Chapter 1 - Born anew

…as I was born anew.

Now my journey in life will restart itself, gradually erasing all the events and pains of the past. A new chance had unlocked itself in front of my very own eyes, leaving me in awe of the karma I was given.

Now all I had to do was acknowledge this chance and use it to my advantage to change the outcome of the heavenly judicial court. Therefore, desires to be fulfilled, opportunities to be used, whatever happens, I will seek Ciel and bring great fortune upon him.

I heaved a deep sigh mentally as I felt my body being lifted and carried away from my mother for examination.

After we had headed home, I had been quiet and calm the whole time, pretending to be an angelic child to ensure my parents would not dare hate me.

I vividly recall the disgusted face of my mother whenever I was screaming as a baby. My parents generally disliked me a lot as a child and never wasted any unnecessary attention or time on me - even the most minuscule interactions were too much of a waste to them. I was a general waste of space to them.

Normal parents call their children by sweet nicknames and would sacrifice everything to be there for their kids, yet mine, they never would have offered a penny for me - even a cent was worth more than me.

Growing up, I had always considered it the reality I was driven to endure and live in as ordinary, but now, that will surely change for the better.

...

As a newborn, I had nothing much to do or look out for, yet I made sure only to cry when it was ultimately 100% necessary - when I was starving, for example.

I was a quiet baby adored by all of my parents' weird pedophilic friends, which was disgusting if you ask me, yet I was in no position to complain.

...

One day in the park, when I was around three years old, I saw a kid scrap their knee, falling off the slide. I, who wasn't into playing there at all, used that opportunity to shine and raise my karma, so I walked up to that kid and started soothing him and bringing him to his worried parents. If it had been my old self, I would have probably laughed and not taken any action to help the boy.

His father gave me a pad on the shoulder, praising me for my calm demeanor and the aid his son received. I thanked him and returned to my former spot below a tree, enjoying the cool shadows below it - reading a poetry book.

Good poetry could make one's heart blossom. A poem holds more than most would think - fantasy and reality clash while one immerses in the beautiful lingering words of engulfment.

Others would entitle reading as tedious, especially considering my age, yet I had consistently grown fond of it.

Reading always calmed my mind and distracted me from the dangers, upcoming interactions, and events I profusely wanted to avoid.

The more knowledge I got acquainted with, the easier it would be to avoid certain situations. As a result, I dug deep into my studies and taught myself a lot - self-defense, financial knowledge, geography basics, and much more.

…

And like this, the first five years of my life flew by fast.

It felt like time was racing itself once again - it was a never-ending race of progress and failure, a fight never to be entitled to be won or lost.

I knew I'd soon get to see him again but this time, not as a naughty 5-year-old but as a well-behaved one.

In this life, I had never disobeyed my parents or acted mischievously the way I used to back in my first life. Although I changed a lot from back then, many accidents and mischief created by little devilish me never occurred, and I ensured myself of that.

Every single moment of my regressed life, I had been cautious about being a good person and only doing good deeds for the greater good. My diligence in all my actions saved me from much trouble and suffering.

Yet in order to meet him this time, I had to disobey my parents' orders - I needed to violate them and run away to meet Ciel.

"Ciel, oh, how I've missed you."

I mumbled to myself, expecting no one to hear or acknowledge me.

Since I was reincarnated into my own body and life, I have kept my memories to my previous attempt at living.

Yet, one question did not leave my mind. It bothered me a lot, though. No answer would be fitting enough to be helpful to ease my mind.

Could you have even called my former life living?

I was a bad guy. I remember that very well. I was a rude bully who picked on the weak to hide how powerless I felt inside. Constant pain and suffering were always caused by me. I never did anything good for anyone around me. I was always a burden. I always burdened those I loved. No matter who I cherished, I always ended up disappointing and hurting them. Even Ciel, I pushed him afar from my wall - a wall of escape, security, but also loneliness.

Behind that wall, I was constantly hiding. I always hid what I felt for him. I hid my true feelings by bullying him and abusing him. My wrong actions spoke louder than my scream for love - my desperate call for help and absolute security.

