Another day

As another day begins, I want to share with you all some things about Runjun that I missed mentioning earlier. He was my crush too, and we connected on an emotional level. I remember how he came forward to support me when he found out that I was dealing with family issues. Some of my readers might be thinking, 'battling with family issues, what could it be?' Emotional abuse and being judged within the family is not normal. If you think it's normal and happens to everyone, please note that it's not normal. I urge you not to turn a blind eye to this. Emotional family abuse, being judged, or being beaten is a trauma that not everyone can overcome. If none of these things are happening to you, then consider yourself blessed, as you deserve to be happy.

I often felt bad for myself, and that's how Runjun and I bonded. I wanted to escape from my home, so I started overworking at the office - coming in at 9 am and leaving at 9:30 pm, then giving tuitions and reaching home around 11 pm. I tried to avoid the whole situation, but I felt guilty about it. It's like, for a moment, you're happy that you're not letting anyone torture or abuse you by staying away, but at the end of the day, you're also torturing yourself. At the same time, I was on a guilt trip because while I was skipping out on home my mother and siblings were left to handle everything. That's why I urge all of my readers not to be abusive. Your actions in front of your kids can influence how they behave within their own families.

In that moment when you feel like someone is listening to you and emotionally available for you, that feeling is so good. I mean, after being beaten up by my dad at night, feeling the pain all night, and then someone comes along the next day to calm you down not letting you, listen to you, and console you, not letting you feel that pain alone. Of course, he can't feel the pain I'm going through, but that helping hand, that assurance that "I'm here for you," is one of the most blessed feelings. I thought I loved him, and to tell you the truth, I know he will propose to me. That instinct is always there, but I just want to escape that part. I don't want to drag him into all of this family drama. So, when he asked, I said no. I can't. I don't trust in marriages, as I really don't.

I have seen my mother beaten up. I have seen myself as a daughter beaten up, and whoever is coming to protect me gets beaten too. I'm okay with the friend zone part, I'm even okay with the crush part, but I'm not okay with being beaten up and finding a way to run away from family issues my whole life.

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