“For you”

“-Yi Joon”

It was him. 

Again.

Trapped in hidden memories, ones he could never forget. I mean- how could he? Such precious memories gone? Never, he swore to love him, and only him, forever. Could he though? 

“One day you'll forget we ever met, but it's ok. I'm sure you'll find someone better than me" 

Empty words. Empty promises and plans they made together. To top it all off; “Replacing Yi Joon?”. The love of his life? 

Impossible. 

Yi Joon’s words resonated through Seo-Yun’s head, haunting him restlessly. 

“‘Someone else’ he said.” 

He grit his teeth, walking in the hospital’s main hall. 

It was already past visiting hours at the hospital, but who knew how many times Yi Joon had left to live. Seo-yun opened the door softly, unknowing that his boyfriend was still awake at this hour. 

 Even if it was dusk, he never knew when the hospital’s patients slept. They were all in poor health and some of them, if not all of them, needed twice as much rest as a normal person. Seo-yun slid the door open, to reveal a room coloured in an orange and reddish light. Shining all the way through the windows.

 Windows opened, letting a cool breeze flow through the room. The window’s white silk smooth curtains flew and drifted as flowing rivers, overlapping each other at every gust of wind. 

Next to the windows there was a person on the hospital bed. 

The individual was staring deeply at the sunset. Long blonde hair, snow white skin and deep blue eyes. It was Seo-yun’s boyfriend; Yi Joon. 

 A young man who looked to be around his teens, his smile was vague from Seo-yun’s perspective when he walked in the hospital room. 

Yi Joon, as his lover, knew his secret about wanting to enter training to make his way into the kpop industry. 

That Seo-yun was planning to debut, but since the day that they enrolled Yi Joon in the hospital he let those plans go and instead took care of Yi Joon everyday after the end of  his classes.

 There were mixed emotions in Yi Joon’s face. He was dazed and guilty for the harm he caused him. But a hint of carelessness and happiness like somebody with no regrets in life slipped from his expression.

 Seo-yun stopped to look at his bedridden lover from the door. The sadness in Seo-yun's expression could be seen by anyone, even an ignorant child.

Yi Joon turned around to look at his visitor. As soon as he saw Seo-yun, he changed his mixed expression into a warm welcoming smile. 

“Why didn't you tell me you were here?” 

Seo-yun made a painful expression the moment Yi Joon put on his facade again. He always did that, not telling anyone about how he felt or saying if something hurt. Always warming up a smile for others without asking himself why. An endless routine he built himself when it came to feelings. Some could even call him a hypocrite while doing so. 

Seo-yun responded nonchalantly. 

“I didn't say anything because you seemed out of it this time.”

Yi Joon stared at him a bit confused before laughing out loud.

“Haha, I was just thinking about something, don't worry I'm not pissed off,”

Seo-yun approached the patient.

“Are you feeling any better?”

Yi Joon sneered and waved at him.

“I'm fine, I'm fine!” he paused for a second before continuing, “Oh-yeah!You know what? I'll be discharged, I'm cured! I actually received the news today, aren't you happy for me Seo-yun?”

Seo-yun smiled bitterly.

“yeah…”

Perplexed by his boyfriend's reaction, he reached to grab his hand. In that split second, a wave of thoughts ran through Seo-yun’s mind. All of them are as quick as bullets.

“Do you think I'm stupid? You think I don't know?? That I'm some useless boyfriend that wouldn't ask for the true report?? That I'm some naive little kid who believes  everything they tell me?? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO LIE TO ME YI JOON?!”

The truth is, he wanted to be naive. He wanted to believe his lies, believe that the love of his life could get cured. That he would get better. That there were no such things as ‘goodbyes’ for them.

But of course, he could never say that to him. 

His hands clenched into fists in a second and his gaze turned dark and cold. When Yi Joon grabbed his hand he noticed the sudden discomfort in Seo-yun's body language. 

Yi Joon pulled his hand and grabbed it with both hands while resting it on his lap. Stroking it softly, as if it was his best intent at comforting him. Which nonetheless worked efficiently; Seo-yun’s hand relaxed after merely three and a half seconds and his gaze returned the way it was before. 

Silence kicked in for a minute. Fortunately, Yi Joon looked up at Seo-yun and spoke.

“You should get back now, the sun is already gone for the day. If you stay longer the sky will get darker.” His tone was warm and coaxing, perfect at convincing the crap outta anyone. Surely, Seo-yun, his beloved boyfriend, was no exception. 

Seo-yun acknowledged him, nodding before he replied.

“Ok, i'll come and visit you tomorrow at sunset after school ends,” Seo-yun turned around to leave. As he was getting past the door he heard Yi Joon call out to him one last time. 

“Seo-yun..”

“yes?”

“...” Yi Joon paused,

“Nothing. You can get going, don't mind me”

Seo-yun, for the first time, stirred up a smile. It was as comforting as Yi Joon remembered, right before he found out about his terminal illness. That's the last time he had seen Seo-yun smile at him so genuinely, so happily. 

