The tour to the depths of desperation...

APRIL 8, 2016: several days before the end…?

“it doesn't have to be…” a soft voice whispers to me gently, cooing me to wake up…when I stretched my arms and slowly rose, nobody was there. It was strange, because I remembered taking those pills last night? And I'm certain I did..that bitter taste was still in my mouth.

As usual I went to group therapy with all the other kids, all the nurse spoke about was how smoking is good, apparently. She said “kids, you guys are too soft, too naive…of course shit would happen to you, and you can't control that…so.. Fucking smoke,” she took a puff of her cigarette and breathed it in before adding, “it's easy just breathe it in and breathe it out, fucking simple, if life doesn't wanna give you a happy ending, just fucking smoke. It feels good, less complicated and shit..’’ the nurse was obviously high, she slouched on her seat and her legs were unprofessionally apart. Her voice sounded very horse and groggy, and her eyes were wet and red, her hands kept swaying in circles, left or right, down and up as she spoke.

 I heard she was twenty but she looked much older, her face is saggy and loose, she continued her rant by adding “kids, if life….doesn't give you smoke..then…don't wait for that happily ever after, just fucking take it, nothing matters, it's yours.” she shrugged and passed out a second later, this is what group therapy is like in here most of the time. But to me it makes sense (in a way) , especially in my situation.. But in a few seconds

I saw the memories of yesterday flash before my eyes.. The huge gas tank at the basement, the rope, the ceramic blocking the holes of the vents. Ceramic doesn't burn… Right? After lunch, I snuck past the nurses who were smoking and placing more cigarettes inside the vents. I went back to the chute outside near the incinerator, the rope is still there, sticking out of the chute, good.. But this is too reckless, if I do it now, the likely chance of getting caught is a hundred percent

So.. All I need to do is find a lighter, so I soon resume back inside to find said lighter.. I went to find one in the cabins of the library but it's not there, in between the books in the bookshelves, and nothing.. Until I remembered that the nurses probably have one, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? Should I say ‘Hey, I wanna burn this whole place because I wanna be with my darling, can you give me the lighter please?’ fuck no! I'll be sent to solitary again! 

I want my happily ever after. I deserve it too, don't I? I suffered from those who were supposed to be my “parents” . My beloved sister and aunt didn't visit me, almost never. Now Henrietta’s gonna leave, it's the world against me, so if life isn't gonna give me my happily ever after… I'll just fucking take it..I'll make my own to what I see fit for me and my kitty. 

She'll thank me later.. She has to

I went up to the rooftop only to see… Henrietta, she whipped around to look at me, her blue hair perfectly capturing the beauty of the sky, the clouds behind her resembled angel wings (what a goddess~!) she softly spoke “Fred! I've been looking for you.. People say that you come here often.. So-” I cut her mid sentence, let's just say she had me at [I've been looking for you]

 and I said “Well, what did you need?? Speak up idiot.” Henrietta sighed before saying “I'm sorry.. I didn't know that I was going to leave.. But, I promise. I promise you that I'll send letters everyday! The Orphanage isn't far from here and—” I cut her off again by placing my palm on her mouth “You don't need to worry about that.. Because you won't be..” I said to her, I made sure to smile, and I let her go downstairs 

She looked genuinely confused as I told her to go back downstairs.. She complied as usual.. Not even questioning why, I turned back and saw one nurse smoking down beneath me.. They have the lighter.. They placed the lighter beside them, as I tumbled backwards I felt something that hit my ankle it was a.. Heavy dumbbell?? What's this doing here?? but I did not question it. It's heavy enough for me to carry but heavy enough to… Kill someone… I look back down at the nurse, And low and behold. I couldn't waste such an opportunity, So I took it. 

