Mistake

Jungguk stared into Namil’s eyes as the car's brake lights lit up the sky around them, the cold winter air stung his eyes but he blocked the force of the car's impact with his whole body. All he could think about was how he needed to protect Namil.

No that was wrong if he were going to protect Namil he never should have brought him here in the first place. Then… Maybe.. Then.

Namil closed his eyes and Jungguk shut his too as they rolled out of the way of the car’s hood.

Jungguk opened his eyes, the tree boughs above him stretched into the night sky and in that moment he felt very small. Like an ant clinging desperately to what it wanted. He was that ant clinging tightly to Namil. From what he could tell it wasn't a hard hit, just enough to knock him and Namil off his feet. But his body ached. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like if it hadn't been a tiny little car and had been something larger.

The car pulled to a stop and the driver got out.

“Yah! You idiots, watch where you are going! Who fights in the streets like pigs. You could have killed someone.” Jungguk stood up, not putting his full weight on his one leg. But he didn't even give the guy a second thought, his eyes were fixed tightly to Namil. Hoping that since he was the one who had been hit that Namil would be alright.

“Sorry.” He yelled back. The guy growled angrily then got back into his car and drove away.

Namil stared. His eyes filled with worry.

Jungguk wiped the blood from his lips and chuckled, trying to laugh off the situation before offering out a hand to his friend.

Namil glared at him and hit it away, and he stood up on his own then dusted himself off.

“Was finding out what's going on between Professor MyungKi and I worth it? We could have died! Did you have to stop me in the street just to throw a hissy fit? Am I your property? Do You need to know what I am doing at all times?” Namil snapped.

“Yeah, yeah I do. Who said you could ditch me for some pervert.” Jungguk snapped. The leaves rustled in the wind, causing Jungguk to shiver lightly. summer was just about to start but until then the air was still a bit chilly.

Jungguk blinked as the sound of Namil’s hand hitting his flesh echoed into his own ears. And the force of the slap made his head spin to the left.

Maybe it’s because he was less than human and it reminded him of himself. But that professor had made Jungguk feel. Well he was feeling like he was a maniac. So Namil asking if he was crazy wasn’t too far off.

Or maybe he was overreacting and it was the stinging ring in his ear as the blood dripped down Jungguk’s forehead that made him feel like tonight he couldn’t let this go. He had seen them with his own two eyes in the parking lot. That bastard. He he had almost kisse..t

Jungguk licked his lips and bit the corner of his mouth where the blood had just started to scab. The blood dripped again and he licked it. The metallic tang stinging the back of his throat as he swallowed.

“Why do you care? I am my own person. What does it matter what I do?” Namil asked, nodding his head almost vibrating with anger.

Jungguk scratched the nape of his neck. The tingling power made him lose his composure and smirk.

“Yeah, yeah you are.” He snapped.

“Yah are you smiling right now? Do you think this is funny?”

Namil asked. Wiping away the blood from his nose.

“Yes, it’s fun.” He agreed angrily.

“Why did you let him touch you! Why did you let him put his hands all over you? That perverted asshole!.. Namil you, you are…”

“Hey, you crazy bastard. What do you think you are doing? “You could have killed us just now over something so stupid and you think it was fun?” Namil snapped.

“Mhmm,” He said as laughter bubbled past his words and twisted his face into a maniacal little half smile. He felt like he was losing his mind. He wanted to scream into the night how unfair this was. 'He had simply meant to ask him if he knew what he was doing, kissing a guy almost twice his age. But Namil was right. Why the hell did that matter to him? He didn't even have the right to ask such a question. He was just his best friend. And yet. He had never felt more insane than the moment he saw that, that... asshole put his hands on Namil. "Namil doesn't like that!" he had wanted to punch him and tell him to get lost. But he didn't know if Namil wanted it. They were about to go to Uni. It was very possible Namil did want a kiss. Maybe he liked Professor MyungKi. But that thought. That thought is what had made him lose it. He can't like him. He can't...'

“Solhyun was right about you. I never should have stayed here.” Namil said as he wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand then spit out the little bit from his bloodied lip.

Jungguk felt the anger boil up inside him. It didn’t matter how much they fought like cats and dogs, in the end Namil would always say sorry then so would he and they would let it go. Something so small and silly couldn’t wreck their relationship. ‘But he wished he hadn’t stayed? What?’ Jungguk grabbed his friend and pushed his forearm across his chest slamming him into the paved wall behind him.

“You wish you had never stayed with me? You regret it?” Jungguk asked, while staring deeply into Namil’s eyes. The silence stretched between them and Namil looked down at his lips before looking back up to Jungguk’s eyes.

Jungguk followed that deep and resonating gaze that always felt like he was being skinned alive. The gaze he craved for, that judgement and adjudication all encompassed into one, a gaze that made him feel human again. The love in Namil’s eyes that always stayed there no matter how vile or screwed up the rest of the world thought he was.

But the love wasn’t there and the gaze only lasted a second before it too, flitted away. Like a lingering memory he couldn’t replace.

His lip trembled and the pain that twinged downwards was a bearable reminder of his choice tonight.

“You really want to leave me?” Jungguk asked again.

Namil stared into his eyes, tears welling up inside of them an echo of his own that sat at the corner of his.

‘Ah there it is, that look of love. You love me, we have been together for four years, there is nothing without us together, you can’t leave me, Namil.’ He thought.

“Yes. I’ve had enough of your lies, of your one man show. It always has to be what you decide Jungguk! You never ask me, you just always assume that I will have your back. When are you going to stop being so childish?” Namil snapped, raising his voice angrily.

“You always have my back.” Jungguk whispered.

Namil sniffled and lifted a hand to wipe away his own tears. Then easily pushed Jungguk’s arm off him.

“Yeah, yeah I do. It’s just sad you don’t know what that means anymore. Don’t talk to me ever again Jungguk I'm done. I'm not your stupid possession Jungguk.” Namil said, then turned and walked off. Jungguk stood staring after him. His heart pounding into his ears, and the sorrow sinking into his gut.

“Namil!” He yelled.

But Namil didn’t turn back.

Not even for a glance, not for a single second. Not even once.

Jungguk balled up his fists and sunk to the ground before pounding at the pavement. The misery washed over him in waves.

‘It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Hadn’t they made a vow? Hadn’t they promised to be friends till the end? So why was he leaving him now? No he wanted to stay together always, friends or not. But why did you pick that damn professor over us?’

Namil!

Namil!!!

He howled into the air. A few people on the other side of the far pass, scurried past quickly avoiding making eye contact. Noone stopped to stop him from beating the pavement until his fists were raw and bleeding, no one helped him back up when his throat was raw and sore from screaming out for him. And no one held him as the tears poured down his face. The tears of pain and torture.

That had been Namil’s job all along.

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