12

...Gabriel...

As soon as mass was over, I went to Facundo's house, he wasn't there, his mom told me he was at his uncle's store and gave me the address. It wasn't far from there, so I walked straight to where he was. I needed to talk to him. When I got there, I waited outside, there were no more than a couple of neighbor ladies, who took minutes to come out. When it emptied out, I went inside.

—Gabo. —he smiled—. What can I give you?

—Father Manuel told me that you told him I was going to see him later.

—And isn't it true?

—Yes, but you don't have to tell him anything for me.

He leaned a little over the counter that separated us.

—It was an excuse, I saw him with Isabel.

—Isabel?

——Yeah, you know what they say about her? —he said quietly, I shook my head—. She'll go down on any man she likes. You know, I don't have any problems, unless she goes down on a friend's man.

—What are you talking about?

—I'm not going to let him get close to Father knowing that you like him.

This last thing he said lowering his voice enough so that no one but me could hear him. I felt my cheeks burn with that, I wanted to refuse, but I knew that he would not be able to say anything without sending me to the front, if someone came in at this moment, I was going to end my life alone. I bit my tongue to avoid shouting something at him.

—I don't know if you believe me, but she was quite close to him, I'm sure she wants to take him away.

—Well... it's a girl, it would be normal if he was attracted to Isabel.

—He didn't look very comfortable, especially because Isabel was rubbing up against him. —He giggled—. I know it might bother you, but don't make that face, Gabo.

I felt my face burning again, it seemed that I was not good at hiding what was happening to me with Manuel. I let out an embarrassed sigh.

—You should relax a little. Will you come with me to a party tonight?

—I don't know, I have to ask at home.

—Come on, Gabo, you're a big boy now. Come on, relax a bit and forget about the whole Isabel and Father thing. —I looked at him doubtfully—. Your parents have got you by the balls. Come on! Nothing's going to happen to you.

—Stop talking like that, please. —I snorted—. Okay, I'm coming with you. Are you coming by my house?

—Yes, get ready for ten o'clock or so.

—So late?

—Don't fuck around, Gabriel! It's okay if you go out one day at night.

He rolled his eyes.

—Well, text me... I'll see you tonight.

He nodded and waved to me. I walked out of the store and headed for home. I wasn't too sure about going out tonight, I didn't usually do that. I wasn't sure if my parents would mind either, what if they took it the wrong way? Facundo wasn't going to stop bothering me about it, I could hear it in my head. When I arrived, I went straight to the kitchen and looked for something to eat, it was past noon and I hadn't eaten anything. There was nothing ready in the fridge, I had no choice but to cook. While I was cooking, I thought about what Facundo had told me, had he really come over just to see what Isabel was doing with her father? He seemed to have an impeccable behavior, but, if what Facu said was true, I could not trust her. I didn't want her to get too close to him, it bothered me to even think about it.

—Shit!

I exclaimed when the knife blade made a deep cut in the skin of my index finger. I felt like an idiot, I couldn't have been so distracted with the knife in my hand, I could have cut myself worse. I turned on the cold water faucet and put my injured finger under it long enough for the blood to stop coming out. Once it stopped bleeding, I went to the bathroom, opened the first aid kit and took out the bottle of alcohol, some gauze and some band aids, I wasn't sure if it would cover the whole cut, but it would do until I finished cooking. When I finished healing my finger, I went back to the kitchen and finished as best I could what I was doing, this time trying not to cut off my finger or think about Isabel's intentions. It was none of my business what was going on between them, after all, she had more opportunity than I did to get her attention.

I ate as fast as I could and washed what I had used. I put some food in Noah's jar and went into my room, he was sleeping peacefully in my bed, at least he was until I uttered the magic words, "time to eat". He got up and trotted to the corner of the kitchen where he had his plate. For my part, I sat down in front of the computer and turned it on. I flipped through YouTube, switching back and forth between videos without being able to concentrate on any of them. There was nothing else occupying my mind but the blissful image of Isabel hugging Manuel. I seemed to punish myself every time the image came up. I was jealous, I couldn't deny it no matter how much I wanted to. I wished I could be in her place, could get that close without feeling sin creeping up my back; without feeling disgusted with myself. I hoped that going out tonight would make me forget about this. Suddenly, I heard noises in the kitchen, it was probably my dad, he only worked until noon on Saturdays. He peeked out the door, looked at me and gave me a terse greeting before going into the kitchen again. I got up to go with him.

—Dad, I was invited to a party tonight.

—At night? What time?

—Facu is coming by at ten o'clock.

—Since when did you start going out so late? —He looked at me after taking a container of food out of a bag—. I don't want you to get sidetracked. Who is this Facu?

—I used to hang out with him when Santi was there, don't you remember, dad? I'm going out with him.

He was silent for a few seconds looking at me.

—Well, but be careful what you do, kid.

—Yes, dad, trust me.

—What time will you be back?

—I don't know.