I was lonely and yearning eagerly, eager for love, yet scared to love and trust. I desperately hoped for Ciel to pull me out of the misery I put myself in, a terrible burden that no one could endure, an excruciating headache I caused him. My hope ran thin until I slowly lost it all.

I stared at the sky and wondered, searching for his lost soul, his former self. Wryly how I thought I could see him up there. He wasn't there. He would never be.

I longed to see him again, but I also dreaded looking at him, staring into his eyes, and seeing that unbearable animosity whenever he looked at me. That mere hatred of my every being, that hatred I caused myself.

The realization of what a terrible person I was, hit me harshly, wryly shocking me a bit. I knew I was undeniably lousy, but I didn't think of myself as that pivotally bad.

I don't know if I could ever make up for my former actions. Still, if I can, if this reincarnation of my own life gives me a chance, I hereby pledge to make up for all my previous mistakes and regrets and turn them into favorable memories for me and everyone around me. Then, I will prove to him, no, to myself, that I can be a good person.

I was so deep in my own thoughts that I did not notice a small smile and tears forming in my eyes. What a weakling I am, so pathetic…

'Being good until now, huh, Michael?'

What was that? That sounded like the gatekeeper's voice, but where was he? I looked around. The sudden swift movements made me quite giddy as I had stood still before.

'No need to look for me, I'm not present, and only you can hear me. It's your first time reincarnating, isn't it?'

'Umm, yes, it is, but… how can I hear you? This doesn't make any sense. Am only I able to hear you? Can other people around me hear you too? How does this-'

Being astonished by his sudden presence was an understatement of what I felt. Has he been there the whole time, or did he appear recently without my acknowledgment of his existence?

'Shut it. Too many questions at once, you're giving me a headache, you know?'

'Oh, sorry...Earlier, though, you gave me a heart attack. I thought you wanted to take me back and bring me straight to hell, you see?'

I said, still flabbergasted at his existing voice within my mind.

'So first of all, only you can hear me. Second of all, this is called telepathy, you dumbass.'

'Rude.'

'I can hear you, y'know?'

'Shoot. I nearly forgot that…but can you hear everything, I think? Like every single thought?'

'Yes, so stop obsessing over your "Ciel". I cannot hear your dirty *** thoughts anymore. It is driving me nuts!!!'

I blushed at his statement and cleared my throat, facing the ground in embarrassment. But, unfortunately, his overexaggerated tone did not help ease the heat that flushed into my face.

It was unbelievable to me that he heard me drool over Ciel and shower his name with love and affection all those years. The exposure of my thoughts to him was such a vast invasion of my privacy! Just thinking about the fact that he heard all my lewd thoughts…

How genuinely lovely of him to tell me now after five years. Couldn't he have told me this earlier?

'So, tell me, why do you plan on disobeying your parents?'

'Huh?'

'Earlier, you said something about disobeying them to meet Ciel for the first time.'

'Ah, yeah, I met Ciel by running away from my house after a big fight with my mom.'

'You were a naughty kid, ya know?'

'Yes, I know, but I tried my best to change and behave well in those five years. You have to be honest, though. I did successfully change my behavior to the opposite of how I used to act. So, I think it worked out quite well.'

'I have to agree. You did succeed in changing. Looking back at your old records, there is a remarkable difference in behavior and attitude.

He paused.

'This also caused your parents to treat you differently, didn't it?'

'Yes, you're right. My parents are pretty… nice? So yeah, you could call it friendly. Now that I'm starting to recall old memories of my former childhood. I do remember them being more abusive to me in many ways, especially in their punishments.'

'That's true.'

What? How does he know...?

'I always keep my eyes on all interesting beings as a gatekeeper, and since the day you were born, you have been very, very interesting and unique, in my opinion.'

I nearly forgot he could hear me as a chuckle escaped my mouth.

I slowly started remembering all these atrocious memories of my parents. Regret flooded my mind as I reeled from side to side gently.

In an attempt to forget as I aged, I repressed those memories. I suppressed them from ever coming to the surface.

