Episode 15

RAFAELA...

I thought I wouldn't be able to handle Matheus, that I would give in to him at any moment, and I must admit that almost happened when I said goodbye to him.

"Thank you, Rafa... for allowing me to be a part of their lives."

"Just don't disappoint them... I can handle you breaking my heart, but not my children's," I say firmly and he nods.

"Can I visit Pedro at the hospital tomorrow?"

"He has to be at the hospital by seven... And Ana has school... I'll have to take her with me when I drop off Pedro."

"I can take her if you want," I start to say, but he interrupts me, "only if you want, Rafa... I told you I want to share the burden with you, I'm not asking for her to spend the day with me, just... to take her to school since you have to drop off Pedro at the hospital early. But that's all I want... If you prefer to ask your parents to take her, that's fine, I won't complain."

I stop and just listen to what he's saying, I don't know what he's expecting me to respond, and to be honest, I don't know what to say to him.

"I don't know... Matheus... You just entered their lives... I think it's still too early for you to take that step," he takes a deep breath and nods.

"Alright. But can I go see Pedro?" Now it's my turn to take a deep breath.

"Alright... Goodbye, Matheus."

"Goodbye, Rafa."

Before I close the door or he completely walks away, I feel a kiss being left on my temple. I stand there in the middle of the doorway, watching him walk away, get into his car, and drive off.

I finally snap out of my trance and see that the kids are dressed for bed, but they're sitting on the couch, watching TV.

"Did daddy leave already?" Pedro asks.

"Yes, he did, son. Let's go to bed? You have to go back first thing in the morning..."

"I don't want to, mommy... Can Uncle Nat let my brother stay a little longer?"

"He can't, sweetheart... Your brother needs to stay in the hospital to get better soon. I know you don't like it... I don't like it either, not one bit... But... It's necessary, my loves."

"Can I sleep with mommy tonight?" Pedro asks with a sad face.

"I want to too..."

"You can, my babies, come, let's sleep with mommy."

I pick up both of them, and don't ask me how, but a mother always has the strength and ability to do everything for her children, including picking up two five-year-olds at the same time.

We reach my room and I put them both on my bed while I go change into my pajamas. Once I'm changed, I lay down and embrace my two babies, my angels.

"Sleep... Mommy is here to protect you from everything. Always."

"I love you, mommy..."

"I love you, mommy..."

They say sleepily, I give a small smile and just reply softly when I notice that they're already asleep.

"I love you too."

I wake up early the next day, and after getting Ana and Pedro ready, I get myself ready and give them breakfast. We leave very early. Once I have everything settled at the hospital, and make sure Pedro is well settled, I go drop Ana off at school.

"Mom."

"Hi, sweetheart."

"Is my daddy going to see us again?"

"Yes, sweetheart..."

"I liked daddy..." I let a small smile form on my face. "Mom..."

"You can talk, dear."

"Why did daddy only appear now? Where was he before?"

I swallow hard and before I can think of a clever answer to give her, we arrive at school.

"We're here, sweetheart," I get out of the car and take her out, leading her to the entrance gate. "Go on so you don't be late. Mommy loves you."

I give her a kiss on the top of her head, her friends arrive as well and they come to hug her, I find their friendship beautiful. From a distance, I see the parents of one of the twins' friends, Igor's parents. We've talked a few times, especially when the kids had the idea of having a slumber party at Luana's house.

I go up to them and they greet me with a smile. I notice that Igor's mom, if I'm not mistaken her name is Juliane, is pregnant. I don't remember seeing her pregnant the last time we met.

"Hello. You're Igor's parents, right?"

"Yes, you are the mother of the twins?" I nod "he came home yesterday all happy, because according to him, Ana and Pedro's dad is awesome lol"

"He's still learning to be a father. Let's say he only just started being a part of the kids' lives..." she smiles at me and looks at her husband silently asking him to leave.

"I'll wait for you in the car" he gives her a kiss and walks away.

"You two make a beautiful couple."

"Thank you. Do you have a minute?" I nod, she smiles again and leads me to a bench under a big tree "we haven't properly introduced ourselves. My name is Juliane, and that over there is Gustavo" she points to her husband "I understood what you meant by"he's still learning to be a father". Gus also only came into my life when I already had my first daughter. He had no experience with kids, but he did his best to be a super dad to my princess."

"Is he only Igor's dad?"

"Yes. And of this other little princess here" she caresses her round belly "look, I don't know your story and I don't want to intrude by asking you to tell it now. But... Once, a close friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that still sticks with me today. Often, love is right at our doorstep, we just need to let it in. If the twins' father wanted to take on this commitment, despite all the"buts"and"what ifs", allow it. Everyone has their own time, their own way to heal a wound. But there's no better healing than love. I'm telling you this because I saw the way you talked about the twins' father, and I never miss a small glimmer of sadness in someone's eyes. Your sadness isn't just about Pedro, am I right?"

"Yes... And I don't even know what to do anymore to not feel this... To keep this pain from consuming me so much. But it's so difficult..." she puts her hand on my leg and gently squeezes.

"I've been through a lot too, before Gus. Especially before moving to the community" she points in the direction of the favela "the hill. But let me tell you something, when I chose to forgive myself, in addition to forgiving anyone else... It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Often, self-forgiveness is all we need to stop feeling so much pain."

"What if I can't forgive myself?"

"Then talk to God... Only He can do everything. I'm not saying you don't have faith, but... Try... To forgive yourself. Forgiveness sets you free. It opens up paths. And when you forgive yourself... then accept this love that I know is burning here" she puts her hand on my chest "in your heart. I have to go, I have a school to get back on track. Think about what I told you, here" she hands me a card "this is my number, if you ever need it, just call. Even if it's just to spend some time with the twins while you clear your mind. They are sweethearts, and I'm sure you're much stronger than you think."

She says that and leaves, going to the car where her husband patiently waits for her. I watch as he opens the door for her and gives her a peck before helping her fasten her seatbelt. Then I redirect my gaze to the school, and finally, I close my eyes, trying to see inside myself.

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