Sexy & Handsome

“When you are so sexy and handsome.”

Jaewoong froze one foot on the top of the stairs he had been following Minjun. As he heard those words echo back up at him, words he hadn't been supposed to hear. His heartbeat frantically in his chest and he put his foot back down without heading down the stairs. Instead he turned back around and went to sit on the bench in the little gazebo on the rooftop.

‘Sexy. He thinks I am sexy? Too cute. Wait, he is cute? Hmm yes, he is cute, and handsome.’ Jaewoong’s chest tightened and his body shivered. ‘Oh, why am I getting so excited?’

“Jaewoong are you so easy that a beautiful man can hug you a few times, say you are sexy and handsome and you just see butterflies?”

“Am I starting to?... No… it couldn’t be, right? I am not starting to like you, am I?” He thought back to every night he had been here over the past week. How it had been days of practice, and all day they would hang out and work together, and then at night when he was prepared to be alone again he would feel those arms slip across his body and hold him tightly.

His heart beat quickly again. “Ah, Bae Jaewoong, are you broken? Someone starts clinging to you and you start to catch the same thing.”

Jaewoong looked at the doorway to the stairs where he had seen Minjun last.

‘He wouldn’t cling to you if he were not in so much pain that he didn’t need to… right? Why do you have to go through so much pain alone? Why won’t you say anything? I spent my whole life in pain. If speaking up could make things better. I would have. So why do you stay quiet?’

He sighed, slapped his hands against his thighs and stood up.

“I just don’t understand you Kim Minjun.”

As he stood there he smirked and rubbed the back of his hair.

‘But I so badly want to.’

“That desire is all you need to follow.” A woman's voice said.

Jaewoong turned. His face fell. He raised an eyebrow.

The shaman chuckled. “Ah still so stubborn huh. Just follow that instinct to where it will lead you. And you will be fine.” She said,

‘This old lady, cursing me. Ugh I wish I hadn’t met you.’

The old lady stood before him. “You know you shouldn’t curse the old. They know everything.” She said calmly.

“Did you read my mind? Rude?”

She placed a finger over her lips as he opened his mouth to talk. “Shhh, I came to remind you since you seem to have forgotten about what got you into this predicament in the first place. Don’t forget that what was your undoing will be your saviour, and this boy, he chose you, now your futures are intertwined. There is no escaping it. A wise fool would know to cross the river, a foolish fool would light a fire on its edge and wonder why he is cold.” She said,

Jaewoong scoffed. “Yah, Shaman you cursed me to be a bear to come here? Are you twisted? Why Kim Minjun? Oh?” He asked, placing his hands in his pocket. His happiness dissipated slowly. ‘This was planned? How? Why? Why here? Why him?’

‘Intertwined hmmm. He picked me and so now that is it?’

She laughed. “Oh goodness no, do I look like some god to you? I just simply do as I am told. You did wrong but there was still hope for you. But in the end your hope for your future is in your own hands. I did nothing but put you in a timeout. You guys did the rest. And even now the rest is up to you.”

“Didn’t you hear what I said when Minjun said he wanted to win you. I said the bear had already chosen.”

Jaewoong sucked in a breath, scoffing. “He chose me, I didn’t choose him. I had no choice in any of this.” He snapped angrily at her and lost his manners.

She smiled. “Didn’t you?” She asked quizzically.

‘How would it be if we had never met? Minjun and I. How would my time in that case be? Would I have just stayed there until I disappeared?’ This was the first time he was thinking about it. But isn’t that how it would be if they had never met.

He had been in that game for so long and no one had ever interested him. No one had even tried to play. And he had been fine to let the world disappear around him. ‘Wasn’t it what he deserved after killing his parents?’

Jaewoongs heart ached.

“There is so much pain in there, I can see it's all twisted. But not like before. Jaewoong-ah, do you really think you are completely alone in their fate?”

“Did you actually kill them? Or was it just that fate has dealt you a heavy hand. People die everyday, Jaewoong. Especially in accidents. If those who were left behind blamed themselves every time there would be no happiness left in the world. We all have regrets. Could I have changed things? Could they have lived just a little longer? Maybe I should have called more? Visited them more? If only I had seen they were upset, sad, depressed, unhappy…” She stepped closer.

“We all think this way when it comes to those we love, and losing them in our lives. Even if they have not passed away. When we lose someone we care about, it impacts us. But it’s up to us on how we let that change our lives. If we let the pain of our past turn us intentionally cruel. We will end up turning our backs on the present and those who might need us. Numbing ourselves so we don’t get hurt, only hurts those around us, silently.

She held up her bells and rang them once, as she did so a large ball of light formed. In it a vision started to appear. He saw himself. His eyes widened.

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