Yet, only now did I come to realize how miserably I failed as they raced through my mind, burning traces into old, heavily scarred memories. The paths those memories left unboxed old traumas while cutting through my memory like a million sharp knives.

I felt my breath hitch as I tried to breathe in fervently. The air was suffocating me. No matter how much air I consumed in each breath, it felt like it wasn't enough. I felt like I couldn't breathe - like the air had no oxygen. Like everything necessary within the air was amiss.

My surroundings started to shift. They looked wonky as my vision started to blur. Finally, my recalled memories entirely covered my eye, showing me the punishments anew - leading me to relive the confrontation I dreaded.

...

The basement.

The bedroom.

"Mop the floor, useless ****."

...

Shut up. This is all in the past, nothing…no…this is in the present…a different present...

...

"Open your legs."

"No one will ever love you with that dirty filth you call your body."

"Don't expect love when you don't deserve it."

...

'HEY! CALM DOWN. TAKE DEEP, STEADY BREATHS!'

His shout brought me back to reality.

Only now did I realize how badly my whole body was trembling like an aspen leaf and how I was gasping for air. It felt so suffocating…I felt so smothered.

Everything around me felt so claustrophobic, like the walls - no, everything surrounding me is closing in, asphyxiating and crushing me slowly while I beg for forgiveness and help.

Why did I start panicking like this? When did I start crying?

I wondered as I felt hot tears run down my cheeks, falling to the ground, bound to shatter there. My tears shattered like my body did as I had ended my first attempt at life on the rooftop…on your birthday, Ciel…I couldn't heal the hole you left in my heart no matter how hard I tried…

Only when you lose someone you seem to realize how much you loved them - I only ever realized your worth after I lost you, Ciel.

'Are you okay, kid? Do you need anything?'

He sounded oddly concerned for me, not as cocky and annoyed as usual. Instead, he sounded rather caring, and…his voice sounded warm…which soothed me a little...

How pathetic…Even a servant of heaven, the gatekeeper stuck in between heaven and hell, felt pity for me. He pities me. He looks down at me…

'I'm alright…'

'Are you sure? You started trembling like ***. I thought you had a heart attack…I got a little worried for a minute.…'

His voice started to fade and quiet down at the end of his sentence. I smiled a bit through my tears as I began to reconstruct my posture that had broken down as these memories flooded my head.

I was sitting on the ground - knees bent to secure my head. I must've looked like a pathetic little piece of shit.

I took another deep breath, closing my eyes while facing up to the sky, letting the bright sun rays tickle my skin while blinding my already closed eyes. Ultimately, I sighed again and let the sun warm my shaken, grueling body.

'I'm sorry. I just got overwhelmed with the flashbacks that flooded my mind. I'm fine now.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am.'

'Okay, stay safe when meeting your little lover. I'll be going back to my duties now.'

'Okay. See you.'

I heard a chuckle before it became silent again. While heaving a sigh, I finally opened my eyes before jumping over the backyard fence, gently landing on my feet and rebalancing myself from the impact. As I climbed over it, I looked around again to orientate myself with my current surroundings. Although I don't wholly remember where I went that day, my memory was blurry because of how furious I was. That rollercoaster of emotion I went through resulted in mestomping away from my house and running in any direction, staring at the ground, and cursing at my mother's judgment and behavior.

Oh, how stupid little me was. But nevertheless, looking at it from a more mature perspective, it was somewhat funny, yet I was also gobsmacked because of my own stupidity. So I chuckled at my own memories as I followed the path going deep into the forest.

Although I didn't start running consciously, I could feel my pace speeding up, making me feel sure about my instinct - I was following the right way to see him again. The closer I got to the place where we met, the faster I ran. I was chasing my own past, trying to recite and rewrite it - a history I want to change, the past I want to forget.

"Hahahaha! This is so much fun!"

Ciel!

I started sprinting at my limit and ran as if my life had depended on it. His voice, it must be him. I would have bet my life on it!

"Sorry, Ciel, but we have to go back now."

"But-"

"No buts, we can come again tomorrow."

No! Please don't leave! I want to see you again. Just once, just one last time! Please, I'm begging you, please don't leave! Don't leave, Ciel!

