8

...Gabriel...

I would have given anything to have him with me for at least another hour, but, if he stayed, my head was going to start bothering me. I washed the dishes as fast as I could to lock myself in my room longer. Noah was lying on my bed under a ray of sunlight streaming through the window. I took out my cell phone and looked at it briefly, I had a message from Facu, but I decided to look at it later, I needed to have some time alone. I took Noah out of my room leaving him some food to give me the time I needed alone, at least for a while he wouldn't be meowing on the other side of the door trying to get in. I closed the curtain as best I could, sat on the bed staying with my head just below the window. I let my imagination run wild as I unbuttoned my pants. First it was Santiago who was the object of my fantasy, but, as my hand moved faster, his figure blurred to make way for Manuel. I closed my eyes. Now I wanted him, I wanted him to be the one to run his hands over my body, which now burned with desire at the thought. I bit my lip, moving my hand faster. I didn't want to make any noise, even if I was alone, the sound made evident the sin I was committing. Manuel was the one who touched me in my fantasy, who made me squirm, who asked me to be silent as if we could hide from God like this. His hand, a little bigger than mine, encircled my member and he moved it quickly. My muscles were tensing, I was reaching my limit, I felt I couldn't take any more. My lower abdomen was contracting more and more until I finally ejaculated. I opened my eyes with slightly agitated breathing, I almost expected to find Manuel's face glued to mine about to kiss me, but there was nothing but emptiness and guilt. I looked down at my fingers smeared with the white liquid. I let out a heavy sigh coming back to reality. I straightened my clothes, grabbed clean clothes and headed to the bathroom to shower.

A few minutes later, I came out ready, although I still felt guilty. I couldn't have that kind of thoughts with a father, much less with one that I would have to see from here until I die, I was sure that I would not leave the neighborhood, I didn't want to do it and that meant that I would see Manuel until my last days. I went back to my room followed by Noah who was meowing at me to make me listen to him once and for all. I sat down in front of the computer, he automatically climbed up on my lap and curled up purring. I opened YouTube to, a minute later, get lost in a random video.

A knock on the door made me jump, I quickly got up and opened the door to find my mom smiling at me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked me to put away what I had brought for dinner while she took a shower. As I complied, my dad arrived, he was full of grease and oil. He greeted me without getting too close, still wiping his hands with a rag that surely made him dirtier. I commented that my mom was in the shower and that I was going to have to wait a bit.

—Che, they told me they saw you with the new Father today.

I looked at him a little nervously, almost as if he had committed some crime.

—I'm glad you're approaching him, he might get you a good job in the parish.

—Yes, Dad. Maybe I'll have a secure job when I finish.

He smiled at me.

—What have you been doing?

—I took him on a tour of Del Viso and then took him to lunch, we were running around quite late.

—Well, Gabi, this way you'll earn a favor.

I knew what he meant by "favor," but my mind, playing against me as usual, imagined the same thing as in the afternoon. Father Manuel performing favors of a different kind with me. My mom's interruption in the kitchen made me, thank God, distracted. My dad gave her a short kiss on the lips and went into the bathroom.

—Are you going to church like that?

I looked at her and looked down at my clothes, they were the same style I wore when I didn't have to study, a black hoodie and blue jeans.

—At least put on one of the new sweaters, Gabi. Come on, let's go.

I nodded, even though I didn't really feel like changing. I went into my room and looked for one of the sweaters my mom was talking about. Once I put it on, I looked at the mirror hanging on one of the walls. Santiago would have liked this sweater, it was navy blue with turtleneck, he would have loved the color, I was sure he would borrow it from me whenever he could. Suddenly, Santi's image vanished in my head to give way to Manuel's. Would he like to see me like this? I shook my head quickly. He would never look at me the way I would like him to, after all, he was a priest, he had a permanent vow of celibacy. I went back outside, my mom was looking at her cell phone sitting at the dining room table, while my dad was taking a bath, I could hear the shower running.

—How did it go at work?

I asked, sitting down next to her, she grimaced, leaving her cell phone on the table. She began to tell me how the day had been at the salon. Apparently, they had had to call an ambulance for a girl who had had an accident at home. The story was only half told, as my dad came out of the bathroom. My mom got up and went straight to him as if he couldn't dress himself. I took out my cell phone and looked at the screen, I had messages from Facundo. I opened them after making sure my parents were still in the room.

—Don't think I didn't see how you get with the priest.

—You don't like the way Santiago looks?

—Do you have a priest fetish? That would be a little weird.

—Are you going to tell me what happened at your house?".

I squinted, it seemed he had nothing more to talk about than my orientation, almost as if I was a weirdo and he was trying to figure out how it worked.

