Ep 2

...Cowardly Shark...

A Screenplay by me

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Patient shopkeeper DCI CHARLOTTE RAMSBOTTOM is arguing with brave fishmonger DCI MATT WILLIS. CHARLOTTE tries to hug MATT but he shakes her off.

CHARLOTTE

Please Matt, don't leave me.

MATT

I'm sorry Charlotte, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

CHARLOTTE

I am such a person!

MATT frowns.

MATT

I'm sorry, Charlotte. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MATT leaves.

CHARLOTTE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, gentle homemaker DI SONYA PARKES barges in looking flustered.

CHARLOTTE

Goodness, Sonya! Is everything okay?

SONYA

I'm afraid not.

CHARLOTTE

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

SONYA

It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark vandalise a bunch of kittens!

CHARLOTTE

Defenseless kittens?

SONYA

Yes, defenseless kittens!

CHARLOTTE

Bloomin' heck, Sonya! We've got to do something.

SONYA

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHARLOTTE

You can start by telling me where this happened.

SONYA

I was...

SONYA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

CHARLOTTE

Focus Sonya, focus! Where did it happen?

SONYA

A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!

CHARLOTTE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHARLOTTE rushes along the street, followed by SONYA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

HEATHER DOOP a cowardly shark terrorises two kittens.

CHARLOTTE, closely followed by SONYA, rushes towards HEATHER, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

SONYA

What is is? What's the matter?

CHARLOTTE

That's not just any old shark, that's Heather Doop!

SONYA

Who's Heather Doop?

CHARLOTTE

Who's Heather Doop? Who's Heather Doop? Only the most cowardly shark in the universe!

SONYA

Blinkin' knickers, Charlotte! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly shark in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

You can say that again.

SONYA

Blinkin' knickers, Charlotte! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cowardly shark in the universe!

CHARLOTTE

I'm going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.

Heather turns and sees Charlotte and Sonya. She grins an evil grin.

HEATHER

Charlotte Ramsbottom, we meet again.

SONYA

You've met?

CHARLOTTE

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHARLOTTE is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees HEATHER. She takes off her headphones.

HEATHER

Would you like some barley sugar?

CHARLOTTE's eyes light up, but then he studies HEATHER more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHARLOTTE

I don't know, you look kind of cowardly.

HEATHER

Me? No. I'm not cowardly. I'm the least cowardly shark in the world.

CHARLOTTE

Wait, you're a shark?

CHARLOTTE runs away, screaming.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

HEATHER

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

SONYA

(To CHARLOTTE) You ran away?

CHARLOTTE

(To SONYA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHARLOTTE turns to HEATHER.

CHARLOTTE

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHARLOTTE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CHARLOTTE

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with candlesticks.

HEATHER

I'm not scared of you.

CHARLOTTE

You should be.

EXT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY

CHARLOTTE and SONYA walk around searching for something.

CHARLOTTE

I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.

SONYA

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE

You know nothing Sonya Parkes.

SONYA

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, HEATHER appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.

HEATHER

Looking for something?

SONYA

Crikey, Charlotte, she's got your candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE

Tell me something I don't already know!

SONYA

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHARLOTTE

I know that already!

SONYA

I still wear nappies.

HEATHER

(appalled) Dude!

While HEATHER is looking at SONYA with disgust, CHARLOTTE lunges forward and grabs her deadly candlesticks. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHARLOTTE

Prepare to die, you cowardly aubergine!

HEATHER

No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of kittens!

MATT enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHARLOTTE

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Charlotte Ramsbottom defender of innocent kittens.

HEATHER

Don't hurt me! Please!

CHARLOTTE

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these candlesticks on you right away!

HEATHER

Because Charlotte, I am your mother.

CHARLOTTE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CHARLOTTE

No you're not!

HEATHER

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

HEATHER tries to grab the candlesticks but CHARLOTTE dodges out of the way.

CHARLOTTE

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, HEATHER slumps to the ground.

SONYA

Did she just faint?

CHARLOTTE

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.

CHARLOTTE crouches over HEATHER's body.

SONYA

Be careful, Charlotte. It could be a trick.

CHARLOTTE

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Heather Doop is dead!

CHARLOTTE

What?

CHARLOTTE

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

SONYA claps her hands.

SONYA

So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.

MATT steps forward.

MATT

Is it true? Did you kill the cowardly shark?

CHARLOTTE

Matt how long have you been...?

MATT puts his arm around CHARLOTTE.

MATT

Long enough.

CHARLOTTE

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Heather Doop.

MATT

Then the kittens are safe?

CHARLOTTE

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

MATT

You are their hero.

The kittens bow to CHARLOTTE.

CHARLOTTE

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Heather Doop will never vandalise kittens ever again, is enough for me.

MATT

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes CHARLOTTE a mystical necklace

MATT

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHARLOTTE

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHARLOTTE

Well, if you insist.

CHARLOTTE takes the necklace.

CHARLOTTE

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHARLOTTE turns to MATT.

CHARLOTTE

Does this mean you want me back?

MATT

Oh, Charlotte, of course I want you back!

CHARLOTTE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHARLOTTE

Well you can't have me.

MATT

WHAT?

CHARLOTTE

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MATT

But...

CHARLOTTE

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Sonya.

SONYA grins.

MATT

But...

SONYA

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MATT

Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE

I'm sorry Matt, but I think you should skidaddle.

MATT leaves.

SONYA turns to CHARLOTTE.

SONYA

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHARLOTTE

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly SONYA stops.

SONYA

When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the shark don't you?

THE END

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