RAFAELA...
Matheus is still going to make me end up in a psychiatric clinic... How can someone who was such an arrogant, egocentric, and narcissistic jerk become such a sweet human being in just a few days? Well... Actually, he's just behaving the way he used to before everything happened.
We're sitting down finishing our spaghetti, and yes, it's really good, but I haven't told him that so he doesn't get too full of himself. I still need to make him feel bad for all the time he spent away.
"Matheus..." I ask, trying to start any conversation that distracts me from my son's health condition, "can I ask you some questions?"
"Any questions you want," he says, lowering his fork onto his plate before asking. He stops eating and looks at me anxiously, waiting for me to ask the questions.
"Did you ever...," I avert my gaze from his, "something about us... Why did you do that?"
I ask for myself, avoiding the other two questions that are on the tip of my tongue. He seems to think before answering. And his delay in saying anything only makes me anxious, not really anxious, but... apprehensive, afraid of the answer.
"I was scared, Rafa... Not of fatherhood itself... Or of what people would think of the new CEO building a family with..."
"The employee's daughter?"
"No! You were never the employee's daughter in that house, Rafa. My parents always treated you and your siblings with such kindness that sometimes I felt jealous."
I smile a bit, remembering how his parents always treated me, even with the pregnancy. They were always loving and understanding towards me, and they didn't demand to be present in the children's lives. I was the one who included them in their lives because I understood that it wasn't their fault that their son did what he did.
"Your parents are angels."
"They truly are. That's why I moved out two days after you left... because I knew they would be hurt by me, and I didn't want to see the way they looked at me... I also knew that they would stand by your side, rightfully so..."
"I never understood..." I speak softly, feeling the weight of this conversation fall on me, "why you didn't believe me... and especially... why you said I was trying to scam you..."
"We've always protected each other. The only thing that crossed my mind that day was that you had cheated on me and were trying to make me take responsibility for two children that weren't mine. It was only after I said that and saw the pain on your face that I realized what an idiot I had been."
"Why Madson?"
"She only cared about money. She didn't love me... Not like you. She just wanted a chance to expose me as a trophy and advance her career. After all... What better argument than being the 'fiancee' of the great Matheus Jones to become a successful model? It was just another exchange of favors... I helped her boost her career, while she helped me feel punished for what I did."
I lift my gaze a little and meet his blue eyes. I still can't understand why he just didn't let me explain, why he made that hasty decision... But we're talking about Matheus... He has always been like that, explosive.
"You helped her?"
"What?"
"Madson... Did staying with her make you feel punished enough?" He shakes his head.
"Nothing justifies my actions, Rafa... You were always honest, you never hid anything from me. Even a thousand years away from you, I won't be able to forgive myself for what I did. The mistake wasn't yours... It was mine. I didn't value you enough, and that's why I lost you... It's a burden I'll have to carry forever."
"Would you change anything about what happened?"
"Oh God, yes! A thousand times, yes! If I could go back to that afternoon... God... I would do everything differently. I swear that when you told me you were pregnant... I would have taken you in my arms and yelled to everyone how happy I was."
"But you can't, can you?"
"No... That's why today I'm doing what I can to make it up to our children..."
When he says that, I feel a tightness in my chest. He wants to make amends with our children, not with me... Why haven't I forgotten about him? Why didn't I throw myself into any relationship just to forget about him?
Of course, I know the answer. I didn't do that because despite everything he said, I was pregnant, my hormones were tripled, and I only thought about my children. It was only them that I thought about, I never even thought about a man, and when I did...
In those cold nights, when I felt the absence of a body around me... It was his body, sitting in front of me, that I desired... Because it was the only body that had ever touched mine. He was the only man who had made me feel any emotion.
It was on those cold winter nights that I missed him the most, that I allowed myself to be a foolishly in love idiot. I say foolishly because the only man I loved had stepped on my heart.
"You're getting a second chance, Matheus... Not everyone gets one."
I don't tell him that the second chance applies to winning me back, no... I won't say that. I don't need him in my life yet, he's already becoming a part of my children's lives and that's enough.
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