prologue: love is a stupid word

I can't help but stare up at the ceiling whenever I wake up. It’s like the little piece inside of me that still cares is whispering hope into what's left of my brain. My tired, rotting, brain. The only thing that jerks me awake is my second alarm. I sit up with my palms and my vision blackens with fuzzy clouds as a jolting pain attempts my sanity. I throw a course whisper at the world and lay back down. I swing my feet off the bed to sweep the floor for my slippers and slide them on. Carrying my weight slowly, I stand and head for the bathroom. The mirror is rusted at the edges and frowns back at me as I touch my knotted hair. Not only do I have a test today, no, I have to deal with my aunt because she finally doesn’t have work today. “Yay” I can see it now, the awkward conversations and selfish remarks. That bitch. After everything she’s done for me you’d think I’d be grateful, but what about what she didn’t do? I twist the blue knob and stick my toothbrush under the slow pressure, it might as well be dripping.

I actually feel like skipping today, I might drop in to say hi to Alex, but I’m not dealing with my teachers today. Nope. I’m gonna go to work and make some money. I have been saving a while for a car. I’m pretty damn close too. I’ve taken every lawn mowing job, babysitting setup, dog walking hell, and other painstaking job opportunities. For a car. I wanna put some gas in it and leave. Leave whatever is making me feel so hopeless all the time.

Clover is on the couch when I walk into the living room. “Good morning.” she says, not looking up from her files, or whatever the hell she’s holding. “What?” I look at her with the same tone as my voice, sarcastic. My aunt puts her file on her lap and reaches for her coffee to take a sip then glances at me then back at her papers, “Oh, I forgot you don’t like me, carry on.”

“I don’t get your problem. Do you even have a problem or are you like- a sociopath?” I retort, I should have just walked out the door. “Excuse me? Kid, I know I’m not around like- ever, but what the hell is so personal about that?”

“I have not seen you for any of my birthdays, even when Mom was alive and-”

“Lizzy isn’t dead.” she cuts me off and all of a sudden I’m holding back a tear. I cross my arms and scoff to shrug off my own weaknesses, and god, how many of those that I have. “Liz, isn’t dead, Elizabeth.” Clover shifts her arms in discomfort. “She’s dead to me. She’s my mom and I loved her, but she’s dead.” I say, my hands become itchy. “Dead to you? She’s alive, she is in a coma. You’re such a pessimist that you don’t understand that she could still have a chance at life.” She says aggressively, looking at me with anger. Actual anger. The words hit me in my stomach. Hard. “Wow, is this you trying to change the subject? See, I’m talking about the fact that you never hung out with either of us. At all. And it still seems you loved her more than I did.”

“Did? You don’t love her anymore. So yeah, I guess I care more than you do about your mom.” When she threatens me everything tenses and I realize my words came out wrong, I do love her. So much. “I do, I do care about her. But, Clover,” I loosen my voice to push away the pain leaking into my eyes, “Clover, you don’t know what she did for me that you can never provide.” Her eyes soften into plead as I walk out the door. I can’t stand her. This shitty apartment, her stupid arguments, all the sleepless nights. Oh and Emmette. Emmette.

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***