Chapter Five Bedtime Thoughts

 After locking the bathroom door, I turned to face the white interior of the bathroom. I hadn't turned the lights on yet, as the moonlight was now shining through the circular window casting a sea of light onto the floor tiles. The floor tiles were beautiful in this light. Little paintings of forget me nots scattered among the many white tiles, swirls of light blues and yellows in every design. Along the back corner sat a clawfoot tub, sheer curtains of sage green and ivory framing the opening, dried eucalyptus leaves hanging from the showerhead, and a fuzzy, white towel was folded on a rustic chair that was placed beside the bath tub. I reached over the tub, turning the faucet on. While waiting for the water to heat up, I started to undress. Removing my slippers and shorts, placing them in the hamper under the sink cabinet. The steam was rolling above the curtains as I was removing my shirt. I turned the heat down some before stepping into the shower.

I stood there for a while letting the warm water roll down my back, thinking about the entire day. How was my first day? Did I make good impressions? Was it coincidence that I happened to meet Mr. Warner on that train? All these thoughts flooded my mind as I ran my hands through my hair washing the stress of the day off. He did wink at me, I didn't imagine that. Fate?

I finished my shower and was reaching for the faucet when a knock came at the door, "Ail, I'm headed to bed. Good night, darling," my grandma said through the door. "Goodnight, grandma," I called out while turning the water off. Picking up the towel, I buried my face into the soft cloud. The light scent of the fabric I inhaled deeply before wrapping my body within the towel. Using my right foot first, I stepped over the edge following by my left. Quickly drying off before retrieving my slippers and slipping into a robe hanging on the wall.

Unlocking the door and exiting the bathroom, I ran across the hall into my room. I closed the door behind me and walked to my dresser for underwear and a top to wear. Picking out a pair of blue, lace underwear and a silk night top. The clock read 10:19pm. I got into my bed and opened my night side drawer to pull my diary out. Opening to the pages that were blank I began writing.

...ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ...

 October 15, 2023

Dear Diary,

  Today was my first day at the Café. It was cold. Something I am not really used to. Being from California, I miss the warm, sunny days. I miss beach days, but I know I could not stay there. The accident from last summer is still under investigation. I can't deal with being questioned again. Emotionally, mentally. I moved here to get away from it all. My parents both said it would be better and easier for me to move away. I'm not a dangerous person. I just have some small quirks. I can become obsessive if I'm not careful. What am I even saying, of course I have to be careful. It's not like anyone died because of my intentions or actions. I can be impulsive sometimes. I usually hide it very well though. My mother has told me before that I had an unhealthy infatuation with lovers.

I don't know what she could mean by that. I didn't have any dating relationships, I always studied hard and focused on my self. In high school I never cared for the boys my age, maybe that's why I never dated. I often fantasized about the older movie stars I'd see in romance movies.

A year after I graduated highschool, I got a part time job at an antique shop. I loved the job and everything that came with it. The history behind the pieces that people would bring in. I remember one man bringing in his grandfathers pocket watch. A small, golden clock attached to a chain with a single emerald and small engravings of herons around the gem.

This man, I would find out lived next door to me, so it made it easier for me to get closer. I grew attached to him through that summer. He was well past his thirties, barely legal I was almost nineteen, we were perusing each other.

The first night I had with him, I'll never forget his dreamy, green eyes. His wavy brown hair, his soft lips. They way his hands felt against my cheeks as he wiped my tears. The cool summer nights, filled with fun and desires. I would sneak over the fence into his yard. We had a designated meeting place for period of three months. His greenhouse is where I would sit and wait for him. I would lie on a blanket watching up through the skylight as the stars and moon twinkle.

The system we had worked for us. I never knew his whole life or what he did during the day. He was a business man, that I know for sure. He was always properly dressed in business suits. His brief case filled with important work documents I never asked about. I made him happy as he did for me. We laughed together and would have long talks in that greenhouse. I never entered his home, never asked questions that were unnecessary and uncomfortable. Always assuming that the greenhouse was just our romantic place. I was naive and blind. I thought he loved me.

I loved him. I loved him too much, until I found out he had a wife. My infatuation turned dark. How can this man have a wife and never tell me. Not only that, but he had two kids, one of them being nearly as old as I was. They had a family dog too, a golden retriever. How perfect of a family I ruined?

Who did he really love? I'll never know that answer. I had to do unthinkable things to get him alone and to myself. He wanted to continue our affair after I found out about his marriage. I couldn't sit and share him. Who in their right mind would be okay with being second best?

I'm constantly stuck in a place of wondering. When will I have a meaningful relationship that isn't based on lies and secrets?

Goodnight for now

XOXO

-Aileen

...****************...

I closed my diary and set it inside my bedside drawer. Reaching for the lamp, I clicked it off. Sinking my head onto my pillow, the night sky looked pitch black through the window with a faint a light from the moon. I closed my eyes, before drifting off to sleep.

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