18

...Gabriel...

I looked at Facu from his desk chair, I had told him what happened last night with Father Manuel and he kept looking at me with a little teasing smile. He hadn't said anything since I finished talking, but he knew perfectly well what I was thinking right now; I knew that at any moment he was going to remind me how much I liked him. I averted my gaze waiting for him to say something, anything he was going to use to tease me, but instead, he remained completely silent. It was rare for him not to take advantage of an opportunity like the one he had now. Suddenly, he grabbed my hands, I looked at him again, he was now sitting on the edge of the bed with a serious countenance.

—Hey, I want to talk about something, now that a week has passed. —He said, fiddling with my hands—. What really happened with Mateo?

—We talked about it.

—We didn't do it, you told me that you remembered and that, instead of thinking about him, you were thinking about Manuel. What do you remember?

—Now, everything. —I let out a sigh—. Mateo gave me juice, but I think it had alcohol in it, I didn't know, I never drank before and that's why I didn't notice.

—He's an asshole...

—Relax, I kissed him first and I guess I played along with the rest. They say alcohol makes you uninhibited.

—But being uninhibited is not the same as being forced.

—He didn't force me, Facu, don't worry. I think he wanted to try.

—You sounded like a curious straight man.

I couldn't help but let out a chuckle causing a smile to appear on his face.

—Relax, Facu, nothing happened.

—Did you at least enjoy it?

—I think so, at least what I remembered, I liked.

—Stop there, I don't want to know so much.

—I thought you did.

—I only like it when you talk about Manuel, I'm going to write a manga about their relationship. —I laughed again—. Don't laugh, it's going to be a famous manga.

—What a fool you are when you want to be.

He smiled, squeezing my hands a little.

—If it helps to make you laugh....

—Why are you interested in making me laugh?

Seriousness returned to his face, his features hardened. He let go of my hands gently.

—For my sister.

—I didn't know you had a sister.

He let out a sigh and ducked his head for a few seconds, I regretted making him have to talk to me about something he surely didn't want to. I was about to tell him that he didn't need to when he looked up at me again.

—You knew her, but when she was Rodrigo. —I opened my eyes wide—. Do you remember that people talked about him for being a faggot?

I pressed my lips together before shaking my head. I had been almost all my childhood engrossed with Santi, I hardly paid attention to anything else, I found out things when he commented on it, otherwise, I didn't know too much about what was going on in the neighborhood, I didn't care either.

—He was very feminine, even if he didn't want to be. He never wanted to play ball with me or anything like that.

—I didn't like it when I was little either.

—But you didn't like dolls. I don't think you liked stealing your mom's makeup and wearing it either. —He sighed—. I know these are things boys do, whether they are boys or girls, but Rodri was different. Well, when he was about fourteen or fifteen, he realized he wasn't a boy, but a girl. That sparked a war with my mom.

—I don't understand...

—She is a transsexual woman, Gabo. She didn't feel like a man, as she was supposed to be born. At sixteen she got tired of fighting with my mother and went to live with a friend from Del Viso. My mom decided not to have more children than me, you know, because of the Bible.

He grabbed my hands again, this time intertwining our fingers.

—I saw her suffer enough with everything she went through as she opened up to the world as who she was. I heard her cry all the time. I wouldn't want you to go through the same thing, that's why I want to make you laugh, support you when you have a bad day, or are afraid to say who you are.

I stared at him for a few seconds, understanding why he had spoken to me again after a long time of not doing so. That's why he didn't feel disgusted with me and had been able to read me without any problems. We remained in complete silence. I felt safe with him, he was the right person to keep my secret. I hoped I wouldn't have to run away like she had. If I had to, where could I go? I could not take refuge with anyone. Facu was a good friend and I knew he would not leave me alone, but I could not stay here, not knowing how his mother had behaved with his brother. Facu was quick to bring up a new, less serious topic of conversation. He let go of my hands and lay down on the bed, placing his hands under his head. I didn't pay too much attention to him, I couldn't think of anything but the story he had told me. How had he been so brave? I couldn't stand being singled out in the neighborhood, everyone knowing I was gay, picking fights with my parents over it. I was afraid the same thing would happen to me.

—Hey, did you finish organizing everything with Manuel? —He asked suddenly.

—Yes, this morning.

—And you had to go to mass anyway? What a drag, Gabo! Don't you get tired of going every day to listen to the same thing every time?

—No, especially not now. Manuel told me that he is going to take care of everything starting monday. It's going to be hard to concentrate on getting the deviant out.

—Don't be a jerk, will you? Stop saying that, Gabo. You're not deviant, you're just gay. There's nothing wrong with liking boys.

I was completely silent again, I didn't want to spark an argument with him, not after seeing his countenance change again. I didn't want him to get angry and leave me alone now, less when he knew my secret. I averted my gaze observing his room, now it wasn't as messy as usual, it seemed he had decided he had to clean up at least a little. I heard him let out a sigh, which was overshadowed by a few knocks on the door. He got up and went to the door to open it. I turned around to see, on the other side was his mom, she looked at me for a few seconds before looking back at him, she got close enough and whispered something to him that I couldn't understand. I was scared, could she have overheard something we were talking about? What if I told my parents I was gay and they kicked me out? Where was I going to go? I didn't want to stay on the street. I held my breath until Facu sat back down on the bed as if he could make me invisible. I let the air out softly, staring into his face.

—What happened?

—Nothing important. We're going to have dinner in a while, I don't know if you want to stay.

—No, I'm leaving, I don't want to bother you anymore.

—Hey, stop, don't you want me to go with you? —I shook my head—. Are you sure?

—Yes, don't worry.

I got up and headed for the door, but he grabbed my wrist, making me look at him. Before I could realize it, he hugged me with some force. Since Mateo, Facu had this kind of gesture quite often. I reciprocated without knowing very well what to say or do, I was not used to them being so affectionate with me. The first and only time I hugged Santi in my whole life was when he had to leave for the priesthood.

—Please, stop thinking you're bad. No matter how much they repeat it in the Bible, you're a good boy and that's all that matters.

He whispered in my ear before separating completely from me. We stood looking at each other for a few seconds, I nodded and left the room, he walked me to the front door, where we said goodbye. I walked down the sidewalk distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about what he had told me about his brother. I had barely heard about Rodrigo when we were hanging out with him. I wasn't interested at the time either, the less I saw Facundo the better it was for me, I had no idea what a friend he really was. I put my hands in my jacket pockets, it seemed to get colder and colder at night. When I got home, I barely greeted my parents, who were watching TV sitting on the couch. I locked myself in my room, changed and went to bed feeling my body freeze. Noah soon jumped out of my desk chair and lay down next to me, snuggling against my body. I petted him, listening to him purr. It soothed me, but it wasn't enough to get the thoughts out of my head, the story Facu had told me was still spinning in my head. I wish I could be that brave, but I wasn't just afraid of my parents or the stigma I would have from the whole neighborhood, I was also afraid of the punishment I might suffer for disobeying God's teachings. I inhaled deeply and exhaled forcefully, closing my eyes. I could not listen to Facu, I did not want to disobey what I had learned since I was born, I did not want to disappoint my parents, nor did I want to be pointed at in the street for being a sodomite. 

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