Why?

As I enter the apartment, I don't see any lights turned on, so I guess they fell asleep. But, while I walk in, heading to the corridor that leads to my bedroom, the lights suddenly turn on and I notice her laying on the couch, with her arms crossed over her chest.

We both stare at each other for a few moments as my fear grows more and more until she decides to break the silence, yelling at me:

"Where the **** have you been, slut?"

Her words cut my soul in two in less than a second. So many emotions flood my mind in that moment: insecurity, sadness, fear, but most important, disappointment in myself because I could never make her see me as anything else but a slut. That's all I'll ever be to her, a *****. A careless, dumb, incapable of anything, meaningless piece of shit.

But the worst part is that no matter how hard I try not to let her break me or how many times I repeat that stupid 'I don't care about what she says' in my head, everything will always be the same. I'll always care way too much... And I hate that. I hate the fact that I can't control my feelings at all and I never could... I hate myself.

"I asked you something! Why didn't I get an answer yet? Are you retarded? Can't you hear me, bitch?"

My mom's questions brought me back to reality, but also brought me even more sadness, and God knows how hard I tried not to cry, because I know she's very annoyed by that...

After a couple of milliseconds, I regain control over myself and let a few words escape my mouth, trying not to express my fear... That's what she wants the most - to see my fear, to watch me trembling on my knees, crying and begging for her to have mercy on me. I've done that many times because I've so much pain in my soul and sometimes I just can't hold it inside me anymore, and that's when all my demons get out of me and everything makes me cry... **** that.

"Mom, I can explain-"

"I don't wanna hear any of your bullshit, *****!" She yells as she gets up from the couch and walks up to me. "Do you have any idea how much I pay for your education?"

Standing right in front of me, only a few inches away, she whispers through her teeth, and that makes my heart stop and my whole body becomes ice cold. I feel like I'm about to collapse, right here and right now, but I try my best to stand still and listen to her while getting ready for some very painful punches...

"Mom, please let me expl-"

"Shut the **** up you stupid liar!" Saying that she slaps me as hard as she can, pushing me backward and leaving a huge red mark on my face, that felt like it was burning because of the pain.

"I raised you since you were a motherfucking baby with MY OWN money! I paid for your food, your clothes, your school, and also a damn place to live in!" She keeps on yelling at me as I walk backwards, hoping to find an escape, but she follows me and with each step she makes, my hope of getting out of here flawless tonight in smaller and smaller.

"I wasted all my money, time and health on you during my whole life! And you spend your days sucking dicks on the street instead of going to school you ungrateful *****!"

"What? Mom, I-"

"I told you to shut up!" All my stupid excuses and my tries to make her believe me were completely useless. No matter how much I beg her to be rational, I know it will be in van... And here goes another punch... Ouch, **** you, shoulder, why do you have to hurt so much?!

"What are you going to tell me now, huh? That you're a "good girl" and you go to school every day, you try your best to have good grades and you've never skipped any class?!" She continues to yell through her teeth as I watch the anger in her eyes grow more and more. And as for what I'm going to tell... Or try to tell her, kinda yes, I would try to tell you that I'm trying my best at school everyday just to make you proud, because it's true... But who cares, right?

"You bitch devoured my soul and left me hopeless, you are the reason for every single shit in my life and you've always been since you were born! And I'll spend the rest of my life making you regret that as you should!"

She doesn't even wait to finish that sentence. Mom then immediately starts hitting me as hard as she can, with whatever she can - her fists, her feet - until she eventually pushes me on the floor. ****, I can't even keep my eyes open anymore. It is just so... much pain... And it's getting harder and harder for me to breathe... But I guess that's ok. At least I made her happy (if you were wondering, yes, she enjoys seeing me in pain, but nevermind). It's not like it's the first time I go through something like this, but I'll manage to get up from the floor and go to my room... The shitty fact is that everything is less easy every time, and I don't know how long I'll be able to keep doing this...

As I come back to reality from my thoughts, I realize my mom's still here, standing next to me and watching me with a smile on her face. When she notices that I'm looking at her, she bends on her knees to reach my level and whispers through her teeth: "Mark my words, slut. I'll kill you with my bare hands, even if it's the last thing I do." Then she leaves the living room and turns the lights off. After a minute I hear her bedroom door open and close back. Yes! she's finally off to sleep.

After a while, I eventually gain enough power to pick myself up from the floor and go to my room, but, as always, I didn't get much sleep at all, because of those idiot thoughts that always consume my mind. What did I do to her? When did she start hating me so much? Is Alice right? Should I run away? Do I deserve all these?

I have many unanswered questions in my head that nobody will ever answer, either because they don't want to or simply because they can't, but one thing is for sure - these painful thoughts that eat me alive... they'll never leave me alone.

