14

...Gabriel...

When we left the parish, Facundo started to bother me about the volunteer work that Manuel had offered me. I had planned to participate, I always did, but being asked directly by him had a different flavor. I walked quietly while Facu kept talking about who knew what, after he teased me about Manuel, I was completely distracted. I didn't know how to feel, whether to be happy or not, after all, Isabel was going to be there too, I didn't know what Manuel thought of her. I couldn't ask him either, he might think that I liked her or that I was trying to accuse him of something that I knew wasn't happening; or at least I wanted to think that nothing was happening between them. When we got to my house, I said goodbye to Facu and went inside. My dad had fallen asleep on the living room couch with the TV on. He was covered almost up to his nose with a winter blanket we had bought on a trip to the south. I turned off the TV and went over to him, called him a couple of times, but he didn't answer, he didn't even move. The best thing to do was to let him sleep, even if it was on the couch. I went into my room to find a shadow curled up on my bed. I closed the door behind me and turned on the light, Noah didn't move an inch just like my dad, I could only see his loins rise and fall with his breathing. I reached over to pet him, he stretched out his little legs before becoming still again. I smiled wishing I could be as calm as he was. I wished I could stop thinking so much about everything and just get on with life. I collapsed on the bed next to him closing my eyes tiredly. Suddenly, images like camera flashes began to appear in my mind. I remembered Mateo's sweaty face, staring at me with his mouth half open. I jumped in place, it was what had happened last night. The images came up one after another and I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to remember it, but my mind was forcing me to. Why couldn't I be like the drunks and forget that part of my life? Cut it out, make it into a bun and throw it in the trash so I would never have to come across it again in my entire life. Unable (and unwilling) to control my body, I closed my eyes letting the memories wash over me. I felt her hands run over my body as vividly as if she was doing it right now. I felt his breath crash against my cheek and neck, his lips wandering all over my body. I didn't feel bad now, quite the contrary, I sincerely wanted him. I wanted him to kiss me again, to hold me against his body, to run his hands wherever he wanted. I could remember perfectly how it felt to have him inside me. I felt like the cloth prison my erection was in was his hand in that frenzy of memories.

A knock on the door made me jump, I opened my eyes, I was in my room with Noah still asleep. The knocking sounded again, I got up quickly, walked over to the door and opened it to find my dad looking at me with a sleepy face. I was thankful that he still seemed to be asleep, I felt my thoughts showing on my face and hoped he wouldn't notice.

—Gabi, I didn't hear you come in. How was the mass?

—Good. Father Basilio is back, dad. How do you feel?

— I don't feel well, I think I'm going to go to bed now, but I wanted to see if you arrived.

—Facu accompanied me back as well.

—That boy takes good care of you, it seems you have a good friend there, take care of him.

—Yes, dad. —I smiled—. Shall I make you some tea? You look a little pale.

—No, thanks, monkey. I'm going to sleep now. God bless you.

