Basilio is not around for you to have so much respect for me.

He stared at me for a few seconds before smiling at me. She motioned for me to move and started to wash my cup, I complained, but she just ignored me with a smile on her face, I sighed going back to the dining room, the Sisters were picking up the things we had used for breakfast. I looked at my cell phone, it was still an hour before the first mass. I decided, then, to go back to my room to make up my mind that now I was in control of everything that happened in the parish. I went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, inhaled deeply and looked at my reflection, it was obvious that I was terrified by the responsibilities I was going to have. It was illogical, I had prepared myself for years for this, but I felt as if I had not. I washed my face hoping the water would wash away the fear. It didn't work. I inhaled sharply again and held my breath for a few seconds before gently exhaling. The fear wasn't completely gone, but I felt that at least I could walk down the aisle without shaking too much. I waited in my room for a while until it was time to go to the room where the alb was kept and get ready. When I came out, the altar boys were running to get to the altar before me and prepare what was missing. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall of the room, it was still ten minutes away. I decided to go out anyway to the altar to say hello, instantly, Isabel approached me. It seemed she was unaware of the trouble she could cause me by getting as close as she did. I walked away to go up the aisle and stand behind the lectern without saying anything more than "hello" to her.

The mass went quite well, better than I could have imagined. The nerves melted away when I escaped from Isabel by standing behind the lectern. I helped the altar boys who were going back and forth putting things away. It didn't take long for Nieves to arrive and scold me for doing it, but this time I didn't listen to her, I was going to start from now on to change things in the parish. Once we finished, I said goodbye to the boys and let them go at last. I went to take off and put the alb in its place. As I was leaving, I heard footsteps on the altar, I sensed it was the Sisters or novices cleaning up. I was about to go into my room when I heard Basilio's voice greeting them. I listened to the footsteps approaching until I could see him. He smiled as usual, no longer wearing the clerical collar, he could pass as any ordinary old man. He beckoned me before walking to the office, I followed him intuitively sensing that I was in for another lesson in parish administration. I closed the door behind my back and approached the desk, but he did nothing more than pace around the office for a few moments before turning to me.

—This is your office now, Manuel. —He smiled sadly—. Today I'm going to move my things out with the help of a neighbor.

—How fast, Father.

—Tell me Basilio, I am already retired. —He smiled again in the same way—. I'm glad it's all in your hands.

—Are you sure I'm ready now?

—More than sure. Besides, you are the one who will be in charge of the parish now, the papers are already prepared, you just have to review them and sign them.

—Yes, I know, he told me yesterday.

He came up to me and patted me on the shoulder.

—Son, you're going to do well, don't be afraid.

She reminded me where to find the papers I needed to sign and left the office. I let out a sigh and looked at the desk full of messy papers and envelopes. Now this mess was mine, I had to take care of that pile to go through. I walked over to the window and opened it feeling a little dizzy. I needed to gather courage to face this, now I wasn't so afraid of being in this place, but I needed strength and courage to deal with it in the best way. I took a deep breath closing my eyes to calm my mind for once. Then, I sat down at the desk and started going through the pile of papers I had to read before signing them.

An hour later, everything I had to check was done, or so it seemed. Suddenly, a knock sounded on the door, I exclaimed a tired "come in". The door opened to reveal Gabriel.

—Good morning, Father. —He smiled at me.

—Good morning, Gabi, I'm glad to see you here. Do you need anything?

—Yes, I'm sorry to bother you with something like this, but I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I'm here.

—Benefit?

—My dad and I are going to help Father Basil take things out, so I wanted to ask you if you could bless a little chain. My mom is traveling to see my newborn cousin and wants to take it to her.

—Yes, of course. —I smiled, getting up to approach him—. Let's go to the holy water font.

We went out to the altar and walked to the last row of seats, right next to the entrance was the marble font no more than ten centimeters in diameter. It barely had any holy water left in it, but it was enough for what he had to do. He took the chain out of a small paper packet and, placing it in the palm of his hand, held it out to me. I lightly dipped my fingers in the water, placing my dry hand under his, while he placed the other hand on top of the garment and his palm.

—God, who by Thy word sanctify all things, bless this object, and by the invocation of Thy Most Holy Name....

I began to say, slowly becoming distracted by the sensation of his touch. Again, my body was unfamiliar to me with him so close. It was as if it took on a life of its own, completely disconnected from my brain which, for its part, was nothing more than a tangle of tangled thoughts. Why was it only with him that this was happening to me? Why was he the only one I didn't mind feeling his touch like this with? I snapped back to reality when I heard him say "amen." I was thankful that my head had automated everything related to my duties as a priest, otherwise, I would have stopped praying when I placed my hands around his. I looked up at his face adorned with a sweet, perfect smile. His eyes were shining thanks to the light coming through the front door and reflecting off the floor. Anyone could tell that what I was seeing was the very image of an angel; of Gabriel himself.

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