Were you there too?

Yesterday, I'm tired. But I never left home.

Today, I'm exhausted from school.

I was delusional—thinking 'bout me standing in front of everyone, speaking out every single thought I'm holding in. And I told them:

... "I'm scared of changes. For when I entered senior high school and even when my sister left home. ...

...I was there— it's happening so fast. People are aggressively stepping forward. I've got no choice but to go with them, instead of getting dragged forward if I tried to stop....

...I was there— as the waves are flowing so fast. Everyone is swimming with these waves, with these changes. But I could never. I'm facing the clouds and the waves could not touch my face; I am floating. And if you'd ask me why can't I swim? Well, I've tried and sunk for I've got no purpose to. "...

Questions left empty in my mind:

How???

How does everything that happens right now matter, if at the end it'll change anyway?

How should I feel contentment if the next second it's not in front of me anymore?

How exactly?

Maybe I just miss how easy things have been right before it changed.

I miss my friends. Those warm memories locked up in my head. Laughter and joyful thoughts brought me no hope but pain—knowing that time had passed, and moments had become memories.

I miss my sister. I hope I could ask her why? Tho everything is so easy to predict. As nights to nights, shouting from her and father had been louder and louder. But still why? She could hate every one in here, but I'm still here, can't she see? I found these notes I made on my phone saying:

My eyes were tearing up ,

hiding it on camera,

never letting you see.

I weep after you turn off the call,

why is that you have to go so far away?

Even going out with friends couldn't heal me anymore.

Pushing my cheeks up just to show

The smile that's not full anymore.

The fire's burning

Burning in front of us

We even collected the woods

But it stayed where it was putted

The cold water

Sweating in the bottle

A misfortune

A discomfort in my lungs

And my kidney stops to function

I did it again.

I would like to die

Freeze

Deep

Deep in the oceans in Antarctica

You can wake me up

When it's the end of the world.

Putting them all together makes it worse. To my dear readers, I've come to tell you that anything might really be worth the pain. Those notes were written when I was on my lowest. I've had to comprehend that my voyage was not just about sadness. But my book only states sorrows. Why is that? I'm still young, so are you. So next time, I hope the both of us will write down happy thoughts too, shall we?

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