So what else could he have done?

 Yi Joon smiled back, showing a big, bright smile. One that could light up a whole room effortlessly.

 That's the last time Seo-yun ever saw his ex-boyfriend smile..

  He received a call that day from the hospital. That same day he went to visit his lover at sunset. That was the last day he'd see him again. 

He was gone.

Running to go see his sleeping beauty for the last time. His breath was unstable. He was on the verge of tears but he still controlled them. 

Seo-yun ran through the once familiar hospital halls he knew like the palm of his hand. In the distance he could see Yi Joon’s room, right there. For some reason he had the feeling that the door was slipping away, further and further from him. When he caught the fleeing door, he opened it in a hurry. Just to regret it afterwards. 

There was a pale corpse in that bed, where there was once a bright, smart young man. Where there was once his boyfriend.

Tears ran down his face, his heart beating like drums. Seo-yun’s cold expression couldn't be described as another. This man. Who had never cried since he could remember. Now broke into tears followed by sobs. Breaking down until he found himself, crouching besides his loved one. 

Feeling his smooth pale skin, who had no life. Seeing his beautiful features, that had no more value. His big round river blue eyes, that were now closed forever. Hearing his voice, that made no sound.

He could no longer see that bright familiar smile he had known for so long. Just a cold face, purple lips and a passive expression. The one you knew, that was never waking up again.

  And the last time he would ever see him again.

Falling in and out of despair, followed obediently by depression. He laid on his bed, like everyday since Yi Joon left this world. He hadn't gone to school for 3 weeks, just wasting his time overthinking and deboarding with depression. For a change, one of those days he got up. 

Took his coat, put on his sneakers and went to see Yi Joon’s former apartment. Which he knew well.

The moment he arrived he could smell the stench of dust and dirt. The whole apartment was pitch-black. Truly like a room in a horror movie. Repulsed by the foul smell of the apartment, he opened the curtains and the windows in a flash. In an incense time he could no longer smell the dusty scent still lingering inside the room. It was morning, so he could see every part of the apartment facing the window. Which radiated with the sun’s light from outside. He recognized everything. The main table, the chairs, the kitchen, the living room, the bedrooms. Nothing had changed. 

But nonetheless, he saw something unusual on the counter table in the kitchen. 

 It was a white letter in an envelope.

It had a ‘For: Seo-yun’ written on top. Impatient and taken quite off guard he rushed to grab the letter from the kitchen’s counter top.

Seo-yun was nervous about its content, but his curiosity went far beyond his fears.

He gulped down enough saliva and opened the envelope carefully. Cautiously, he made sure the paper wouldn't rip since it was the last thing he left for him. In the envelope there was a letter, a white thin sheet of paper carefully folded into two. 

Seo-yun, wary, anxiously unfolded the sheet. He recognized Yi Joon’s beautiful writing in a heartbeat, his hands trembled slightly. 

It said;

“I'm sorry for having to write this letter and not telling you myself, Then, tell you any sooner about my terminal illness. I had a peaceful life, and I wouldn't have changed it for anything else. I just wanted to let you know that it's been the most wonderful two years of my life. These past years have been filled with marvelous memories that I still hold on to. Our love had become a drug to me, I got addicted so badly to loving you, that I couldn't let go of you anymore. I don't know if you got addicted too, but seeing you everyday was a wish come true. When I met you, you sparkled as bright as a flame and it was as warm as a summer day,  still as cool as the soft breeze that comes in autumn. We made a promise, I broke it first, It wasn't worth it, yet I couldn't say no. Even though I won't hear your answer, would you still forgive me for not saying a proper goodbye? “

Seo-yun mumbled despite himself, saying “-Yi Joon”. Before he even noticed, warm tears ran on his face, falling all the way to his collarbones. Mixed emotions ran through his mind, until a bitter sweet smile appeared across his face. Smiling at himself, he felt stupid, but he couldn't help it.

“I don't know what to do anymore..” he muttered helplessly. 

While holding the letter, he noticed a picture frame by the side of his ex-boyfriend's nightstand. In the picture there was him and Yi Joon. In the background he could see sand. It was the time they went to the beach together, as well as their first date. Seo-yun felt his heart ache the second he laid eyes on the picture. He couldn't stand it anymore, seeing photos of Yi Joon and him together were too painful to see. He turned away quickly and moved the picture to face the top of the nightstand. After finally recollecting himself, Seo-yun thought it was time to give everything away from the apartment where he once lived. If he didn't do it now, he wouldn't have the confidence to do it later. Since Seo-yun was Yi Joon’s boyfriend he had somewhat permission to do whatever he wanted with Yi Joon’s stuff. While cleaning up the apartment, memories popped up like illusions, drowning him as if he had teleported into deep water. Unable to breathe properly, feeling all of them tormenting him relentlessly. Spinning and spinning his head like a wild roller coaster. Unable to take it anymore, Seo-Yun curled up on the ground. Asphyxiated by everything, closing his eyes, hoping that everything could get lost and let him be.

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