Life is worthless living

What is life? Does my existence itself proves that I'm alive? Why am I alive? What is my purpose of living? It's really had to keep going like this in life that has no purpose, hope, desire or anything that makes a person to believe in its life. What's the point in living when I'm breaking and crumbling day by day? Each and every passing moment is as painful as thousands of glass shards are piercing through my heart. It's so suffocating that my days are breathless while nights are sleepless.

Guilt and regret never leaves you alone. Does it? But what is my fault? Why am I the only one trapped in guilt, when clearly that was not my fault? For how long should I suffer? Even after a decade I can't put that incident behind.

With a lump in my throat and lost in my thoughts I wrote down:

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry cause I'm useless. Everyone hates me. Even after years I couldn't become a perfect daughter for you mom and dad. I tried to act like one, but I can't act anymore. I'm really exhausted. I'm ashamed of myself. I wish I was never born. You deserved a much better child than me. I hope you get a child that you deserve in your next life. It's okay if you forget me after I leave cause Alain will definitely take care of you. I won't say I love you to you cause I don't really love you like I used to. But please stay healthy and happy.

-Your Amelia."

It's 1:30AM now and I finished my last letter for them and put it on the nightstand. Now I can finally leave without any worries. Now a bottle of sleeping pills with a glass of vodka will do the work.

Pfft- a faint smile escaped from my mouth while I swallowed all those pills with vodka and realized that I kept living for nothing. I can't cry even when I want to because all my tears have dried up. How did I kept living until now and what made me keep going, I wondered and lied down on my bed.

"How long are you going to stand there and stare at me Sam?"

My eyes turned at the familiar figure standing at the door of my room. I smiled and somehow I felt relieved that at least he is here for me; even at my last moments. Looking back, he was always there for me, at my best and at my worst, he is the best person I've ever met in my life. He is my angel, my love, my golden retriever, my little firefly in my dark abyss; he is my everything in my life.

"Why are you doing this? Is this how it ends? he asked in a trembling voice as he knelt down beside my bed and held my hand.

His deep ocean blue eyes reflected an immense amount of pain and sadness, they were moist. His dark hair is messy and lips are dry. His face was a bit pale. Despite his disheveled appearance, he is still handsome as ever.

"You're right this how it ends. This is how it ends for us. We can never be together, Sam. As for why I'm doing this who knows better than you and Zen? I'm quite selfish, am not I? But for once I want to be selfish. I want to rest and I'm completely exhausted to..." I stop speaking because I was too tired to explain anything and even if tried to explain it will end up with me shouting. But Sam is the last person in world I will ever scream at. So, I simply turned my head to the other side, unable to look in his moist eyes.

"You once said that, you will keep living for me, for us. Now that you are giving up on your life means that you no longer care about me, you don't care about us anymore. After walking so long when you are about to escape from this nightmare; you are quitting? You promised me and Zen that you'll be with us forever. Is this your forever? Why are you..."

"Shh-" I turn around and place my index finger on his lips to silence him. Though he was quiet but the words he wanted to say made their way through his eyes. His dripping tears conveyed each and every words he wanted to say. I sat up and leaned to wipe his tears. He stood up and sat on my bed. He suddenly hugged me so tight as if there was no tomorrow. Oh wretches! That's right there is no tomorrow for us.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead. I look up to see his face but he hugs me again and whispers;

"Alright, if this is your final decision then I will happily stay with you till the end. I'm not gonna listen to you anymore. That's it. Please rely on me for once, Amy, for one last time. I'm not asking for more, am I?"

His melancholic tone is what makes me miserable. I gave in. He leaned on the bedpost and I rested my head on his sturdy chest. His long slender fingers slowly ran through my untied hair. Neither he said anything nor did I. Silently in his warm embrace, I peacefully closed my eyes; hoping that I can meet him for real in my next life. 'I wish you were real.' With the last statement in my inner monologue drowsiness takes over my consciousness.

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