A penance of despair

APRIL 7, 2016: Seven days before the end…

I couldn't sleep, my darling will be gone after two weeks…it's like this world fucking hates me, all I could think of is her, the nurses doesn't care about their patients so I'm not treated any differently (except maybe, Ridley) My sister and my aunt barely visited me, so kitty is all I have left in this world, I killed people just to keep her and after all that for two fucking years they decided to take her away from me? She's mine! MINE!

I began to pace around in the humid halls of this Asylum, there was no way I could keep her in this situation. There was no way I could convince the nurse to let her stay and I don't know where she lives, therefore I couldn't think of anything, maybe I could ask her where she lives? Oh wait..I already know the answer to that,and that's super far away from where she lives, I heard it from them…the Philippines. That's basically another country away from me! Then, someone tapped me from behind 

So I whipped around behind me, only to see my darling. She mumbled a bit…her eyes as usual averted away from mine and her eyes were about to well up, this is probably about her leaving me and this stupid Asylum but I asked anyway “What’s wrong? You don't look okay” she began to weep and sob uncontrollably and cried out “My doll! it..it..it fell down the chute! and now it's gone!!!’’ I could feel my face drop a bit. I thought she cared about me, after everything I did for her and this is all I get? I don't get it, is what I do not enough for her? I cracked a smile to her hoping my disappointment wasn't evident.“Is that all?” I asked Henrietta, and she nodded as she tried to wipe her tears away from her eyes.

Despite my….disappointment…I decided to be nice, because I'm the only one she has left.

I'm her mind, her consciousness, and her everything. She's not gonna leave me..she won't.

She's mine, I'm hers..So I said “Well, which chute?” she grabbed my hand and led me to the cute near the incinerator outside, now that I think about it. I should've used the incinerator, it's much more convenient considering that it's gonna get rid of anything easily by easily burning it. But I liked what I did and the only thing I could've changed was drawing it out longer than it should, so I guess it's ok. She then pointed at the chute “ I know this one, leads to the basement for all I care” she shivers at the thought “My doll i-is at…at..a..at the..the basement?!” she cried out 

My eyes whipped around to look at her and say “Yes, stupid. The basement.” She sighs in despair as her knees fall to the ground. I rolled my eyes at her and since I'm her only friend I said “I'll get it for you.” She perks up at me “You sure? I-I mean—what if you fall to your death?!” I scoff “Then I'll blame it all. On. You.” Henrietta whimpered so to ease her I added “You're such a fucking crybaby, and you still wonder why people don't wanna be with you? please bitch, you can't even take a joke” so she stopped…she noticed something and picked it up..it was a long thick rope, I tied it around my waist and went down the chute..it was narrow and the only thing that stopped me from sliding was my own bare feet..I dropped down and landed inside 

something familiar..the holes that was used to help the room turn cool was covered in ceramic…”Oh fuck. I'm in the vents” I groaned, why did she play near the open chute? I tried not to breathe in the scent of used cigarettes the doctors hid in here, But that's almost impossible to do because there were countless and it's hard to stop breathing for a long time. So I continued to crawl and accidentally went inside my room..this was a lifetime opportunity..almost too brilliant..I grabbed a bunch of pink sticky notes and closed the vent behind me. And stick them around the metal walls inside the vents as I journey to the basement, all too soon I found the basement. 

But it wasn't a smooth ride, you see. How I got there. I mean, before I got there. I was too busy sticking pink sticky notes on the wall that I managed to not notice another chute down the basement in front of me, I blindly crawled forward and then I slipped down the chute, I tried to stop my fall by using my hands and feet to grab any bumps or slope surfaces I could grab my hands on but in vain, so I accepted that I was going to fall down

I didn't die, but I landed face first into a pile of garbage, papers, used condoms, cigarettes, napkins and an unused credit card? Who on earth would drop a credit card down the chute? It's only dusty and by the looks of it, it's not used. So I kept it..I walked towards a surface, pushing anything away from my path.. Found her doll, so I pulled the rope to signal her that I found it…but I realised that the rope was long. VERY long, so I realised that there was no way the rope could vibrate all the way to the top, if anything. The vibration would only manage to effect it…let's say, all the way to the chute (aka, near the exit)

