Nothing left to lose...

We head over to the pharmacy, just down the slope of the hill.. The pharmacy looked barely like a pharmacy, it looked more like a brothel than anything, pictures of women in suggestive positions in their advertisement posters with the word 'Pharmacy' all over the walls, it didn't help that a bunch of women; and men come out with a hickey in one place or another, to be honest; I was already doubting if I should go with him or not. I don't want to make my aunt even more upset with me than she would be if I get back home, furthermore; I was already an unwanted child throughout my life, that.. Doesn't...deserve... To live... before and after. The least I could do for her and her family is to behave, right?

"Gunz.. Is this really a pharmacy?" He smirked with a knowing look and gently floated towards me, his face inching closer to mine "What do you think this is, shortcake~?" He teased, his voice was playfully sultry, so I told him bluntly "This looks like a whorehouse.." "Watch your fucking tone, shortcake, only you can see me." with a sassy tone, I place my hands on my hips and looked him in the eye "Oh fuck off. Please?"

He chuckled "See ya, don't even try to run." and with a sly smile went inside the pharmacy.. Brothel thing, I waited for as long as I could.. Alone with my thoughts; I see a bunch of people, happy people.. And so out of sheer boredom, I observe them from afar..most of them are happy families, some children running to their dad's for protection, some mothers playing with her children.. And a some of them went on a family meal to celebrate their child's birthday, celebrating the day their child was born and how grateful they are for their child to be alive.

The warmth that I didn't experience.. Every time it was my birthday, it's a constant reminder that.. I wasn't born out of love; I'm a constant reminder to them, that me and my brother is all that she left in this world before my brother stabbed her. I'm a reminder, of all the horrible things that happened years ago.. I don't celebrate my birthday, that was fine with them.

I guess.. That's why I decided to go with Gunz... But it's not them I should worry about, it's my Auntie Esther..

She was the only one who did the bare minimum to at least care about me.. She bandaged me, tell me that.. It wasn't my fault.. I feel bad.. I'm such a terrible niece..

As the family goes out of the restaurant, all I could do. With my heart; is wish them the best. And have a better life than I did, have their father protect them, have their mother love them, and bathe them, dress them, and feed them.. Anything but hurt them.. I wish them the best, to all the children that they never experienced the pain my brother and I suffered.. The shame we carry with our scars. I sighed; I wonder what's taking him so long? He's a ghost, he can easily get the pills undetected and get the fuck outta there. To be honest, my ghost equipment is now rendered useless ever since I was able to communicate with and speak to him.. I think that's rather convenient because the radio soundwave in the spirit box was kinda hard to decipher sometimes, and most of the time I had accidentally misheard what the ghost says.

With my guard up, I stayed and waited; it gave me some time to think about my stupid decision to join a revenge-starved Gunz, but then again.. If he can move and grab objects and posses people, he won't be able to face any repercussions if he lays a finger on me, since he's kinda dead, and I'm too low on my own self-esteem so, I don't think I care much; the only thing I worry about is how I'm going to explain what happened at the arcade, I don't want to upset my already mentally distressed Auntie Esther, I feel bad and... And I'm only making things worse.. Like always..

I hate myself...I'm such a bitch...a slut... A—

"Oi." Suddenly, his voice pulled me out of it and for a moment

I have forgotten some of my troubles

And I looked up to see a stash of it, stolen asthma pills.. "Thanks. But, what took you so long?" he snickered "I had to see it!" "See what??" I asked him, and he snickered even more "You were right, it is a whorehouse.. But not in the way you expect" when he said that, all It felt.. It was disgusting and unprofessional, they're supposed to be doctors in a pharmacy! Why do that shit at work?! At the same time.. I felt so triggered.. I.. Why is that simple sentence.. Give me flashes and memories of them?? Why am I so uncomfortable with him talking about how he witnessed two people having sex? Why is it so suffocating? Teenagers are supposed to like joking about sex; at least, that's what an adult told me, even Bianca talks about her "experiences" with her boyfriend, yet.. It.. Makes me so grossed out.. I'm sorry, I'm so selfish.. Goddammit..

"Err.." Suddenly, I was pulled out of my state of mind again.. I didn't realize I was.. What kind of face did I make to.. To.. Make him stare at me like.. I nearly died or something? "Shortcake? Are you okay? Caaaaauuse, you were.. Hyperventilating.." When he said that.. All I could do was bow my head in disbelief and shame.. "I'm sorry.. It's just.. I.. Err." to be frank, I have no excuse.. Nor reason because... I don't want to tell him..

