Chapter 2: Not-so-Dead Cats

"Why are the streets empty? I mean, where is everybody?"

The top hat man looks at me like I just asked the most ridiculous question. He looks at the road then at me. He looks at the road again, this time touching his chin, then looks at me.

"We are not on earth per se. This," he gestures to the empty roads and houses, "is your afterlife."

"I don't think I get you," I say.

"I bet you are thinking you are a ghost, walking among live people on earth, are you not?"

"What are you saying? I'm not a ghost?"

He shakes his head more than necessary.

"No, kid. No. Dead people don't become like that. You don't get to stay on earth in a gaseous, paranormal state. That's obscene. Outrageous even. No, my dear. This, all of this, is your afterlife. You will not be able to meet familiar faces on our way. It's empty, alright. But there are still people."

He pauses.

"You can't really call them 'people'," he says. "But they're here. The feline that we are about to meet is one of them."

"Okay. Do other dead people have the same afterlife?"

He doesn't answer me as we start walking down Magallanes Street. It feels weird seeing this part of the city empty. This is supposed to be notoriously noisy and packed with hurrying people.

I figure that we are going uptown as we pass by Colon Street, the oldest road in the country. I find it funny when people call all the other streets in the city "Colon", especially when they are in jeepneys as drivers ask them where they are going to hop off. "Colon," they say but they really mean Borromeo or some other unpopular street that nobody remembers because apparently, Colon is the only street in Cebu with a name. It is not.

"What are you thinking? Damn, that's the weirdest question I have ever asked," says the top hat man.

"Nothing in particular," I answer.

"Alright, because we are here."

We are in front of a blue building with the word "UNITOP" in bold blue and white typeface at the entrance. I remember this place. This used to be a retail mall. Very cheap items were sold in here. Not that you can actually use them for a couple of weeks, that is.

"Lady Chang holds her office at the back. You don't want to look at her pussies, alright?"

"Pussies? What do you mean? She has more than one---". He stops me with his five fingers stretched wide that seem to be shouting "FIVE!"

"What? No. I mean her lackeys. Her homies. She calls them her pussies. Don't look at them."

Why do I find this afterlife really entertaining so far?

"I hope she forgets that stuff she asked me," he says, as we walk through the Milk and Coffee section of the grocery store, or what used to be it since the stalls are empty.

There's a small brown door between two shopping carts. A cat runs past me towards the door. It roars at me or... is that a roar? It is too cute to recognize.

"It's a she, kid. Political correctness, remember?" the top hat man says.

"Did you just turn it on again? Your weird stuff?"

"I apologize. I have to. We are in a moderately hostile territory, given that I owe Lady Chang an errand. It helps to know what you're thinking. Alright?"

"Just tell me when you turn it on," I say.

The cat knocks on the door four times, putting a pause between the third and fourth knock. A password perhaps?

"They change it weekly," the top hat man says. "For pressing security issues."

"But we already looked at her," I say to him.

"She's not one of her pussies. The ones you'll be avoiding are those beside Lady Chang when we see her in a short while."

The door opens and the cat meows at us then runs.

"What was she saying?" I ask him.

"What? Oh, that feline? Nothing."

"Mwid! Mwis mwat meow?!" a voice yells at the end of the alley, which has, unsurprisingly, not enough head room for us both. We practically crawl as we make our way through the other side. The only light is a faint disco ball at the end.

"Yes, Lady Chang!" he shouts back.

"What is she saying?" I ask. I did not understand any of it, just a couple of gibberish words paired with 'meow'.

"She knows I'm here."

Two black cats greet us at the end of the alley, with their yellow eyes shining rather starkly in the dark paired with the disco ball lights in the background.

I immediately look down and avoid any eye contact.

"You can look at them, kid. Not pussies," he says.

My back hurts as we get out of that claustrophobic cat hallway. The other side is fairly wide and smells of burnt popcorn. There are arcade machines in both sides of the room. Unsurprisingly, cats are playing. I see two of them quarreling over the joystick. The cat (he?) scratches the other one on the face and (he?) fights back with (his?) two paws landing on the other one's belly. They are now on the floor. The other cats do not seem to mind.

"Mwid! Mwazz ra mwooz? Mweed you myoo it?" I realize the one speaking is the cat sitting on the couch in front of us. Other cats are sitting. The pussies, I think. Don't look at them. It is hard concentrating my eyeballs on Lady Chang when my peripheral vision is that of her pussies and God knows what they are doing.

"About that, Lady Chang," the top hat man smiles awkwardly. "I haven't had the extra time to do it. But I assure you, by the end of the week it is done."

The cat, no, the feline, gives out a grunt.

Lady Chang, for starters, is a fat cat. She looks like an expensive pet kept by fashion models, only that they just leave her in the kitchen. She is scratching the head of one of her pussies. I notice that her left paw looks different. Is that gold?

"Yes," the top hat man whispers. "And hush your thoughts."

"Can you at least translate whatever she's saying?"

"Alright."

Lady Chang coughs. Wait, did she just cough?!