"Ciel!"

I called out as I saw his beautiful blueish-black hair. It had a blueish tint when the sunlight had shone on it. Even now, in this state, he did look gorgeous!

I couldn't let him leave like that! No, not like this and not now!

Ciel turned around after hearing me shout his name, I was so far away, but he still heard me. He looked around with a confused expression as I listened to his dad say:

"Come on, Mommy's waiting for us."

"Okay, Daddy!"

Ciel answered, hopping after his dad, who took hold of his hand.

As they looked at the sunset one last time, his father gently led him away from the cliff.

I had to admit the sky did look mesmerizing. It had a purple base with many hot pink and red tints. The clouds were as white as snow but blended with the atmosphere, creating a perfect, charming gradient spectrum of colors.

But no matter how beautiful the sky looked, it couldn't compete with that look in your eyes, the look in your eyes the day the stars fell…

If I had just been faster, I wouldn't have missed him…

"****, ****, fuck…"

I cursed in frustration while hitting a tree on my left, staring at the ground with nothing but regret and anger at my own weakness.

'Are you alright, Michael?'

The gatekeeper's voice asked me.

'Great, now he's back.'

'Aye, I'm just trying to help you, you know?'

'Help me? How nice of you.'

I spat at him, rolling my eyes in frustration, still staring at the ground.

'Don't get sarcastic with me now, will ya?'

I clicked my tongue at him and looked at my hand, which was throbbing and stinging from hitting a mere tree.

Staring at the forming bruise on my hand knuckles, I gritted my teeth.

My body's the problem!

Now that I think about it, my previous body was way more substantial and more rigid! So a mere tree would have never stung that badly when I hit it!

That's it! I have to improve my physique! Not only my mind and behavior but also my body!

'Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?'

'Yes, I am fine. I also didn't hit my head, you dumb shit!'

'Who're you calling a dumb shit, you dumbass!'

'You obviously! Who else could I mean?'

'Hmpf!'

'A pout, seriously? It seems like you aren't as old as you try to behave. How childish.'

'When I died, I was 20. So I'm still older than you!'

'Now, this sounds really childish. It seems like you are mentally younger than me!'

'Excuse you, you rude brick!'

I couldn't help but smile and giggle to myself. It did feel good to talk to someone like him - just joking around does ease one's mind.

I heaved a sigh, rubbing my right thumb over my slightly swollen hand, and was about to take my leave when suddenly, a strong wind caught up to me. The wind got sucked in one particular spot that formed a black hole that started sucking all my surroundings, including me, into itself. It only caused a considerable breeze. It looked like a tornado but turned to the side like a horizontal tornado hole - it looked like a portal, a gate that drew me towards itself. What was that?

Suddenly, a massive ray of light came out of that hole. Its brightness easily blinded me. I held my arms up for protection, closed my eyes, and turned my head away from it. The light burned in my eyes and harshly blinded me. I didn't know what was happening, but that hole, it felt so mesmerizing…

I didn't know what came over me, but my body started moving closer to it. The closer I got, the more it began to suck me in.

Finally, my clothes started tearing and flaring from the intense suction within the hole.

Soon, I was standing there half-*****, my clothes hanging around my waist, dreading to get sucked into that hole and enter it - awaiting what would happen to me now that I stood on the edge of the cliff face to face with a heavenly phenomenon.

"Michael…"

Ciel? Ciel, is that you?

"Help me, Michael…"

He needs help? What is happening? Ciel? Ciel, where are you?

"I'm here, Michael, come to me…."

The voice coming out of the hole demanded. It was clearly Ciel's voice, but why was I scared to enter? What held me back?

Ciel, he was right in front of me! I want to see him. I want to keep him by my side and never let him go again.

Daring to sacrifice myself, my desiring urge to be close to him overwhelmed and numbed my senses as I reached out until my right hand touched the source of Ciel's voice. Still, as soon as I did, everything around me darkened, my surroundings vanished, and all that was left around me was nothing but darkness and emptiness.

It was silent, completely silent. Where was I? What has happened to me?

"Ciel, where are you?"

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