Chapter 01

" HAPPINESS", the word itself seems so farther away for a person like me. Is it because I really haven't felt it , who knows...Is happiness something that brings your face a smile or the fullness that you feel in your heart as its about to burst out . If its so, I do indeed have felt those kinds of feelings but its temporary and what I really need is a kind of happiness that makes me full and content about life and not a life that feels so empty and dull.

People usually ask me , what my future goal is or my future ambition ...."TO BE HAPPY" that was my reply but I find it so hard to acquire even though I was able to feel it at certain moments.

I guess my name "Hope" might be the reason as to why I still haven't given up on finding it and would continue to try and acquire at least a few glimpses of happiness.

I was born in a typical go-to family, where alongside my parents, I have two younger sisters.  I think since my teenage ages my parents tend to fight a lot and it has become a familiar sight in our household. Even my younger sisters who use to cry and get scared easily are now familiar with doing their own work despite our parents fighting. My mother is a uptown city girl who married a countryside boy and even though It's seems as a typical love story ..their different views towards life had made them fight a lot. But it would be rude or ungrateful of me to say that they had neglected me and my sisters...they indeed tries their utmost best to give us everything and I'm truly grateful for their love and care....but marriage , that particular concept became a thing I no longer believe and in my mind I believe it to be a hindrance for my future goal of finding Happiness.

When talking about my relationship with my parents, I guess they see me as the eldest daughter who holds responsibility within the household and its related matters. They never actually asked me to take any responsibility but I guess its an instinct I had and now I'm entwined in it and there seems to be no escape.

My sisters never bothered with any household activities as they believed that it was my job as the eldest and thus they were never pressured and was able to enjoy their youth happily without any pressure or stress.

Being an eldest daughter who didn't want to trouble their parents, expecting to be the best in household matters and also studies in order to pay their sacrifices in upbringing despite their fights ....all these responsibilities made me a person without any big dreams and the only thing that mattered to me is to be able lead a simple life in happiness. I guess from the start my goal was happiness as my life was dull and gloomy.

As I wasn't able to enjoy my typical teen life, I didn't have any friends and as I'm introverted who always keeps my thoughts to myself, my only comfort were books and music. During my senior days, I did have friends but my position as a friend was " A friend to all" which typically means everyone liked me as I was that one friend who would help others but as even the great philosophers say "A friend to all is a friend to none" and so even if I'm surrounded by friends I didn't belong to any of those typical friend groups... Rather than jealously while seeing friend groups having their own thing may it be parties, events , movies and secret talks about crushes , I pitied myself because deep inside I knew I wouldn't be able to be in these kind of friend groups and have those experiences.

Moving forward with the relationship between me and my sisters, its the typical love-hate relationship between siblings but as my parents always sees me as a perfect daughter figure, this had caused a huge negative impact on my sibling relationship and they look at me as a hindrance in their life due to the continuous comparing between me and them by my parents.

I would be lying if I said that I don't feel proud during those moments of comparing because these are those simple glimpses of happiness that I feel and of course feel worthy of life because I feel as if I had at least achieve something.

Time passed by and I became one of those people who shows the world their smile as if nothing is wrong while I felt everything was messed up inside of me. I was an outcast within my own house because I never shared my feelings but just quietly did my assigned responsibilities and it seemed as if I didn't know any of the happenings of my family as they didn't know mine. This became normal for me and I accepted my life despite my efforts of aiming for happiness.

The particular saying that says "Life is full of mysteries and surprises",  I started to believe it later on as my normal life, it changed drastically with me being selected to collage and I had to start anew with the moving away and temporarily lodging and yes....

this is where my story starts and my journey begins for seeking happiness...will it be worth it or will life continue to prove me wrong....lets see  for ourselves, shall we?

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