—If they're closer to his house, stay there, okay? —I agreed—. Watch out for the girls you might meet at the party and what you drink. I don't want you to become a drunk.

I nodded again, he looked at me with a serious look on his face, but said nothing more. He warmed up his food and sat down at the table. I went into my room, this time followed by Noah, who climbed onto my lap as soon as I sat down in front of the computer again. He settled in making himself as small as possible and closed his little eyes. I stroked his head as lovingly as I could, getting him to purr. I still couldn't believe how much he had grown in a year. When my mom found him he was nothing but a tiny little ball of fur that could almost fit in the palm of my hand. I smiled as if I had forgotten all my problems just by watching him sleep.

The rest of the afternoon went by without too many surprises, my mind had managed to distract itself from everything and no longer punished me with the same image over and over again. As usual, I went to the meeting of the missionaries, but I decided not to stay, I did not want my mind to play tricks on me and remind me clearly of the talk with Facundo, much less when I saw Isabel. If everything was true, it was not funny to see them together.

As soon as I got home, I went to take a bath and then got ready to go to church with my parents. When I went out to the dining room, I saw my mom putting away the lunch boxes full of food for after mass. My dad commented to her that he would be going out later causing her to spout off a sermon about how careful he should be, not to walk around at night alone and so on. She didn't stop even when we were on our way to church, although I had stopped listening to her a long time ago. I had already missed most of the recommendations she had given me. We sat down in one of the back pews just as Father Manuel stood behind the lectern. I felt his gaze fixed on me for some reason, almost as if he could recognize me without any problem among the neighbors in the neighborhood. I didn't know how to feel at this thought, I didn't know whether to be happy or not. I realized I was smiling like a fool when I started to pray. I hoped no one had noticed, I wouldn't know what to answer if they asked me, embarrassment would get the better of me and I would end up drawing a complete blank. I took a deep breath with the intention of following the mass as best I could, keeping my mind from wandering.

When it was over, my parents and I left without wasting a second. We walked back to my house, my parents ahead of me talking about Manuel. I wasn't paying special attention to what they were saying, my head was elsewhere. I remained just as distant until Facu sent me his message letting me know he would be home soon. I changed my sweater for a sweatshirt and put a warm jacket over it. It wasn't long before I heard the door, put away my cell phone, wallet and keys, and went out of my room to open it for him. My mom reminded me of all the recommendations she had given me hours before, greeted me as if, instead of going to a party, I was going to a war, and entrusted me to God before she finally let me out.

—Your folks aren't used to you going out, are they?

—It's the first time I've been out at night.

—Don't fuck with me, really? —I said—. You're such a saint.

—I wish it were. How far away is the place?

—No, it is in Del Viso. It's about five minutes by bus.

I nodded again. We walked to the bus stop talking about banalities. Today it seemed that Facu didn't want to bother me too much about Manuel and Isabel, he hadn't even mentioned them. On the contrary, he seemed more excited to see me at the party, he seemed to sincerely want me to be distracted and have a good time.

As Facu had said, five minutes later we were walking down a dimly lit dirt road to a house full of people. A boy greeted us and led us into the living room.

—Do you want something to drink? —Facu asked me.

—Anything that does not contain alcohol.

—Please, Gabo! Can't you stop being self-righteous for at least one night?

—I never drank anything with alcohol, Facu, I'm sure it won't do me any good.

He let out a heavy sigh.

—Okey, I'll see what I can find.

That said, he went to the kitchen. I sat down on one of the armchairs with a slightly self-conscious body, I didn't know anyone but Facu. He came back a while later with a couple of glasses in his hands, handed me one with juice and sat down on the armrest of the armchair I was occupying. I took a sip of the drink, I felt a slightly strange aftertaste, but I assumed it was the disposable glass. I could usually taste the slight plastic taste when I used one of these cups.

—You can be calm here, Gabo. —I looked at him without understanding—. There are people like you.

—Yes, you, for example. —I squinted—. I'm not weird at all.

—You are for this century, Gabo. That saintly look is not at all common. —He smiled—. You know what I mean.

—I'm not going to tell anyone.

—Why not? You might find someone you like.

—Do you know chastity?

—Really, Gabo? You can't be so boring, much less today.

The best thing to do was to keep quiet, I didn't want to argue with him now. I took another sip of juice while he got up and went to a girl who hadn't stopped looking at him since we arrived. I couldn't be like Facu, I couldn't even aspire to have any of the girls there looking at me. In a few minutes, they were all dancing in a space they had made between the dining table and the living room armchairs. I looked down at my nearly empty glass. I had never been to a party like this before, I didn't know how to dance and I didn't know the songs that the others seemed to know backwards and forwards. I thought, maybe it hadn't been a good idea to come. I could have stayed at home watching videos on my computer with Noah on my lap as usual.

—Can I get you something else to drink?