For what felt like a split second, I dropped the heavy dumbbell on her head.. The blood splattered everywhere, spilling all over the floor, I could almost see it draw itself a rose and the dead woman lying down there like a sleeping fairy, I went back downstairs.. And ran straight to the place she died.. By the time I got there, I was huffing and panting, I took a split second to breath, and took the lighter, then, I buried the dumbbell under

The trees, and placed the dirt back, I covered the buried spot with some leaves.. Pretty tacky but I needed to deal with the body first, I burnt the body in the incinerator.. Surprisingly smoke did not come out of the incinerator, I literally had to open it again to see if the body was burning and of course it was.. But maybe it's for the best,

burning flesh might attract unwanted attention.. I grabbed the water bucket filled with water from the lake and splashed it all over the ground, left and right, and in every corner, as soon as the blood disappeared.. I went back inside. As night came, I grabbed my lighter, journal and journeyed into the dusty cigarette-filled vents, I followed the rope and the pink sticky notes and found my way back out.. I pushed myself upwards out of the chute, and then tied the rope to a thick and strong tree

I climbed back down the chute and travelled inside the vents. There, I saw a sleeping nurse, I quietly opened the vent and then I lay it down as gently as I could. Then, I crawled out of there and took an empty bottle of sleeping drugs.. I read the contents of it first. It turns out if someone takes this, they'll be asleep for at least for one hour, that's good enough, I stabbed the sleeping nurse with a needle, and for all I know.. She's dead.. I wore a new patient's robe, and went back to the vents to my Kitty's room. 

There…I saw her, sleeping unconsciously.. Before she could even open those pretty eyes, I injected those sleeping pills.. I placed a bandage over her wound, and then I dragged her all the way to the vents… Surprisingly, maybe the people in here are so stupid or maybe I'm so smart, probably both. But they didn't hear me dragging her, struggling to move along in the vents. People call me a Jinx because of my life story, but my luck says otherwise.. 

After I pushed her out of the chute.. Because I wasted forty minutes. I only have twenty minutes left before she wakes up, I think. I quickly followed the rope back to the basement.. There I shoved and pushed away some trash around me.. Swimming through the trash as I pushed myself further, there, I reached the huge gasoline.. I climbed up the nearby ladder and placed the rope deep inside the slightly open lid of the gasoline, not before tying it down with many things so that it can't rise up once I use the long rope to get out of here.. 

As I travelled through the vents I could hear faint whispers, of the nurses speaking ill of the other nurses.. Dumb and unaware of their impending doom that the ceramic blocking the scent of the smoke will be their downfall.. I managed to push myself off the chute and then, I untied the rope off the tree, and burnt the tip.. Like a TNT the fire slithered its way inside the chute as it burnt the rope..I dragged the unconscious body of my Darling as far away as I could… 

Once we were far enough. I sat Kitty down on the grass.. Then, a loud booming noise emerged from behind me.. It was so loud I thought I was wearing a pair of headphones.. I could see the details of the debris scattering itself and flying in the air as flames emerged from the chaos, crackling from a distance as the flames slowly spread throughout the forest… I heard the sound of rustling behind me, and I knew in the back of my mind it was her.. I didn't know what to do. But then again…. 

She's so gullible 

I wailed and moaned as hard as I could, she asked in fear and confusion “Freddie?! What happened?!” I whipped around to see her, and I pretended to cry and cry and be angry at her. I ran towards her and kicked her in the ankles and cried “You happened!!! You burned everything down!!!” Henrietta looked confused and scared “I.. I.. I didn't do this!” tears slowly dripped down her eyes, she began to stutter again.. And I continued my performance and cried out “You schizophrenic BITCH! You knew I was turning normal and you didn't want me to leave! That's why you burned this place!” Henrietta tilted her head and cried “But, I was the one turning normal” her voice was shaking 

I grabbed her face and forced her to look into my eyes.. And I and I yelled at her from the top of my lungs “That's just one of your stupid hallucinations and delusions!! Stupid fuck!!” I shook her as hard as I could, shaking her shoulders as she continued to plead and beg for forgiveness.. “Please… I.. I… I. Didn't know!!” she squeaked in reply.. I wanted to make her fear me more, but then again.. What's the fun in that? I caressed her soft cheeks and wiped her tears away, as I said with a soothing reply “I know, it's not your fault, you're insane, you weren't in your right mind, so I forgive you…”

She was very bewildered.. “I said, I forgive you.” I replied to her, she cried more “Why?” Kitty sobbed as she couldn't believe me.. So I replied with a smile.. I grabbed her wrist and her waist to pull her closer to me.. And I whispered into her ear.. “Because we're friends, right? So since I did everything a friend could do, I brought your toy back.. And shit, so.. You'll do everything I say from now on, that's all you have to do to make it up to me.. Ok?” Henrietta nodded.. “Good kitty, that's a good girl..” I grabbed her shaking hand and walked away from the  forest to find a bus stop as the forest was engulfed in flames..

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