But he sighed and patted my head "dude, stop that, like.. Stop it, you look like a fucking moron right now.." He chuckled "And, you like you was tied to a missile and thrown to Jupiter and all the way back on earth and to the Asylum, and then the doctors couldn't heal your head, so they had to use a truck and run you over just to fix your brain, that's how frazzled you are." I gasped, my jaw all the way on the floor, and so I clocked back "Well, how many years did that take you to make that one up? Because it was clearly still stuck in 2019." and he rolled his eyes, he smirked and said

"You look like a pretzel!!!"

I snapped back "You look like a bloody horse!!!"

He gasps and spits out "You look like a damn dog! Woof, woof!!!"

"Oh yeah?! You look so bad! I know your mom didn't do your hair!"

"You look like a boy trying to look like a girl!!!!"

He scoffed and added "I bet your mother didn't love you!!!"

With that, I was done with this conversation, to be honest, he was right, my mother never loved me, but I did not want him to know that "Oh fuck you." he looked at me with... Conflicting emotions, one I cannot describe, but he used his pride to hide it, and he snapped back "Fuck me yourself, bitch." And then, silence... And my face was visible with confusion and his face was red with embarrassment as he stammered through his words before finding the right thing to say.." What—?" I tilted my head in visible confusion and I genuinely hope he didn't mean that "I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!!" guess not. I crossed my arms and huffed "Gee, I hope not!!" so the air is filled with this thick heavy silence as we walked towards my house, my house was pink, in fact, pastel pink and a white roof, it looked like a mini castle, because of it. Gunz snickered as a result "What the fuck—it's like a fucking dollhouse!—Oh wait! And your name is Dolly!!" he began to wheeze his lungs out, his body rolling around in the air uncontrollably, as he held his stomach. "Oh my fucking god!! It looks like a house from Disneyland!! Did you fucking work there as a janitor?!" he continues to wheeze "Stop laughing at my house!!!!" "Oh my god!! It's a huge barbie house!!" he wheezed like a burning kettle, a sound that triggered my ears "At least it's not a haunted house like yours!!" "It's gonna be when I'm inside!" and then he added "Oh no!! My barbie house is haunted!! Evil barbie is here!!" he continues to mock the house my aunt made herself.. I sighed "stop laughing or else I'd look like a crazy person trying to yell at you!!!"

He snapped back "You already are!!" but then; I heard the sound of the door creaking, I whipped around to see Auntie Esther, sighing.. She looked tired as usual, a frown in her eyes, her eye bags are now darker.. Her pale face is flushed, but she doesn't look angry nor flustered.. Her face just says.. Disappointed. The same sad face when I first met her, holding back her tears; I felt more ashamed than ever before, don't look at me like that, anything but that.. But.. I guessed I deserved it.

She said nothing to me and I went inside, she never spoke to me about the arcade incident.. But I assume she's like this because of that. The air was thick with this uncomfortable silence in the living room, as I sat on the couch. I was alone with Gunz, who is exploring the pink exterior of this place, while Aunt Esther was in her room, to change the mood, Gunz tapped my shoulder, I turned up to see him floating and making funny faces, and I cracked a smile giggled a bit "That's so ugly!" I whispered. And he said "Well, at least I know it's working, shortcake.." So I stood up and said "Well, want to have a tour?" "To your barbie house? Sure!" I scoffed "My house is not a barbie house!" he chuckled, and I sighed and lead the way..

So I lead him to the kitchen, the place was pink, the kitchen sets, the knifes, cooking tools, and more.. He began to giggle "This looks like those toy kitchen sets!" he began to laugh so hard and roll around in the air "It's. Not. A. Doll set!!"

He continues to laugh his lungs out as I grumbled and groaned; then, I showed him the dining room.. It had a cute and pink heart-shaped table at the center, with pink heart-shaped chairs around it, on the table. There was a white teapot with pink hearts and polka dots on it, and cute little fragile tea cups.. He giggled "Are you sure these are not toys??" "Oh! Shut up!!!" he continues laugh anyway...

I couldn't take it anymore, and I yelled at him "Hey! This tour would be over if you don't stop laughing at my aunts stuff!!!" So I sat down on the chair and crossed my arms together. "Aww..don't be like that! You look like a puffer fish" he laughed. But I looked away from his gaze, and he realized that I was being serious "Don't be like that, I was only teasing.." I huffed and looked from his gaze "Oh Boo!" he chuckled at my retort in return "Fuck... Fine, I'll try not to laugh at your aunt's stuff.." I raised my brow, I still felt unsure about this douche, but.. Ugh, he's a ghost, if he makes a mess, then I'm dead. "I'll show you the backyard." he smirked and followed my lead again...I opened the door to the backyard.

