Episode 11

"Sim, my love... You have a father..." I speak a little tensely.

"Who is my daddy, Mom? Is he already in heaven?" I take a deep breath before continuing.

"No, son, he's not in heaven... Just... Was... He..."

"He is that guy who came here yesterday, right?" he asks with a sad voice " I never saw him before, Mom, and now that I'm sick, he appeared saying he's your friend... He is, right? He's my dad" he says already crying.

"Son, calm down, hey, look at me" I dry his tears and make him look at me " I know I shouldn't have kept this from you, but try to understand Mommy, okay?"

"He doesn't like us? Is that why you didn't tell us he's my dad?"

"Pedro... Don't say that... There are things that are too complicated for you and your sister to understand..."

"Is it an adult problem?"

"Yes, it is, son..." I say a little sadly.

"Do I need to call him Dad?"

"That's up to you, dear. If your heart wants to call him Dad... Then... You can call him."

"Will he watch me play soccer? Will he watch Ana in her ballet performances?" I open my mouth to speak, but I don't know what to say.

"Only he can answer that, son" he nods in agreement, I wait for the next question, but he doesn't ask any, so I understand the subject is closed " it's time for your class, I'm going to buy a cup of coffee, is that okay?"

"Okay, Mom. I'll be fine..." I leave a kiss on his forehead and step away, but before reaching the door, he calls me " Mom..."

"Yes, dear."

"When you see my father again... Can you tell him that... That I didn't mean to be rude?"

"I will, my love."

I leave his room and meet his teacher, I greet her and head to the dining area, when I arrive there, I find Matheus with a cup of coffee, a ham and cheese sandwich, and a slice of cake.

"A hearty coffee..." I say as I approach him.

"I need some energy... I just had several tubes of blood taken, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I had forgotten how dramatic you are..." I give a half smile " what are the next tests?"

"Well... I have to literally do all possible ones so as not to risk Pedro... So... cardiac ones to make sure I can withstand surgery. And a few others."

"I'm hoping for positive results..." I'm a little unsure of what to say.

"How is he today?"

"Fine..." I swallow hard " he asked me some questions before I came to get a coffee for myself..." he stops looking at me, but I look away and stare at my hands " he wanted to know if there's a... Father..."

Matheus remains silent, just waiting for me to continue.

"I told him yes, Matheus. Even though you don't deserve to be called that. Now Pedro knows that you're his father and Ana's." He asked me several questions about why you're not present in their lives," even asked if it's because you don't like them..." I stop talking, because I feel my eyes stinging " I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't look into the eyes of my own son and tell him that the man who should be his father rejected him when he was just a helpless baby."

"Rafa... I..."

"He asked me to tell you that he didn't mean to be rude to you yesterday. And he also wanted to know if you're going to be like other dads, who watch their kids play soccer and do ballet performances. You know... Matheus... I always imagined the moment when Pedro and Ana would question me about their father, and I rehearsed insistently, a way to tell them the reasons why they don't have a father... But... I realized today, that no matter how much I practice, how many texts I memorize and engrave in my mind... I will never have the right words to tell my children, that their father... That their father rejected them!"

"Rafa..."

"Matheus. I swear I'm happy that you're trying to help Pedro, and I appreciate your position, especially because you didn't turn your back on us. But... It still hurts, you know... To look at my children and see that they will never have normal parents... And it hurts even more to realize that they will always ask these kinds of questions and I... Will rarely have the right answer."

"Rafa... Let me speak, please..." I take a deep breath and nod " I was a monster to you, years ago, and I continued to be all this time. My actions today won't erase anything I did in the past, but... I'm willing to accept everything that comes with the responsibility of being a father. I want to be the father who watches their soccer games... Who is there in the front row watching their ballet recitals... I want... I also want to be the one who helps them with their homework, who takes them to the doctor, takes them to the park... And if you allow me... Who also tells them a bedtime story... I don't know how to be a father... But I'm willing to do my best for them..."

I look at him, I truly look at "big Matheus Jones," the same person who kicked me years ago, calling my children bastards. Today, he's here, in front of me, telling me that he wants to give his best to be a father to the same children he rejected in the past.

"I'll tell Pedro that you forgave him for his behavior. Ana liked you... She even asked me when she would see"uncle Teteu" again... Tomorrow, I'll come to pick up Pedro to spend the weekend at home... If you want... You can come over."

He gave a brief smile and nodded. I got up and went to the cafeteria, ordered a cup of coffee, and returned to Pedro's room. I know that at this moment, what I should do is let things progress slowly, but I can't deny to myself and to anyone else that what I want the most is to see my children happy, and if allowing Matheus into their lives will make them happy...

Then may God help me.

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