I always believed in previous lives and stuff like that. Maybe something I've done in one of my previous lives affected my current life and I can do nothing but bear the consequences of my actions? But even if I think I am the only one who can create or change my future and destiny, I don't think I was given something without a certain reason. Unfortunately, all that shit doesn't stop me from wondering. What? How? Who?... Why?

I'm way too tired right now to try to give myself all the answers that I want, but I can't go to sleep either. Not because I don't want to, I just can't. I lost my ability to sleep peacefully a long time ago and I don't think I'll ever get it back. Ugh, God knows how much I wish I could be like Alice, for example. Her life is always so easy - she's the most popular girl in our high school, she's so beautiful and smart, rich and has such a loving family... I always envied her and I thank God that she's my friend, but I just hope I'll be like her one day... I'm just too dumb to make someone want to be near me, stupidly tall and, well... I guess you already know about my family... I don't need to talk about that even more.

Maybe someday I'll be able to get out of Ali's shadow and stand up for myself. Maybe someday I'll be able to look in the mirror and start smiling, not crying. Maybe someday I'll stop having these nightmares every night, maybe, maybe, maybe...

"Ugh", I sigh, "I have to sleep for a few hours, though, don't I?"

I sometimes talk to myself at night... I don't know how, but it helps me. "But how?... Perhaps Soph and David will help me?"

If you are wondering who the heck Sophie and David are, well, they are my favorite characters in my story. Yes, I have a story, and yes, I write.

Ever since my mom... Umm... Yes, I found this passion for writing and I really love what I'm doing. Writing relaxes me and gives me hope that perhaps one day people will like me because of my books. Like Agatha Christie, for example. And if not, at least I'm proud of myself... I think...

'As Sophie got closer to the bush, scarier and louder sounds came out of it. Cara hissed at her and easily hit her with her tail, symbolizing a <>

She didn't listen, though, and continued walking closer to the bush, then raised her arm and touched the enornous mountain of leaves, when it suddenly began to shake.'

I continued writing for a while until I started to feel sleepy. I then yawned and counted how many pages I've written tonight. 5. Not so many, since I usually write about 15 pages at a time. Anyways, I put my book on the wooden nightstand next to my bed and turn the lamp off, as the whole room turns dark in a second.

"I guess that's it for today, I can finally get my daily dose of sleep to prepare for tomorrow" I sigh. "Maybe this time I'll be able to sleep for more than three hours..."

Saying that I pick up my phone one last time and look at the clock. 02:48 AM. Nope, it looks like I only get 3 hours tonight too. Yaaaaay... No, not actually, but eh, as always, I can't do anything about it...

In a few seconds, I fall in a deep sleep, getting rid of all my thoughts, but not for too long, because my demons will never leave me the **** alone. During the day, my mom beats the shit out of me for real, but when the darkness falls over the city, she keeps haunting my dreams. Forever and always, not once allowing me to have a peaceful sleep.

---------------------------------------------------------

The following day, in Sam's room

(Samantha's POV)

I'm always so tired that I don't even know why I set an alarm before I go to sleep. It kept ringing for about 30 minutes, but I heard nothing at all. The only thing that managed to wake me up was the bright Sun which shone through my window, pointed right on my eyes that started to burn like ****.

"Ouch! Ok, ok, I woke up, are you done now?!" I hiss while getting up from the bed and rubbing my face with both my hands, trying to convince my body that I woke up, even if it kept screaming "Go back to sleep, no school today girl!". Yeah, I don't think so, you will have to wait for the day when I'll finally be able to say "No more school, bishes!".

I then rearrange the bed and go to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

10 minutes later...

After that, I change into my sporty outfit as fast as I can, pack my backpack and head out silently, trying not to wake anyone up.

As I exit the building, I open my phone and push "Play" on my playlist. I then take a quick look at the clock. 06:34 AM. Shit, I'm late!

I guess I don't need two hours of jogging, maybe one is enough today.

I'm waking up to ash and dust

I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust

I'm breathing in the chemicals

I let the music erase all my thoughts as I start running to the park. Imagine Dragons has always been one of my favorite bands, I think they see the world as it is, not only pinky clothes and laughter everywhere you go, and their song, "Radioactive", is one of my favorites, along with "Believer" and "Bad Liar" which are, of course, the following songs in my playlist.

I was choking in the crowd

Building my rain up in the cloud

Falling like ashes to the ground

Hoping my feelings, they would drown

One hour later...

As always, my playlist ended on a sad note with "Let Me Down Slowly" by Alec Benjamin. I sat on a bench and took a look at the clock once again. 07:41 AM. I then went to the toilet and changed into my uniform, and after I headed to school. Wish me luck! I'll definitely need it...

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