I turned around, on the armrest was the same guy who greeted us earlier. I nodded, he grabbed the glass with a smile and disappeared through a door. Shortly after, he returned with a full glass, which he extended to me, still smiling.

—Don't you want to go out for a while? So we can talk quietly.

—Eh... Okey.

I got up and followed him into the kitchen. There were tetrabriks of fruit juice, bottles of alcohol and a couple of jugs on the counter. We went out the kitchen door that led to a back garden with a swimming pool and several wooden deck chairs. He sat on the edge of one, pulled another over and motioned for me to sit in front of him. I settled in, taking another sip of juice, the aftertaste I had felt before disappeared completely.

—My name is Mateo, are you?

—Gabriel.

—Nice name, like you.

I choked on my drink and started coughing. I wasn't used to being told things like that, let alone if it was another man.

—Relax, you don't have to be nervous, if you don't like boys it's okay.

—I-I... I... —I stammered in a whisper.

—You haven't come out of the closet yet, have you?

—I-it's complicated... I don't want to talk about it, please.

—All right, all right, relax, I'm not judging you.

I took another sip of my drink trying not to drown again. I felt a little dizzy and light, as if everything in my mind had completely disappeared. I drank again, this time taking a longer gulp. I didn't feel as self-conscious as I had a few minutes ago, Mateo didn't seem to be either. I looked at him, he was talking animatedly, but I hadn't paid attention to any of his words.

—Was it very difficult for you? —I said, interrupting him. He looked at me without saying anything—. Coming out of the closet. Was it very difficult?

—No, my parents don't really care what I do with my life as long as I keep working —I nodded—. Yours aren't like that, are they?

—If they find out I'm gay, they will surely crucify me.

I felt strange saying "gay" so lightly, normally I couldn't do that, but now the words flowed without any problem. He let out a chuckle as he patted my knee. I liked the feel of his touch, I liked that he was so close that everything we said seemed like a secret.

We talked for a few more minutes, he told me a bit about his experience and encouraged me to talk to my parents. Right now I could tell anyone I was gay, I felt confident in myself and everything I thought. I could even tell Manuel how much I liked him, that I wanted him to kiss me, to take my virginity. I could do anything right now. Mateo grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the house again saying he wasn't going to dance unless it was with me. I smiled putting my embarrassment aside.

...***...

I woke up feeling my cheek being gently caressed. At first I thought it was Noah running his paw over my face as he did when he slept late and wanted my place to sleep, but it didn't take me long to realize it wasn't him. I opened my eyes groggily, feeling a pounding headache.

—Good morning, sleepyhead.

I jumped at the sound of that voice and turned quickly to find Mateo next to me. I got as far away from him as I could without falling off the single bed we were in.

—What's wrong?

—What happened last night? Where is Facundo?

—Facu? He's sleeping on the couch, he didn't want to leave without you.

I couldn't concentrate very well on what he was telling me, I was completely distracted looking at his bare chest. I brought my hands to mine, he was too. I got up as fast as I could and reached for my clothes with my mind full of static from the pain I was in. What had happened? I couldn't remember anything after dancing with Mateo. Once dressed, I left the room without paying attention to what he was saying. I walked to the living room, Facundo was lying on the biggest armchair covered by his jacket.

—Facundo —I moved him, he opened his eyes for a few seconds and closed them again—. Facundo, get up!

I moved him again, this time with a little more force. He jumped up and looked at me with a sleepy face.

—I need to go, come on, get up.

—Why? What happened?

—Come on, let's go, I'll tell you at home.

—Gabi, what happened? Are you leaving already?

I heard Mateo's voice behind me. Facu looked at him and looked at me again, I returned his pleading look. He seemed to finally understand what I wanted, he got up and put on his jacket. I looked for mine, put it on and went out while my friend said goodbye to the owner of the house.

When we had finally arrived at Facu's house, I collapsed on his bed and covered my face with my hands. I could no longer hold back the urge to cry. I felt dirty, disgusting, I had sinned.

—What is it, Gabo? —I felt his hands on my knees—. Did he do something to you?

—What did you give me to drink?

I pulled my hands away and looked at him, he was squatting in front of me, he had a worried look on his face.

—Juice, that's what I specifically asked Mateo, to serve you juice without anything else. When you finished drunk, I thought you had asked for something to taste.

—He got me drunk to sleep with me....

—Shit... It was my fault...

Before I could say anything, he hugged me. I couldn't claim anything from him, he hadn't been to blame for this. I let out a sigh, clinging to him like a little boy.

—Are you all right? Do you want to do something? —he asked without separating from me.

—N-no... thank you.

We stayed like that for a few more minutes in complete silence. When I calmed down, I washed my face and went home with him. I felt that Facu was like a big brother ready to comfort me. He had behaved like one since we left Mateo's house. I said goodbye to him thanking him for his gestures, then I went inside. My parents were having breakfast at the dining room table, they offered me some coffee, but I refused, I didn't want to do anything but spend hours under the shower and go to church when the headache passed. 

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