5 Years Later

Namil watched the clouds from where he lay on the grass in the park. He only had forty minutes until he had to be back in class to help Solhyun. He still couldn't believe he had been asked to do a special guest study on architectural basic design in Modern Life. Doing a guest lecture on the thing he loved was exactly what he had been working towards for the last five years.

And asking to Lecture even though he was just about to graduate was an honour he didn't even know how to put into words. He had worked hard for every second of the past five years and this internship to study under Matsumoto Mori in Japan was his treasure. His heart ached in the back of his ribs again the way it did whenever he was about to panic.

Instantly like it was only yesterday he could almost hear Jungguk's voice in his head. The anxiety can only get you if you let it. Push through it. Because there is no one who can do anything for you better than you can. It was utter bullshit of course But it had always made him smile at Jungguk's sincerity. There was nothing that man believed couldn't be done if you just barrelled through it like a bull.

Namil sighed, lifted his head and placed his hands underneath it before closing his eyes.

'Maybe to still his mind and not face the pressure he could take a short nap?'

"Yeah, pass it here, quickly, guys I'm open."

Namil's eyes flew back open. 'Jungguk?'

The familiar laughter that had followed him for so long stabbed at his heart. Even now so many years later. After not talking since that night. Any time they ran into each other he longed to run to him. But luckily it wasn't often they ran into each other and it was only ever from afar. They would see each other coming and would move out of the way. It had become the normal pattern. To avoid since it barely happened. It was a big campus and they had different majors. Architectural Engineering was on the opposite side as Molecular Biology. SNU was huge and building one hundred and five seemed a different world away from building sixty-four. 'What was he doing near the Kyujanggak Archive hall?'

"Yah, Steven how are you so lousy at this game?" Jungguk called out to his friend while laughing.

'His voice is so close.' Namil thought and then he realised. That his voice was actually dancing closer and closer to him. He froze, 'should he get up? The grass was kinda long, maybe they hadn't seen him. But if he got up could he sneak away without them seeing? Or was it better to stay here and wait for them to leave?' He didn't have a chance to over analyse it too much. Something hit into him and then a moment later he was smothered by something large and warm. He opened his eyes into a shirt and an all too familiar smell. He didn't even have to see his face to know who it was. Instinctively his arms reached up for his friend and wrapped around his waist. He took a deep breath and tried his best to hold back the tears that had begun to sting his eyes.

The sunlight came back as Jungguk pulled up his body in a cobra position to see who or what was hugging him, and Namil squinted up into Jungguk's startled face.

Jungguk looked down at him, his eyes searching Namil’s. Those dark buttery golden brown eyes bore into his soul

Namil wished he had been better at reading what Jungguk was feeling. Jungguk had never been an open book of emotions. And he wished for once that he could just see the stuff he was feeling flit across his face for once.

After a minute he pulled himself back down into the hug. Namil blinked into Jungguk's shirt, stunned.

"Calm like waves, in for two out for three." Jungguk said softly.

Namil squeezed his eyes shut so that the tears couldn't pour out of him and did as he was told. Jungguk had always helped him with his anxiety. It was something they had just learned to pull through together. Namil facing his trauma of being alone and Jungguk always silently being there for him. It was how he had fallen in love with Jungguk in the first place, that silent warmth that was always there to hold and treasure him during the tough times. And then five years ago he had thrown it away. Because it was too hard to cling to that warmth that wasn't his, because everytime it left him he would yearn for it back. And because it wasn't fair to either of them for him to linger on every touch, and every word. Especially since he knew Jungguk had never once tried anything more than friendship. Even when Namil had been positively shouting out with his body language how much he loved him. And how much he wanted to be loved back the same way.

Namil could tell Jungguk was holding his body up slightly so that all of his pressure wasn't on him and he wished he wasn't hovering above him slightly. He pulled him down tighter, rubbing his face into his left ****** and did as he was told.

Junggugk's heartbeat was quick and steady the exact same as it always had been. 'Yah, can't you betray him a little and beat faster for me for once. You stupid man, how is it that you can be perfectly calm everytime you hold me?' Namil inhaled that lovely familiar scent five more times then took a deep shuddering breath. After a moment he realised Jungguk wasn't pressing him to hurry. He wasn't trying to get away. If he didn't do or say anything would they stay here like this for as long as he wanted? Could he have such a miracle? He pushed on Jungguk just to try and adjust his chest to move a little and Jungguk slowly raised his body off of him. So that he was sitting over top of him and staring at Namil. Namil's face fell at the lack of physical contact like before. But then it clicked how Jungguk was sitting on him, and his face grew hot. The precarious position they were in while Jungguk staring into his eyes was almost too much. And yet. Jungguk. His expression was soft and unnervingly placid.

"All better?" He asked.

"Yah, are you coming back you lousy hooligan? Like what are you doing in the grass there?" His friend called.

Jungguk broke eye contact to look away and Namil felt his heartbeat plummet. And a wave of sadness gripped him tightly.

"Yeah, I will be right there." Jungguk called back, he reached out for the ground and went to stand up and then he stopped and looked back down at Namil.

Namil felt that sadness blow past him and his heart danced with excitement.

"Lee Namil." Jungguk said.

It was the softest sweetest tone. And his heart melted into a puddle. It almost felt like a lover calling his name. Namil smiled up at him. Jungguk glanced down and Namil followed his eyes.

"Ah, sorry." He let go of his shirt, after realising Jungguk had been too polite to ask him to let go.

Jungguk stood up immediately stepped over Namil like he was just a log in the grass and dusted himself off. He walked over to the ball, grabbed it and turned back towards his friend Steven.

"Can you learn to aim. I almost killed someone. Let's go play somewhere else so we don't get arrested for attempted murder." Jungguk yelled playfully, and then he ran off without even glancing back down. Without even saying goodbye.

Namil rolled over into the grass and curled his legs up to his chest. He buried his face into his shirt to hide his embarrassment, to hide his longing, to hide his heart breaking. But when he breathed deeply just as Jungguk had told him to, there was a little wet spot on his shirt and it smelled like Jungguk. Namil grabbed his shirt and pulled it up to his face burying his face inside it so he could let out the tears. Because there was no holding them back this time.

That was the first time they had seen each other closely since years ago. And hearing his name fall from his lips once more. It felt like his heart would never be whole again.

'Hold in there Namil it's only two more months until you leave. Two more months.' he thought but not even that thought could hold back the floodgates. So he just cried.

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***