Ep 3

...Stingy Lion...

A Screenplay by me

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Noble psychiatrist DCI CHRIS GREENWAY is arguing with witty private detective DI JACK RANDALL. CHRIS tries to hug JACK but he shakes him off.

CHRIS

Please Jack, don't leave me.

JACK

I'm sorry Chris, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

CHRIS

I am such a person!

JACK frowns.

JACK

I'm sorry, Chris. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

JACK leaves.

CHRIS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, brave psychiatrist MRS CHARLOTTE PLUMB barges in looking flustered.

CHRIS

Goodness, Charlotte! Is everything okay?

CHARLOTTE

I'm afraid not.

CHRIS

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CHARLOTTE

It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion squish a bunch of kittens!

CHRIS

Defenseless kittens?

CHARLOTTE

Yes, defenseless kittens!

CHRIS

Bloomin' heck, Charlotte! We've got to do something.

CHARLOTTE

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHRIS

You can start by telling me where this happened.

CHARLOTTE

I was...

CHARLOTTE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

CHRIS

Focus Charlotte, focus! Where did it happen?

CHARLOTTE

National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!

CHRIS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHRIS rushes along the street, followed by CHARLOTTE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER

ROY SWEET a stingy lion terrorises two kittens.

CHRIS, closely followed by CHARLOTTE, rushes towards ROY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHARLOTTE

What is is? What's the matter?

CHRIS

That's not just any old lion, that's Roy Sweet!

CHARLOTTE

Who's Roy Sweet?

CHRIS

Who's Roy Sweet? Who's Roy Sweet? Only the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

Blinkin' knickers, Chris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHRIS

You can say that again.

CHARLOTTE

Blinkin' knickers, Chris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stingy lion in the universe!

CHRIS

I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Roy turns and sees Chris and Charlotte. He grins an evil grin.

ROY

Chris Greenway, we meet again.

CHARLOTTE

You've met?

CHRIS

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHRIS is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ROY. He takes off his headphones.

ROY

Would you like some chocolate?

CHRIS's eyes light up, but then he studies ROY more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHRIS

I don't know, you look kind of stingy.

ROY

Me? No. I'm not stingy. I'm the least stingy lion in the world.

CHRIS

Wait, you're a lion?

CHRIS runs away, screaming.

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY

ROY

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CHARLOTTE

(To CHRIS) You ran away?

CHRIS

(To CHARLOTTE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHRIS turns to ROY.

CHRIS

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHRIS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

CHRIS

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.

ROY

I'm not scared of you.

CHRIS

You should be.

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - LATER THAT DAY

CHRIS and CHARLOTTE walk around searching for something.

CHRIS

I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

CHARLOTTE

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

CHRIS

You know nothing Charlotte Plumb.

CHARLOTTE

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ROY appears, holding a pair of spoons.

ROY

Looking for something?

CHARLOTTE

Crikey, Chris, he's got your spoons.

CHRIS

Tell me something I don't already know!

CHARLOTTE

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHRIS

I know that already!

CHARLOTTE

I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

ROY

(appalled) Dude!

While ROY is looking at CHARLOTTE with disgust, CHRIS lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHRIS

Prepare to die, you stingy parsnip!

ROY

No please! All I did was squish a bunch of kittens!

JACK enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHRIS

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chris Greenway defender of innocent kittens.

ROY

Don't hurt me! Please!

CHRIS

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!

ROY

Because Chris, I am your father.

CHRIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

CHRIS

No you're not!

ROY

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ROY tries to grab the spoons but CHRIS dodges out of the way.

CHRIS

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ROY slumps to the ground.

CHARLOTTE

Did he just faint?

CHRIS

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

CHRIS crouches over ROY's body.

CHARLOTTE

Be careful, Chris. It could be a trick.

CHRIS

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Roy Sweet is dead!

CHRIS

What?

CHRIS

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

CHARLOTTE claps her hands.

CHARLOTTE

So your spoons did save the day, after all.

JACK steps forward.

JACK

Is it true? Did you kill the stingy lion?

CHRIS

Jack how long have you been...?

JACK puts his arm around CHRIS.

JACK

Long enough.

CHRIS

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Roy Sweet.

JACK

Then the kittens are safe?

CHRIS

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

JACK

You are their hero.

The kittens bow to CHRIS.

CHRIS

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Roy Sweet will never squish kittens ever again, is enough for me.

JACK

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes CHRIS a magic talisman

JACK

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHRIS

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHRIS

Well, if you insist.

CHRIS takes the talisman.

CHRIS

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHRIS turns to JACK.

CHRIS

Does this mean you want me back?

JACK

Oh, Chris, of course I want you back!

CHRIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHRIS

Well you can't have me.

JACK

WHAT?

CHRIS

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

JACK

But...

CHRIS

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE grins.

JACK

But...

CHARLOTTE

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

JACK

Chris?

CHRIS

I'm sorry Jack, but I think you should skidaddle.

JACK leaves.

CHARLOTTE turns to CHRIS.

CHARLOTTE

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHRIS

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CHARLOTTE stops.

CHARLOTTE

When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?

THE END

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