The place had this heavy fragrance of roses, it's surrounding the air in fact so when people go here, the scent of roses peacefully force its way into your nostrils.. In the backyard, it was filled with bushes, and in those bushes are white roses, I never went here often, nor do I step on the grass, because my aunt told me that, white roses was my mother's favorite.. She'd told me that mother would often be gifted white roses by her boyfriend before dad kidnapped her, and that white roses is a reminder of her... The reason why I did not go here, is because Auntie Esther said I would stain it.

Gunz noticed that I didn't step foot out of the house.. "This place is so pretty." He tried to lure me out, but I wouldn't budge.." Oh well, suit yourself." "Fine, just don't.. Err.. Touch it." he tilted his head to the left, his face is filled with visible confusion.. But he noticed something in the pile of crystal white roses that stood out, a deep red one.. In corner to the left it was near me, unseen, and buried in the white roses.." Only one red rose?" He teased and added "Did your dollhouse-loving aunt accidentally planted this after she got the seeds mixed up?" I looked to my left and saw the red rose, unlike the white roses, the red one had many big and sharp thorns.. If I touch it, I might bleed trying, the stem and the leafs are in a shade of dark green, it's strange because it didn't look like it was about to wither anytime soon, why would Auntie grow one red rose in a place where white roses is my mother's favorite?

I don't know.. But I think she couldn't have noticed it, it was buried under the white ones, I quickly lead Gunz to see my room, suddenly; I heard something as I got past my aunt's room, the door was slightly ajar, so I could hear what she said clearly. "Don't you have any idea how hard it was for me to raise that rapist's child?!" she snapped at whomever she spoke to, Gunz heard it clearly as well, shock and worry etched on to his face as he looked at me, he took a peek inside her room, while I listened outside.. Frozen in place, my body turned limp and cold.

God.. Please tell me this day.. Is just.. A nightmare...

Gunz witnessed her talking to someone on the phone, her face filled with disgust disdain, and she cried.. She continued to weep "I don't know why... Why does.. He.. Why did.. He..." she smashed the vase in a rage, as her tears dropped on her face like a waterfall "Why on earth should I tell her that her brother is dead years ago in a burned Asylum?!?! You do it!!" Gunz stood there in shock.. Trying to process this information.. And I stood outside at her room.. Why didn't she tell me?! What did she mean?! "No.. Fred."

I dropped to my knees.. And wept silently, covering my mouth as I hold the urge to scream my lungs out, my brother.. The only person... Who cared about me.. He was the reason.. I... I.. He protected me.. He raised me.. Not only that, but he cared.. He loved me.. He made living in that house years ago.. At least bearable.. After dad would hit me, and place his fingers inside my mouth, Fred would make sure to comfort me, going as far as to hide me, when he said he saw fairies and I couldn't see them, he told me that.. I shouldn't worry, because.. They're protecting me already..

Whenever Mom was screaming at me, he would throw stuff at her to distract her.. And then... Then..

Why...

Why... Why Why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why whyWhy why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why Why why why why why why why

Why didn't

She..

Tell

Me?

Is it my fault she felt this way? I continue to weep.. My mind blank as sheet, I couldn't think.. I... Couldn't... I couldn't...

Gunz stood there and listened to what she said, his patience is... Wearing thin. Esther yelled "I don't why you allow me to take this responsibility! She's a mistake her brother is a mistake!! A mistake that took Lily's life!! A mistake that Lily didn't want!! She was 13 when we lost her!!" she continues to cry on the phone while the person on the phone told Esther. " Listen, I hate that motherfucker who took Lillian away.. But you can't blame her kids about something that is beyond their understanding and control Esther! They're hurt too!!!" Esther growled, at this point Gunz already picked up the vase without her knowledge and was already inching close to her, though he struggled a bit, because unlike the living, ghosts can't hold stuff for very long, because ghosts are kinda.. Like air or something, they get past through you, and can only hold things properly when they possess someone, and it takes a lot of energy to hold it for long without the object going through his hands and falling, but he can manipulate nature subtly, nature is easy for ghosts to grab and destroy..

He can't hit people in his ghost form, which is why when people gets scratched by a spirit, they usually don't feel the pain at first, the person sometimes wouldn't even know they were scratched by one until they see the scar.

