This isn't so bad

Jaewoong rolled over in his sleep. ‘A bed here, or a bed there. No bed is any different than the other really.’ They were just a place to rest your head and close your eyes. And yet he had missed a bed the most since being turned into a Bear. Jaewoong opened his eyes. It seemed Minjun was a light sleeper. At first he thought the night before had been because he was in his way. Maybe he wasn’t used to sleeping with stuffed animals. But he clung to him tightly and cried. And tonight he was over there rolling and twisting again.

‘What torments you so much that your mind cannot rest even when it needs to?’ He thought. He closed his eyes. ‘Then again I understand your pain. When the pain is so much you don’t even get a rest during your sleep. When I close my eyes it is the same for me.’

He let out a deep breath.

Something warm and weighted slipped across his body and he opened his eyes and looked down. He followed the arm all the way to the face of the little Pink and brown haired culprit.

“Yah, Kim Minjun. What did I say about hugging? Stay in your own lane.” Jaewoong said flatly.

Minjun didn’t respond. Jaewoong looked at his face. ‘Wait is he sleeping? Did he just?’

“Kim Minjun go back to your bed. Pretending to sleep isn’t going to save you. I said only when you need me will I be there. I told you to keep your distance. Minjun, obey me, or I will really get angry.” Jaewoong ordered. Minjun didn’t move.

He reached out and shook him. Minjun’s face fell forward so he could finally see more than his hair and chin from above. Glistening on each cheek were tears.

Minjun shivered, and another tear rolled downwards.

Jaewoong’s heart stopped.

He reached a tentative finger out and then after a moment wiped the tears away slowly with the back of his fingers. Minjun shivered again.

Jaewoong sighed and grabbed the thick blanket and covered him up making sure he got more of the blanket then he himself was using. He rubbed Minjun’s back in slow soft gentle circles.

“Minjun?” He whispered. But he didn’t really expect him to answer this time.

Jaewoong rested his chin on Minjun’s head and closed his eyes.

‘Just what is so hard that you need me to hold you even while you are sleeping?’ Jaewoong thought as he pulled him in closer and then went to sleep.

Jaewoong opened his eyes when the warmth left, the sudden jut of cool air tickled him awake making him shiver. He checked the time. Six in the morning. Minjun walked over sleepily and plummeted down into his own bed. Jaewoong held his breath to see if he was awake, but Minjun’s eyes were closed.

‘So you returned back to where you came from, hmm?’ Jaewoong closed his eyes and went back to bed. His eyes flooded with light and the alarm screamed at him. That was the final way he was waking up today.  He opened his eyes and Minjun wasn’t in the bed. A minute later the bathroom door opened and Minjun walked out.

If you don’t hurry there won’t be any hot water left after Heejin takes one in her and Kai’s room. She practically uses all the hot water up for an entire hotel when she gets ready. Minnjun said with good humour. One hundred percent back to himself.

Jaewoong nodded, and sat up. “”Oh okay.” He said but his eyes focused on the water dripping down Minjun’s back. He swallowed and turned away suddenly feeling very aware of just how nice Minjun’s back was.

“Is the day the same as yesterday? He asked.

Minjun nodded. Pretty much, we may have a few tiny things differentiated. But most of our days are the same, we practise, we work out, we do live streams, or sell merch, the change is when we have to do an ad or commercial. Depending on how popular we are it changes from month to month how much work we have outside of the building. But mostly the livestreams and the practice is all here. That’s Why Kai and Wonyong want us to work out and go for a run. To keep our minds and bodies healthy and not stagnant.” He said.

Jaewoong nodded. “Hmmm, sounds good.”

Minjun turned while he was pulling his head through his team sweater. His hair popped out and then his eyes. And Jaewoong had to hold his breath so he wouldn’t laugh.

He looked so adorably silly.

That thought flitted across his mind but he paid it no heed.

“Hurry, or you will get a cold shower instead.” Minjun said.

Jaewoong nodded and got up.

His whole day followed that pattern. Everything Minjun said word for word, following it. Following Minjun all day. All day they were together. And everytime he would see Wonyong he would bristle and mask it. Jaewoong got familiar with the pattern.

Watch, learn, repeat. Observe.

That's what they had said they were going to have him do. Because he was Minjun’s friend he would shadow him to learn. But they didn’t worry so much about the game anymore. After all he had created the character he knew how they worked. He had to playtest most of them until they were at their best on all levels and in all forms of levelling. So he didn’t need to learn that part so much. But how to play with a team. It was a little harder than he thought it would be. Apparently they had watched his tapes and deemed it was okay to still have him as a player because the committee had gotten back and said it was fine.

But as he observed Minjun he noticed, he was hurting. Hurting deeply. Jaewoong sighed. ‘Why does the magic work with you? Why are we connected and why do I care that you are hurting? I have my own pain, my own anxieties.’ He sighed but followed the plan. It was monotony in a way and he settled down into it feeling concise and decisive about his day.

‘If this is how I am going to spend my final thirty days then it isn’t a bad way to go out.’ He thought.

“What are you thinking about?” Minjun asked as he got ready for bed across the room from him.

“Oh, just that this kinda lifestyle isn’t so bad.” Jaewoong said, getting ready too.

Minjun nodded, smiling big. “Right. There are worse ways to live your life. You have good food, friends, stable work. You don’t have to bounce from part time to part time. Or worry about rent, or what bills need to be paid, what you are going to do for dinner. You just exist in this happy little ecosystem of a bubble. It isn’t easy but it isn’t too hard either.”

Jaewoong nodded. “Mhhm, right.” he watched as Minjun turned away from him and his face fell.

‘So why are you so sad inside? As sad as I am?’

Minjun laid down. “Goodnight,” he said.

Jaewoong let out a little puff of air. “Yes, goodnight.” He responded back, he laid down and closed his eyes. But his mind wandered. He never slept well, not since the accident. And falling asleep was hard. He didn’t drift into dreamland peacefully. He didn’t hum, or count sheep. He was just blank. A blank space in the unsettling darkness. It swallowed him whole behind his eyelids, until they sparkled like fireworks and changed colours. Maybe he was seeing the world behind its reflection but sometimes it felt like he was just seeing his own eyelids. Either way pinching his eyes shut never made him fall asleep any faster. But it made that tingling heaviness explode into fireworks and so he normally did so.

An arm slipped around his waist. Jaewoong opened up his eyes. The clock read one in the morning. He had already been trying to go to sleep for an hour, he sighed and put a hand behind his head. Looking down his chin at Minjun nestled into his side tightly. ‘Is this comfy for him? Would it be better if I turned so he has more space to sleep?’ He wondered.

Minjun whimpered lightly. Jaewoong lifted his head, removed his hand and swung it around him so that he could clasp his own hands behind Minjun’s back. Minjun let out a little sigh of relief. Jaewoong sighed and nustled his head into Minjun’s hair. He smelt nice, and clean, the shampoo had a slight woodsy scent to it.

‘Kim Minjun you are making things really difficult. How can I say no when you seem to need me?’

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