A Day To Mourn My Grace

...“She is my day, she is my night. She is the sun, she is the moon. Without her, the skies turn gray. Without her, what would be right? And, because, we are One. Without her, My life might turn empty, soon. For My Precious Cinnamon Roll, Grace...”...

...- Tsukito...

I, today, lost the love of my life… My precious, Grace… “What would I do without her?” Thoughts like these ran through my mind as my grief and lamentation consumed me and rejoiced in completely concealing my soul like a parasite.

My one and only close friend, Wataru, comforted me like nobody could have ever done, initially. However, he ended up leaving me alone to cope with my musings, emotions and grief by myself. My gaze slowly moved towards my living room window, gazing outside. The weather outside— rainy, dark and gloomy; just like my day and my mood, without My precious, Grace's loving presence.

I read Grace's most recent letters as I completely indulged and immersed myself in grief over my one and only precious sweetheart… My grace, cherishing all our teeny tiny lovely and adorable memories of our time that we had spent with each other— for about five years.

...“Hey love,...

...I just wanted to let you know that I miss you so much! It makes me extremely glad that I have graduated at the same time as you. I swear to you, I'd come to your town to complete my college. Would it not be such a delightful time? We'd literally see each other, face to face, frequently! Oh my god, I am already getting all excited, even at the thought of having you in sight and hearing your voice every single day.. I love you, my lovely other half, Tsukito~ Lots and Lots of love, kisses and hugs... from me, to you and only you....

...From your precious cinnamon roll, Grace.”...

As I finished reading the letter, I could not keep it bottled up inside any longer! My fists clenched into tight balls, which, as a result slightly crumpled up a tiny part of the old letter that I had in my grasp... I tugged on to my hair and closed my eyes firmly while gritting my teeth due to the excruciating pain going on in my chest and head portion.

The memories of all the moments I had ever spent with my precious and lovely Grace, haunted my mind, causing me to recieve slightly more pain in my chest... A part of me wanted to forget her to get rid of the pain. But the other and even stronger part of me wanted to never forget my Grace... I embraced all the letters roughly under my unknowingly powerful grasp of my lovely dear one, Grace and imagined her in front of me, comforting me; which was all I could do, in order to receive the sensations of her divine lovely presence beside me.

My head was going through a constant excruciating pain which almost made me ponder and seriously think it over, if it would explode in sometime or not. My body felt unusually and oddly heavier, today, for some reason... I couldn't manage my balance and collapsed on to the floor.

My mouth remained slightly agape, "Grace… Grace… Please, come back to me... Come back." A deafening sob escaped my mouth, but, fell onto deaf ears... My sobs echoed in the dark and empty rooms of my apartment, which made me realize how lonely and empty my world has turned into after... Grace— My first love, my only adorable sunshine passed away...

As this realization hit me, My eyes welled up with tears yet again and I sobbed while hiding my eyes with my both hands, my feeble attempts to stop myself from weeping went all in vane, just as I had expected from myself.

“Grace... My grace...”

My mouth could only manage to utter out a mournful plea for my previous and innocent, Grace. She was truly my everything... My first kiss, My first love, whom I could die for.. And whom I could even kill for. She was my first kiss and I wanted her and solely her to be my last, too.

My entire day passed by... with me, spending my entire day in grief, loneliness and isolation.

“I love you, Tsukito... I love you, Tsukito... I love you, Tsukito...” I kept playing the voice message in repeat, which she had sent me last night before going to sleep and never waking up again.

“Why did you have to leave, grace..? I love you, too.. I really really love you, as well...” I murmured under my breath, a single drop of tear escaped my eyes and fell onto my palm.

“I love you, Tsukito... I Love you, Tsukito... I love you, Tsukito... I love you, Tsukito...” Grace's most recent voice message kept replaying constantly in the background along with the pitter patter sounds of the heavy downpour outside, as if a background music for my Grace's honey-like voice being the lyrics of an incomplete yet a truly beautiful melodious lullaby— sending the sensations of euphoria down my body, just like how we had met for the first time and I just... Knew it, certainly for sure that she would become my wife someday...

I then began to listen to another voice message which she had sent to me, a week ago... It made me incredibly mournful. I had really lost the biggest thing in my life and I was certain about that...

“I want to have my first time with you, Tsukito... I really wish to be married to you sooner and faster after we complete college. I'm certain I'll convince my family. I really want you in my life permanently, Tsukito..." I kept that voice message in repeat and kept staring at the picture of Grace in her mother's old wedding dress... I had really lost my most precious thing. I needed her back. Desperately.

I wiped the tears off of my face and scrolled upwards, replaying our memories in the chat...

“Remember our first date to the promenade near your house when we were like thirteen? See, I'm wearing that same jumper outfit. It's kinda tight on me now, though... ^~^” My gaze lingered over the caption and the picture, afterwards.. My precious and most beautiful woman, Grace...

I blocked my mouth with my hand and closed my eyes firmly making even more tears slide down my cheeks and fall on the phone's screen... I needed her back... I don't know if it was codependency, unhealthy attachment or true love. I just needed her back. My heart couldn't bear the fact that she was dead and gone, living in the paradise, the gardens of gods and goddesses.

All our memories that I cherished and I was fond of, were now only like nightmares to my perspective... They were haunting my mind and making me struggle to even survive...

Days passed by..

I was completely restless and in a disturbed and chaotic state. The tears had vanished but the grief hadn't, at all, vanished for good.

“Grace... Grace... Grace... Grace... Grace...”

My voice had fallen silent but my thoughts and mind hadn't. Grace's name echoed in my mind, so much, that it was almost... Suffocating, at some point.

“Grace, please come back to me...”

I wished to God, every single day, for my Grace to be given back to me like the most precious gift she was for me.

“The dead doesn't come back! You're only making a fool of yourself.” My mother scolded me everytime and everyday whenever she saw me grieving over my lost Love, absolutely lost in my own musings. Her words held no meaning to me any longer, for some reason... The silence in my house would echo and my gaze would remain on the mirror, as if questioning if the reality is even real or not...

“I had told you! So many times! Don't have any girlfriend before finishing college and here you are! See, what happens when you don't listen to your mother."

My mother scolded me, it wasn't something new. It had become a part of my new daily routine. But, her words poked me and I really thought for once..

“Perhaps, she was right...”

I thought to myself, silently, in my mind while absent-mindedly having my gaze remain static on the TV screen in the living room.

My father was sat next to me on the couch, he was observing me with a rather concerned expression. He was more afraid of me being silent than me being fully expressive about my emotions.

"Stop." He said to mother.

My mom's eyes slightly widened in disbelief that he was taking my side instead of hers, and she spoke, "But, don't you understand?--" Before my mom could even complete her sentence, he interrupted, "I do. But there's a right time for everything and now isn't the right time for that topic." He folded his arms and sighed.

"Tsukito... Let's go for a walk outside till the dinner is ready. Would you like to?..."

He questioned, for my approval. I slightly smiled in gratitude and appreciation for his understanding and stood up from the couch and followed his lead outside the house.

"You know, Your mom has been like this from the start.…Don't take her words too personal… Do you understand me?…"

My father passed me a fatherly smile as he said that.

“I won't... don't worry, dad.”

I just nodded to his advice and smiled a tiny bit with the continuation of our father-son bonding time.

“Also, it's really sad that your girlfriend passed away... I understand your situation. I really do. But, please, don't step away from taking care of yourself. If you leave yourself. Nobody would be able to save you, as well.”

Dad and I walked by the slightly busy evening streets while he shared some of his teachings and advices for my own sake.

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