" One more word bitch, one more word about Dolly, and I swear, I'm fucking ending you!" his hands are shaking as he struggled to hold it as long as he could, holding it above her head, But she continued to rant to a relative, a relative that is trying to tell her about the Asylum years ago.. That went on fire.. "That bundle of shame should've killed herself!! She should be lucky I kept helping her out of her suicide episodes!! I'm a saint compared to her! She's nothing but a rapist's child—" before she could say more, Gunz already bashed the vase in her head so hard, that she passed out. Not dead. Just passed out cold.. And he tied her up to her chair and left her

Later I found myself in my couch..out of my mind.. With Gunz sitting at the other chair, silence loomed over us for a moment before he asked.. "Are.. A-Are you okay? Are you good?" A felt so ashamed I couldn't speak.. A lump forming inside my throat, when I try to speak.. I feel like I'm choking.. He didn't look at me.. The same way they did.. He wasn't disappointed, nor did he laugh.. He looked worried.

I looked away in shame.. I couldn't look at him.. My family history is not something I want anyone to know about; not ever, but I knew eventually that it would reveal itself, but.. Why now? And worst of all.. My brother is dead, and nobody told me.. He was.. Dead in the Asylum.. Is that why she refused to let me visit him? Because... She hated us that much? I felt more suffocated than ever, drowning in my sorrows.. He's dead... He's... Really dead... And... I did not know that he died years ago... And I can't believe I waited so patiently..

Suddenly, I felt Gunz drag me away to the backyard, I was too spaced out to care, nor did I feel any strength to yell at him, or hit him, suddenly he stepped on the white roses, and I snapped back to reality "Gunz! What on earth—" he cuts me off by jumping on the roses, ruining its crystal white complexion completely brown and destroyed, he gently grabbed my hands and pulled me towards the flowers, and I tried to pull away "What on earth are you doing!?" He chuckled "We have nothing left to lose! You have nothing left to lose! Come on! Let's trash her stupid flowers and kill the clown already!!" I was even more so confused "Are you nuts?! She'll hate me even more!" But then he said the hardest truths I have to face "She never even liked you, we both heard that shit!" and he added "She never wanted to raise you, and she didn't tell you your brother died years ago out of spite, now stop trying to get her approval, it'll shatter you more than you've already been!!" For moment.. I thought about it, you know what?

Fuck it.. I always hated my parents for hurting us, now I hate my aunt.. So I began to jump on the flowers, and he followed in pursuit, kicking and plucking it all out; and ruining its image, this backyard, it's a reminder of my mother.. Who raped my big brother.. Raped me.. Sure, she's a victim too, but when she raped my brother, it made her no different from dad. When she screamed at us and hit us, she turned into a monster by choice.. When I hit the flowers with my feet, it felt so... Releasing.. Ruining what mother loved so much, after she took so much from my brother.. His childhood, innocence and sanity.

I still feel ashamed about it, no doubt.. But I guess this is baby steps.. Baby steps to the right direction, and maybe.. Gunz is right, we both have nothing to lose now, my brother is dead, and my relatives hate me, so; I'm an orphan now..

After completely destroying the backyard I went to room, and packed my stuff "Goddamn, I'd prefer if your room looks like a dolls room, because this looks like a storage room." I chuckled "Oh really?" then I thought.. "What happened to—" then, he shushed my putting one bloody finger on my lips and I yelped out "Ew!!!!"

He continued to laugh.. His laughter died down quickly as.. He asked "Hey.. What's this.. About your dad being a rapist?" I felt my body turned cold and my sensitive areas sore.. I could feel my heart beat going too fast, I couldn't.. I couldn't breathe.. I... I... I..

Noticing my discomfort, he got nervous and decided not to push further "Ah! Sorry shortcake.. I-I..I.." He stammered before clearing his throat "I didn't mean it.. If you're not ready to talk about this.. Then..don't." but then he panicked as he thought that he was being insensitive "B-But! I'm not silencing you!! Oh, hell no!! W-What I mean is.. That you can tell me, when you're.. Uhh.. Comfortable enough around.. Me? A-And ready!! Yeah.. Ready.." I calmed down, my heart was still pounding heavily.. But, I was glad he considered my feelings.. So I didn't know how to respond to something like this.. Its weird coming from a former bully.. I just chuckled.. Sorry Gunz..

" Pfft, you're so adorable!" "What?" "What?" then, silence formed heavily in the air.. Until that died out as we laughed together "What—What was that about?!" Gunz wheezed "You tell me, you brat!" he said playfully, and I laughed even more "Oh, fuck you.." despite all the heavy things just revealed to us, Gunz made me face it head on by destroying some flowers, he's cool like that, practicing how to hold stuff and possess people for five years just to get revenge on the clown who killed him and his family, and he's like, super ready to fight the son of a bitch, And.. I want to help him too, maybe someday, When I'm just as strong as he is.. I'll be able to face my problems head on.

I really have nothing left to lose

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