— "Nothing happened. We had lunch and he left.

—How boring. Wouldn't you have liked to have slept with him?

— "Let's talk about it tomorrow, I don't want to do it now."

—Shall we go to Pilar? I know a coffee shop you'll like".

I didn't answer more than an "ok" before closing WhatsApp and locking my cell phone. I put it in my pocket as my parents left the room. My mom put on an apron and started cooking while my dad sat across from me. He went on and on about his job and how much he wished he had been a mechanic like him, or a priest, like Santiago. I remained completely silent, not wanting to spark an argument over choosing a career that few people in this neighborhood took. When my mother had finished cooking, she put the food in a container and left it in the refrigerator. Afterwards, we left in the direction of the church. They were walking ahead of me, talking about who knew what, I didn't pay much attention to them, in my mind there was no room for anything but Facundo's question. I hated him, I hated that he made me overthink something like that. "Wouldn't you have liked to sleep with him?" the question was going around in my head as if I hadn't masturbated thinking about it. As if it was the first time I'd ever had a thought of such magnitude. Did I want that to come true? Maybe more than I'd like to admit. How could Facundo read me so well? We had spoken so few times that to me he was nothing more than a stranger, just another neighbor in the neighborhood. The most important thing was why he was so interested in what I felt or wanted. That was stranger than finding out he was gay.

When we arrived at the parish we settled into the back seats, this time I had been in the middle of the place, between them and the people who might sit to my right. I lowered my head with the intention of ignoring anyone who wanted to talk to me at that moment, unless it was....

—Hello, Gabi.

He, smiling at me as he settles in next to me. He averts his eyes to my parents, greets them, introduces himself to my mom and her to him. I look at his hands, thick fingers, but not like my dad's, no calluses anywhere. They weren't rough, they looked soft and strong at the same time. I felt stupid looking at him like that; thinking like that, but I was unable to stop myself, I was unable to push away thoughts similar to the ones I had alone in my house. Would his hands feel like they did in my fantasy? I would give anything to know. I looked up at his face, he was talking to my parents in a cheerful manner, he had a half smile curving one corner of his lips. I found that the urge to kiss him burned my lips almost as much as the urge to tell my parents how gay I was, even if doing so would earn me a beating for being a pervert. What would that matter if I could be with Manuel in the end? His brown eyes fixed on mine.

—Everything all right, Gabi?

Her voice brought me back to reality like a bucket of cold water. The fantasy in which I was enveloped vanished completely. I nodded awkwardly, I had forgotten something as basic as that. I'd become an idiot when I over-observed Father Manuel. My brain would turn to jelly until he spoke to me. I had to calm my stupid thoughts already or they would cause me a problem soon and I was not amused, much less if it was right in front of him.

...***...

—Do you remember what I told you the other day at your house? The dreams, the improper thoughts, the strange ideas... Everything happens to me again, but with Manuel.

—You're really looking forward to it, Gabi. —He giggled—. Come on, what's wrong with that? It happens to all of us.

—It can't happen to me, do you understand? That's all the Bible condemns.

—Your parents went through this too, as self-righteous as they are now.

—Wipe your mouth before talking about them like that.

—I'm telling the truth, you weren't born from a cabbage, nor did the stork bring you here, nor were you created by the work and grace of the Holy Spirit, let's not fuck around," he took a sip of his coffee. They had to "sin" for you to be here.

His finger-quoting the word sin made me a little desperate, not liking that he was taking it so lightly.

—Take that face off, Gabo, come on, it's nothing out of the ordinary when you like someone. It happened to you with Santi, didn't it? You just said it —I nodded as if it were necessary—. Don't worry, maybe you'll get it with the priest, you can't know.

—Sodomy is condemned in the Bible. Even if he listened to me, I couldn't do anything with him because it would be a sin.

—What doesn't the Bible condemn? —He rolled his eyes—. Calm down, at least try to do something with someone else to get your mind off it.

I opened my mouth to answer him, but he stopped me by waving his hand.

—Let me guess, that's also condemned by the Bible, isn't it?

—At least before marriage.

—You're going to be so unhappy if you go on like this... You don't have to follow everything to the letter, if you're a good person I guess that's enough.

—I'm already unhappy. —I acknowledged with a breath.

—So, start by accepting yourself as you are, that's how things will change.

—You should be a psychologist.

—If it were, I would already be charging you.

Icouldn't help but giggle. I drank what was left of my coffee, which was alreadydisgustingly cold, and turned to the window to watch the tide of people goingback and forth like ants going in and out of the anthill. Across the street,the plaza was even more crowded. Facu changed the subject, but my concentrationwas on one thing: did I want to be happy at the cost of sinning in such a way? 

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