He put his hand on my head and made the sign of the cross on my forehead with his thumb. I also greeted him by peeking out the door to watch him walk away to his room. Once I saw him go inside and close the door, I went to the bed, took Noah in my arms to get him out, locked my door and turned off the lights. Once again the guilt was coursing through my body after what I had done. It had done no good to confess to Father Manuel, I had lied anyway, I didn't want him to find out I was a sodomite. Would he want to come near me when he found out I was? I was sure he wouldn't, that he would be disgusted if he found out. My head, as if controlled by the devil himself, was throwing images of what had happened over and over and over and over again. The distraction with my dad had done nothing to keep my sin away. My body was reacting, but now it was almost as if the same blood was burning me. I walked to my bed and collapsed. I could now remember with total clarity everything from beginning to end. How I had kissed Matthew, how he had taken me to his room and how he had led me into the sin of lust and sodomy. His somewhat rough hands ran up and down my body leaving not an inch untouched. This time I could not restrain myself, neither was there anyone or anything to distract me, I lowered my hand to my pants, unbuttoned them and pulled the garment down along with my boxer shorts. I closed my eyes letting myself be carried away again by the memory of the sensations. It was no longer Mateo making me moan, now it was Manuel. Imagining his hands, warm and soft, on my body made me unable to stop. I wanted to have him like I had Mateo, to have him on top of me making me moan instead of being myself. My hand, which was now Father's, moved faster, making my muscles tense and sighs escaped my lips with his name. I bit my lower lip in a small gesture of sanity, I couldn't let my dad hear me moan Manuel's name. I moved my hand faster closing my eyes tightly and biting my lower lip as hard as I could to keep from making noise. The thought of having him with me right now was driving me crazy, it made my blood turn to lava and burn inside me. I would give anything to feel his lips on mine or anywhere he wanted to place them. He could do whatever he wanted to me right now. The tightening tension in my lower belly was bringing me back to reality. His hand was mine again, Manuel was no longer on top of me, but disappeared at the very moment he ejaculated. I opened my eyes at last, my breathing was agitated and I felt the taste of blood in my mouth. I raised my hand to the level of my eyes, my fingers were smeared, they felt sticky. I took off what was left of the clothes I had come out in, used my t-shirt to clean my hand, groin and lower abdomen before leaving it lying on the floor. I got dressed again, this time in my pajamas, and lay down under the covers. I stared at the ceiling for a few seconds with a blank mind, but remorse quickly set in. My eyes filled with tears.

—H-how can I be so disgusting?

I whispered, covering my face with my hands. I felt dirty again, disgusting. Why couldn't I control any of this? My body seemed to work on its own every time I ended up masturbating, everything in me seemed to flow into a primal instinct that I couldn't repress no matter how much I wanted to. I started sobbing like a little boy. I didn't know what else I could do to change who I was and what I was doing. Reading the Bible, praying, going to confession, I had already done it, but everything always seemed to be the same.

—I-I hate myself so much...

I closed my eyes unable to stop crying. I hated myself so much for being born this way, for not being what my parents would have wanted me to be. I made myself as small as I could in bed, trying to calm down a little so I could at least sleep.

...***...

—How do you feel now, Gabo?

Facundo asked from the other side of the table. I took advantage of the fact that my dad wasn't there when I got home from school to send him an almost distress message to come see me and, to my good fortune, he had nothing to do.

—I don't know. Still bad.

—Why?

—Because I suck, Facu. Last night I remembered everything that happened in the early morning with Mateo and my head diverted everything to Manuel.

—How the priest has you. —He smiled, but it didn't last more than a few seconds—. Sorry, but it's true. You've got the hots for him.

—Yeah, I guess. —I sighed—. So what do I do now?

—Declare him and fuck him like rabbits?

I felt my whole face burn.

—Don't give my imagination any more slack! I need to change this, it's not right.

—What's not right?

—That I like Manuel. Or that I like him. Or that I am gay.

—Don't be a jerk, Gabo, we already talked about this and I told you you're fine. —He left his fork on his plate, wiped his mouth with his napkin and looked at me again, now more serious—. If it was bad that you're gay, why didn't you ever fall in love with a girl? God made you that way because he didn't want you to marry a woman, but to be happy with a man.

I stared at him completely speechless, I wouldn't have expected such a response from him ever. He went back to focusing on his food while I played with mine, thinking about what he had just told me.

—Why are you so sure of that?

—Because God wants you to be good and that's what you are. You always were, gay or not.

I smiled and looked down at my plate.

—Thank you.

—Nothing. You'd better finish eating, so we can go for a walk and distract yourself from all the stupid things you're thinking.

—Could you speak properly?

—No, prude.

Asmirk appeared on his face that made me laugh. I couldn't even get mad at himlike before, this had started to be our way of treating each other. Wecontinued eating while we talked about other more banal topics, but I didn'ttake my mind off what he had told me. I didn't understand how he wasn'tdisgusted to approach me, or why it seemed so normal for him to know I was gay.We had been raised the same way, we had gone to church since we were born, howcould he be so different from so many people in the neighborhood? I wasbeginning to be quite glad to have him as a friend now. At least I had someoneto talk to about what was going on with me and how I felt about Manuel. He hadalmost fallen out of the sky to be there for me now that I needed him. 

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