Rafael
I haven't seen Bernardo since the day we argued. I've been very busy working overtime and taking care of my mother. She's in the final stretch of her pregnancy, and guess what? Her idiot boyfriend ran away, simply disappeared as soon as he found out she was pregnant.
My mother has a high-risk pregnancy and her blood pressure is high, which is a red flag according to the doctors. She's 36 weeks along, eight months; my little brother Andre will be born soon.
I woke up in the morning as usual, went to the kitchen, and didn't find my mother. I went to the bedroom and saw that she was still lying down and didn't look very well. My intuition told me something was wrong.
I immediately called an ambulance and we rushed her to the hospital. It was a whole morning of waiting and suffering alone in the corridors of that hospital, staring at those white walls and praying with all my strength for both of them to be okay.
It all started to replay in slow motion; the doctor leaving the operating room looking tired and with a look of sorrow. He sat down next to me, held my hands, looked into my eyes, and said:
"Rafael, I need you to be strong, now you have a little brother who needs you more than ever! Although premature, he is healthy and recovering well. Unfortunately, your mother didn't make it; her blood pressure went up too high, she had a bleed that we couldn't contain. There was multiple organ failure and there was nothing I could do. I'm so sorry, son, I couldn't save your mother."
My world came crashing down on me; I lost half of myself, my best part! The part that made me good, the part of me that was worthwhile, my safe harbor, my direction, my north.
I just cried, cried, and screamed, sobbing and curling up trying to go inside myself to avoid experiencing that pain.
As if I were no longer inside my own body, I saw the people around me mobilizing, saying obvious things I didn't want to hear. They took me to a room, sedated me, and even then the pain was still there, and the tears still streamed down my face. I was lost, broken, feeling amputated, as if a part of me had been violently and without warning ripped away.
I don't know how long I stayed in that white-walled room, but as always, I had to pick myself up alone. I drew strength from where I didn't even imagine I had any.
Only one thing was going through my mind: Andre, my brother, couldn't suffer what I suffered and couldn't experience this pain, I wouldn't allow it! My goal now was to keep that child alive, healthy, and happy. I got off that gurney and went to the nursery, looked through the glass at my brother still in the incubator, and even from a distance, separated by that glass, I made the promise to dedicate my life to him. From now on, his happiness will be my happiness too, his pain will be my pain, his dreams will be my dreams, and we will be as one.
I left that place broken and tired, wanting someone to listen to me, to welcome me, to reassure me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I called Ben a few times, but he didn't answer. I looked on Instagram and saw that he was at a bar near the hospital where I was. I just wanted to find him, throw myself into his arms, and cry, hugging him, smelling him, being comforted by him.
I called an Uber and went there. When I got to the table, only Renan and Barbara were there. I ran into the other three leaving as I was arriving, but I didn't have time for explanations or polite greetings. I just wanted Ben! I just wanted to be in his arms.
"Renan, where's Ben? I really need to talk to him."
"Rafael, is everything okay? Are you okay? Do you want some water?"
"No, I just want to talk to Ben!"
I was already desperate with all those people around me, and no sign of Ben, no familiar faces, no one to comfort me.
Barbara was sitting at the table and got up with an indignant look and a sharp voice.
"What do you want with Ben? I thought he had already gotten rid of you. The way he was happier, more at ease, and lighter, I thought he had finally managed to get you off his back."
"Please, where is he?"
"Oh, I get it; he dumped you and you're all upset wanting to get back together. So, you put on this whole show? Fine, if Ben doesn't have the courage to get rid of you the right way, I do!"
"Get a grip, boy! You are poor, a favela rat, effeminate, and scandalous. You have nothing to do with Ben, who is rich, educated, straight, and heir to a great fortune."
"I'm tired of you, you vapid, bland blonde! I'm tired of your lack of education, of you humiliating me and making me your doormat. I'm warning you for the last time, stay away from me!"
I yelled and slammed my hands on the table, looking her straight in the eye. I saw a trace of fear, which soon turned into mockery, then in a very quick gesture she pulled the tablecloth a little, knocking many things to the floor and making a huge mess. As she was facing me, anyone coming from behind couldn't see what had happened. Suddenly she started saying things that didn't make sense.
"Please, Rafael, keep your voice down, don't embarrass me in front of people, I just wanted to help you! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you yelling like that? I just wanted to be your friend and help you!"
I stood there looking incredulous, still very angry but not understanding what that crazy woman was talking about. Out of nowhere, she walked around the table and ran into the arms of Ben, who I discovered was right behind me.
"Ben, please get me out of here, I'm mortified. I've never been so humiliated in my life! Everyone is looking at us, please get me out of here! This boy is crazy, I just wanted to help him and he started yelling that you were his and no one else's. He threatened to hit me and leave me bald! Ben, please, I'm very scared!"
"Rafael, are you crazy? I don't know where my head was at to get involved with someone like you. Every time we went out together, you embarrassed me. I tried so many times to help you become a better, more educated person, but I see it's worse than that; you're acting like a thug, threatening people, like a real favela rat. Yelling at a defenseless girl like that is really mean. Please, Rafael, go away!"
At that moment, Renan threatened to get up to defend me, but I raised my hands to keep him from saying anything. I looked into Bernardo's eyes one more time, the last time! I tried to memorize every feature of that face. As I looked, I tried to find that mysterious, kind, and loving boy I met at that bar that night. I think I fell in love with a Bernardo who only existed in my head. Had he always been so prejudiced? So easily influenced? So manipulable? So unfair?
But I don't have time for that! I don't have time to feel this pain that's tearing me up inside. I don't have time to experience the pain of injustice, ungratefulness, heartbreak. I feel so stupid, I was so dumb; I erased myself and did exactly what I swore I would never do again; I tried to change to fit into his standards, his life, his world! I tried to limit and prune myself, changed who I was to deserve to be by his side, and in the end, it was never enough.
For these people here, I will never be enough. So, I did the only thing I had left, gathered up the rest of my dignity, adjusted my posture, raised my chin in a gesture of pride, looked into his eyes, and said with much firmness in my voice,
"Farewell, Bernardo!"
Renan looked at me with pity in his eyes, but his pity didn't bother me. Renan is a pure soul who gave me tranquility, and that's what I needed right now. The physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion was wearing me down. My legs went weak and everything around me seemed to be spinning. When I thought I was going to fall and go through another humiliation, I felt Renan's arms holding me gently; he looked at me and smiled, trying to convey confidence.
"Please get me out of here."
He didn't say anything, just nodded, held my waist firmly, helped me to stand as upright as possible, and walked with me away from that place. All the way, he remained silent, respecting my pain. When we got into the car, he said:
"I'll take you home."
"Take me to the hospital."
"Rafael, you're unwell. What's wrong? Tell me so I can help you!"
"My mother is there, she was pregnant, but she got sick, she died during childbirth. My little brother is fine, but she died, and I need to arrange everything for her funeral."
I know what happened next may sound dramatic and even cliche, but it was the absolute truth.
"In the end, Renan, she was the only person who truly loved me."
Renan insisted on staying with me and helping me take care of the funeral, but he has the look of someone who knows nothing about burying someone, and I don't want to need his help either, and I don't want to owe anything to him or anyone who has any kind of contact with Bernardo.
I had no idea how to do this, didn't even know where to start, and didn't have a penny to my name. So, I did the last thing I ever thought I'd do: I called the last person I wanted to ask for a favor. Lipe, the Kingpin.
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