4

...Gabriel...

Being alone with Father Manuel was not good for me, it filled my head with thoughts that, if my parents could see them, they would send me to the priesthood without any stopover. It was bad enough to avoid overthinking Santiago, now I also had to avoid sinful thoughts about the new parish priest. Who told him to be so cute? I sighed a little exasperated, not so much because of Manuel's appearance, but because of what he provoked in me. Besides, he was kind and helpful, he reminded me too much of Santiago. I threw my backpack on top of the bed, sat down in front of the desktop computer and turned it on. I had some work to do, but I preferred to de-stress a bit, to take advantage of the fact that my parents were not there and would not be for a few hours. I opened the browser, but the sound of my cell phone distracted me, I got up again and looked for it in my backpack. Once I had it in my hand, I unblocked it, it was Facundo, a former school mate, Santiago and I used to hang out with him, when he left, Facundo and I had no reason to talk anymore, we didn't get along particularly well. In the message he asked me if he could come to see me, he had a few things to tell me, I thought about it for a few seconds before agreeing to his visit. I waited for him in my room, he lived nearby and I knew he wouldn't be long in coming. A few minutes later, the knocks on the door made me leave my room to open it.

—Gabi, how are you? How long has it been since we last spoke?

—I don't know, Since Santiago left.

I let them pass and took him to the living room, we sat on the couch in front of the TV, we were quiet for a while, only the kitchen clock could be heard. That's why we had moved away, we had nothing to talk about when we were together.

—Do you miss Santi? —I nodded—. They don't let him have his cell phone, do they? It's a shame, I miss him a lot too.

—Facu, why did you come? We never talked about anything.

—I came because I thought you'd be lonely without him, I know you've been stuck together forever. I see you lonely since he left.

I shrugged my shoulders, we fell into a new silence, it was as if he didn't expect me to answer him like that. He settled a couple of times on the couch, he didn't look at me, I guessed he was uncomfortable, maybe he would finally leave.

—Gabi, I... I know how you looked at Santiago —I jumped in my place, he smiled—. I'm not going to tell anyone, don't worry, I'm not like that.

—But what do you say, Facu? I always looked at Santiago as my best friend, there is no other way.

—You like him, or at least you liked him. Gabi, you don't look at anyone in the same way you look at him, you can't put me in the story.

I stared at him dumbfounded, had I been noticed that much? I felt my face burning with embarrassment. If he had noticed, anyone could have noticed, I hadn't been able to hide myself as I should have. Had my parents noticed too? Maybe not, otherwise they would have sent me to boarding school or something.

—Hey, don't worry, I told you that you don't have to worry about me. I'm not going to say anything.

—What are you going to ask of me? I won't do anything in exchange for your silence.

He flashed me a little smile that I didn't know how to interpret.

—Nothing, Gabi, you know I'm not like that.

—I don't know how you are, we never talk much without Santi.

—Don't worry. Besides, I think you're just as fucked up as I am. —He smiled again—. I've liked Maria since I was a kid, but you know what happens.

—Are you sure you're not going to ask me for anything in return?

—Are you going to keep insisting? I already told you I don't want anything. —He laughed—. We're both very lonely since Santi left, maybe we could get together, if you feel like it.

I stood silently looking at him, I didn't know what to say to him. I could keep him close and try to control who he talks to and what he talks about, I didn't want him to say something to someone and have my life end completely. Facundo smiled again, he stood up and greeted me, I got up to walk him to the door, but he refused to let me do it saying it was not necessary. I was alone again, I was no longer interested in relaxing in front of the computer, now I could not get out of my mind that Facundo, a boy I hardly talked to if it was not for Santiago, had discovered me. Noah meowed at me from the hallway, he was walking lazily to the couch looking for me to pamper him. I stroked his head as he climbed into my lap. He meowed at me again almost as if to calm me down, as if to say I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn't help but panic, my secret could be spread all over the neighborhood, they wouldn't stop screwing me until I was out of this little town. What if I got beat up too? I wasn't prepared for beatings, I don't think anyone in this self-righteous neighborhood was. Noah meowed at me again, his yellow eyes were fixed on me, he was sitting perfectly balanced on my legs and he was watching me with that look that only he had, he seemed to understand everything.