She then straightens up and orders her pussies to get off the couch. They leave silently. My eyeballs are hurting more looking straight ahead.

"Mwizz she mwin mwenial?" she asks him.

"Lady Chang asks if you are in denial," he translates.

"Thank you," I say to him curtly then I look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Are you denying that you are dead?" he answers.

I think about it for three good seconds, assessing if this isn't just a dream, that I am in fact, dead.

"No. I'm sure that was my dead body I saw earlier."

Lady Chang nods.

"Meow mwike this mwirl!" she says.

"She likes you," the top hat man says.

"I somehow got that," I say.

"Mwid," she calls him. "Mwan we mwok furr a meowment? Meowlone?"

"Lady Chang requests that we talk for a moment, alone," he says to me.

"Where should I go?"

As I ask this, I feel something pulling my foot. I look down and see a white cat grabbing my jeans.

"Hey," I say. Damn, this one's really cute!

"That's your escort," the top hat man says.

I follow the white cat to another room beside the couch Lady Chang is sitting.

"Are you a girl or a boy?" I ask the cat.

"Lady," the cat answers.

How come this one can talk normally and Lady Chang sounds like she needs major dental work? Anyway, this white cat keeps staring at me as she walks us to the door. Her neck should hurt, I think.

She gives a kick to the door.

"Who's that?" a voice shouts from the other side.

"**** you, Rodrigo!" the white cat answers back. Did I just say this one's cute? I am starting to love this feline.

The door opens rather harshly. A gray cat with a big horizontal scar on his left eye pops out of the door.

"Oh, Charlene. I thought you was some hooker from Gaisano!" He weirdly laughs.

"Come in!" Rodrigo says.

"You fat bastard," Charlene gives a snide. She then looks at me with a genuine smile.

"I like you, Charlene," I can't help saying.

"Whatever," she replies.

Damn this girl. She reminds me of a college friend named Maria. They both don't give a shit. The only difference is that Charlene is cute and Maria is contemptible. I don't mean her looks. I mean her overall existence. Where is that woman now? Does she know I'm dead? What would she say? Whatever, I guess.

The first thing I notice as we walk into the room is the music. Six cats on a platform sing The Ransom Collective's Settled. God, I miss that indie band. If my entire college life was a bunch of music videos it would all be their songs, ending with Fools. I'm a fangirl, alright.

"Good music, eh?" Rodrigo asks me.

I think this cat isn't the type to listen to The Ransom Collective.

He must have noticed my surprise as he laughs.

"I know. 'You don't look like you listen to TRC.' Well, I do! I fucking love TRC! I go to bed with their songs! I wake up with Open Road! I cry with Fools! Judge me, alright. I'm an open book and a romantic."

"Nobody asked your out-of-personality pop culture biases, you bastard," Charlene gnarls.

They lead me to a single sofa in the room. This place loves couches, I observe. Charlene jumps into my lap while Rodrigo sits on my feet. I look at the other cats in the room as they jam to the band. I can't really tell if they're good since Rodrigo drowns their voice with his singing.

"Hush now. Keep your head down. Move fast. Soon they'll find out," the gray cat sings this line with eyes closed. Charlene looks at me and seems to wait for me to puke or kick Rodrigo out of his self-inflicted misery.

"Well, he's cute!" I tell her.

"Your tolerance astounds me," she replies.

"I can hear you!" Rodrigo says.

"Then you know you have to shut up!" Charlene shouts back.

"Charlene, my love, if you are in the presence of such good music you can only ride the waves! And the waves tell me that I sing my heart out! Keep your thoughts together! Move fast. Now or nevaaahhh!"

"So, what brings you here?" Charlene has decided to completely ignore the feline fanboy.

"Well, I'm dead and I'm following that top hat man to wherever he takes me," I answer.

They both nod.

"So, is he the grim reaper?" I ask them.

"A con man, that's what he is," Charlene says.

"Should I be worried about that?"

"What? No. You need a con artist with millennia worth of experience, especially when you meet him," Rodrigo says.

I look confused and they get it.

"Bathala," the lady feline answers. "There are only two reasons your man comes to Lady Chang: to run an errand, which you already know he failed to do, or seek an appointment with Bathala. Go figure."

"You must be special," Rodrigo comments.

"I'm dead and special," I say. "What other hidden talents do I have?"

The door opens and Lady Chang pops out. She looks at me.

"You have to go," Charlene says as she jumps off.

As I walk to the door I can hear Rodrigo inviting Charlene to some sort of a nude party with some cool friends.

"As long as you're not coming," Charlene says. That's my girl!

"Meow, mwis is mwetting mweally meowplicated!" Lady Chang heaves a sigh.

The top hat man is still standing in front of the couch. Lady Chang sits, scratching her belly.

He does not look fine. Sweat beads run through his forehead. Is that because of the hat?

"No, kid," he answers, letting out a nervous smile.

Lady Chang signals him to start talking.

"Listen," he says. "Your situation isn't as simple as we previously thought."