So I tried to climb the rope, and when I did..I saw an enormous tank, the lid was slightly open But I feel like, if I  went on top of that thing. I would fall down immediately on the slope surface, so I continued to climb all the way back up inside the dusty asthma-hazard vent and retraced my steps back out

When I was at the chute, I finally tugged on the rope and she would immediately pull me up back to the surface..By the time I got out, I was covered in dust and trash, she sighed in relief “I'm glad you're ok.” I gave her doll back, it looked like shit from all the trash down there now I'm seeing things in the light. She stepped forward and hugged me tightly. This only gave me unwanted flashbacks of the man who made me..and suddenly it's like he's here again…pumping and thrusting inside me..the sharp pain that pulsed inside me and being violated over and over and over again..it's like I could hear him moan ‘Lilly’ again..I can't!!! So I pushed her away 

“Don't touch me!!!” I cried out, she looked confused but more of it was taken over by regret and worry “I'm sorry–I didn't mean to hurt you-” “You just did..” I stepped towards her slowly as possible, she's so selfish…she's leaving me behind all she cared about was her stupid doll that I was dumb enough to go and fetch her that…thing

So I said all so calmly “You're so selfish and ungrateful..” I finally let out my frustrations on this adorable creature. I humbly added “You're going to leave in two weeks..TWO WEEKS and leave me behind—don't you care about me?! After all the shit I did for you, this is all I get?!” she looked sad, good. Let her be that way “I-I don't understand–” I cut her off mid sentence “of course you don't understand, you're so retarded that you're forced to be here along with all those freaks, and you still wonder why people don't hang out with you?”

my face was already inches away from hers..she leaned against the tree behind her and hid her face behind that doll of hers. I smacked it away from her hands and grabbed her chin “look at me, you coward…” she began to shiver and quiver as she quietly murmured I'm sorry, over and over again..It excited me in all the best ways possible, it was like stabbing her over and over again, except…this isn't her, it's kitty …My kitty.

and I'm not stabbing her physically but emotionally. I raised my hand at her and she flinched like a beaten dog, so like one. I gently petted her “But I know you, you're so kind. Patiently waiting for me out here, for very long hours…not everyone can do that” I gently cupped her cheek and coo her “Kitty…kitty, look at me” she still averted her eyes away so I chuckle whispered all so gently “Look at me Kitty~” she slowly whipped her eyes to shyly gaze at me. I could feel a chuckle escape my lips and I continue to caress her face “Good girl, good Kitty~’’ 

She slowly warmed up to me “I'm sorry. I truly meant it. I promise to ask if I could hug you next time…please forgive me’’ I chuckled, it almost felt too good to be real, I could hear romantic music play around us, the sky booming with fireworks and the cameraman circling around us, until that was ruined by an ugly sight, a nurse, nurse Belle. “Henrietta! I'm so glad I found you” she sighed in relief and then she looked at me as if I was some ugly creature from another world I could almost hear her murmur to herself and said ‘fucking Jinx…’ she then looked at Henrietta “Guess what? You're gonna be outta here after two weeks!” as soon as I heard her say that…

Are you telling me she didn't know??? She didn't know that she was gonna leave…And the nurse added “Since you're getting better at handling your schizophrenia, we thought you could go home..” Henrietta had this sad expression on her face, the nurse reassured her “don't worry, you're not going with your horribly horrendous family..you'll be moved to an Orphanage the same company who made this children's mental hospital made..” Henrietta perked up “I…won't be going home?” Kitty smiled as the nurse nodded. She looked at me excitedly “Yay! I'm free from them! I'll never see them again” she jumped around the place..the nurse leaves to 

Tend to her work “I was right” Henrietta stopped jumping, and looked at me with a confused expression, so as to make things clear. I added “You really are selfish” Henrietta looked solemn “You don't understand…I don't want to go back to daddy, and so this is a better-’’ “You want to get away from me that's what you mean!’’ I cried out “But it's super near from here so  we can write letters everyday” She cried out, but I snapped back at her “But that's not what I want!!!!” I ran off to the bathroom…I took a bath as I sobbed quietly to myself.. 

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