—I wish you could talk, Noah. —His ears focused on me at the sound of his name—. I'm sure you'd complain about your name, at least when I told you where it came from.

I smiled at him as if he could return the gesture. I picked him up and took him to my room, sat down in front of the computer and laid him on my lap, it didn't take him long to settle in, close his little eyes and start purring. I petted him absentmindedly while I was browsing the internet, but there was nothing very interesting. I decided to put him down and get up to get something for lunch, I didn't feel like cooking. Luckily, there were a few slices of pizza left over. I took them out, put them in the microwave and waited standing against the counter. I looked around the kitchen lit only by the sun streaming through the window. The light gave back an orange reflection as it hit the ceramic floor. The buzzer of the microwave buzzed letting me know that my food was already hot, I took the plate out and went back to my room, Noah was lying crescent shaped on my pillow. I sat down again in front of the computer, left the plate on the desk and set out to finish what I had pending from the university, although my concentration was on Facundo and his ability to keep secrets, if he said anything, he would ruin my life completely. I was sure my parents would kick me out and I would have to put up with everyone's stares, judging me for being the neighborhood weirdo. I looked at my cell phone with the anxious urge to tell Facundo that it was a joke, that I wasn't gay, that there was no real secret, but my own face had sold me out at the time. How had I been so reckless? I ran my hand over my face trying to calm down a little, at least I didn't know about the new priest and what I thought about him. In fact, I had long since stopped seeing Facundo at missionary meetings or at church. His parents always showed up, so I thought he had left without saying goodbye to anyone.

Suddenly I heard noises in the house, I turned to the window and found darkness. It was one of my parents making noise. I stretched before getting up and going to the kitchen, my mom greeted me with a smile, left a couple of clear bags on the table and grabbed her keys.

—Your father is coming in a little while, he's finishing a job. I have another shift now.

—Are you working at night again?

—Yes, you know how it is, son.

—Aren't you coming with us to mass?

—No, Gabi, I won't be able to today. But pray a lot in my place.

I looked at the clock hanging on the wall, it was half past six, Dad was going to arrive soon and he would want to take a bath before going to mass, he couldn't show up full of oil and grease. I put the food in the refrigerator and sat down at the table to wait for my mother. I thought, suddenly, that Father Manuel would be there today, probably sitting somewhere in the church listening to Basilio officiate at mass. I imagined that I was sitting next to him, that we were talking again, that we were becoming friends, that I could tell him the truth. But most likely he would treat me almost like a heretic. I ran my hand over my face with the intention of pushing away those stupid ideas, it was obvious that I could never do the latter, I was sure that he repudiated people like me, he surely hated us. I heard the bathroom door open and footsteps heading towards the master bedroom. I got up and walked down the hallway to the bedroom, she was packing her bag again. I greeted her by telling her I would get in the shower, kissed her on the cheek and wished her luck before leaving the room heading for the bathroom. I showered as fast as I could, by the time I got out, my mom was gone again. I went into my room and changed carefully choosing my clothes as if anything I had imagined was going to come true. At least I hoped I looked attractive. I tapped my forehead at the minute; what the fuck was I thinking? Of course he wouldn't look at me, at least not the way I'd like him to. After all, Facu was right, I was fucked, I fell in love with the two most unattainable people that could exist in this neighborhood. I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror, I fixed my hair to the side and sighed again. I was ready, I just had to wait for my dad to come out. I had had a strange day, first with the meeting with Manuel; then with the conversation with Facundo, which I never thought I would have before today. At least at mass I could not think about anything with the new Father, my mind would not allow it, I would feel dirty if I did. 

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