Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Drowning in the Familiar

Erin stood in front of her apartment door, her hand hovering over the doorknob. The sound of her heartbeat seemed impossibly loud in the quiet hallway, thudding against her chest as though it were trying to break free. She’d come this far, hadn’t she? She had started to untangle herself from the webs of Lucas’s words, of his promises, of his need. But now—now she was here, on the verge of going back, of walking back into that hole she thought she had escaped.

She had promised herself this would be different. She had told herself that she was stronger than this, that she didn’t need him to survive. But in that moment, standing before her door, she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe she did. Maybe Lucas’s love, flawed and suffocating as it was, was the only thing that had ever truly made her feel wanted.

The phone call, the pleading in his voice, had cracked something in her—something fragile and raw. She had heard it, that desperate need, the vulnerability that made her feel like she was the only one who could save him. But at what cost? How many times had she given herself to him, only to end up empty, to end up losing herself in his desire to be loved?

She closed her eyes and let out a slow, shaky breath. Her hand fell from the doorknob, and for a moment, she just stood there, torn between the woman she was trying to become and the woman Lucas needed her to be.

But then the door opened, and she found herself stepping inside.

Lucas was waiting for her when she arrived, sitting on the couch in the dimly lit living room. He looked tired—like he hadn’t slept properly in days. His eyes, dark and heavy with exhaustion, flickered with something that Erin had once mistaken for love. But now, she wasn’t so sure.

“Erin,” he whispered, standing up the moment she entered. His voice was filled with relief, but it also had that familiar undertone of possessiveness, the need that had always made her feel both loved and trapped.

“You came back.”

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Erin admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt the weight of the room pressing in on her, his presence too large, too overwhelming.

Lucas stepped closer, his eyes softening, as if he could sense the hesitation in her. “You don’t have to be afraid. I’ve been thinking about everything, Erin. About what I did, about how I treated you. I know I hurt you, but I’m sorry. I swear I’ve changed. I’ll do anything to make things right.”

Erin swallowed hard, the familiar guilt stirring in her chest. The guilt that told her if she didn’t take care of him, if she didn’t forgive him, she was somehow failing him. But at what cost to herself?

“You don’t have to apologize anymore, Lucas,” she said quietly, her voice shaking. “I know you’re sorry. But I’ve been so lost in your needs, your promises, that I forgot who I am. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Erin,” Lucas interrupted, his voice low and pleading. “You are who you are when you’re with me. I need you. I’ve always needed you. Don’t you see that? You were the one who kept me grounded. You were the one who gave me everything, and I can’t lose that. I can’t lose you.”

His words hung in the air like a weight pressing down on her chest. She had heard this before. She had been the one to keep him grounded. She had been the one to save him from himself. But what about her? What about her own needs, her own dreams?

“I can’t keep giving you everything, Lucas,” Erin said, her voice cracking. She took a shaky breath, fighting to keep the tears at bay. “I’ve given so much of myself to you, and now… I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself in trying to fix you.”

Lucas’s face softened, and his hands reached out, cupping her face gently. “You haven’t lost yourself, Erin. You’re still here. You’re still the same woman I fell in love with. You just need to remember that you’re the only person who can make me whole again. I don’t know who I am without you. Don’t leave me again.”

The words hit her like a tidal wave. Don’t leave me again. She had always feared this. She had always feared that if she let go, if she walked away, she would be abandoning him—that he would be lost without her. And yet, in this moment, she realized that by staying, by continuing to put his needs first, she was losing herself.

But the pull was strong. His touch, his plea, his desperation—they all felt like a drug she couldn’t quit. She could feel herself falling back into the trap. She could feel herself slipping.

“I’m sorry,” Erin whispered, the tears finally escaping her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Lucas’s hands tightened around her, pulling her into an embrace. “It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. I’ll fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.”

But Erin knew deep down that nothing would ever change. She had heard it all before—the promises, the apologies, the reassurances. And every time, she had believed him, had fallen for the same patterns. She had trusted him when he said he needed her. But she was beginning to realize that what she needed was something entirely different. Something that wasn’t rooted in guilt and dependency.

But as Lucas held her tightly, his words echoing in her ear, Erin knew that the battle was far from over. She had been pulled back into his world, into the familiar cycle that she thought she had escaped.

And deep down, she couldn’t help but wonder if this time, the price of her escape would be higher than ever before.

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