EP4 ALL EYES ON ME

How do you feel when they all look at you.

When you make a mistake, everyone is looking at you...Then you say it in your mind.

"I made a mistake , bit it doesn't mean i wanted it , i made a mistake because we all make mistakes , if you think that i know that i will make mistakes , will i still do it."

I didn't do anything but accept everything that was told to me , because if i made a mistake, will i avoid it? of course not...

even if i want not to make a mistakes if i can't do anything about it , it will still happen to me.

while i was walking home i heard what said to me.

"Why is he always wrong?...Seems like she's not learning anything , she's trying you on purpose"

I bet they don't know i'm just behind them.

when they find out that they made a mistake in what they said , because they won't say it if they see me, they won't be able to say something that hurts me , because who could do that...but they made a mistake , can say it and let me hear it.

While i'm standing infront of my classmate i can feel how they look at me.

You feel more alone , and you feel nervousness and fear as you slowly sit in your chair.

No one is talking to you , no one will say ' It's okay , don't think about it ' ....but no one will do that.

when you are already seated , you think what they will tell you will end , what you don't know is that they will talk about you more especially if you can't hear what they are saying.

I feel like i'm always like this , almost nothing has changed , why do i have to experience this.

What i just want is not to look at me because it has a different effect on me , even thought it's just fussy to others but for me i feel that's why i don't want someone to look at me whenever i make mistakes , i feel that it always happens to me , is it supposed to be i'll get used to not always being able to answer anything...'

whenever i go home , i immediately think of what might happen to me tomorrow , will there be a change that will happen to me.

That even inside the house , no one ask ' how was my day at school..." , how hard my whole day was for me.

sometimes when i go home , i will be scolded for a small mistake that i did , i will be shouted at and hurtful words will be spoken.

as i say in my mind.

"I'm tired from school , i'm tired of the words being told me , I'm sick of the things i don't understand , i'm so tired....But i'm here again listening to things i didn't know i did wrong"

I accept my mistakes, i accept everything that was said to me , i accept what was done to me , i will accept everything because i think all the mistakes in this world are mine"

How can I accept all the painful words that are said to me , that why can't I talk or even defend myself.

Because I'm used to hearing everything that is said to me , if i know it's my mistake , if it's my fault , no one can blame it , i will accept it , if i know what's wrong with me , why should i defend myself as if i proved it and i want to make mistakes. listening to the hurtful words is better and it will be finished immediately if you accept it.

For me being told my mistake is better because i know what to do next if i find myself in this situation.

I more afraid if i won't make a mistake , because even if you don't do it , if it happens to you , you will still make a mistake.

we don't hold everything that happens to us , just like it's my time , no matter what i do to prevent it....I know i can't help it anymore , and in the end i have no choice but to accept it.

Maybe the tiredness that i received in the first life that was given to me is too much , because if you have already done all the things that you wanted to do in your first life...First life would be enough.

For me even if my happiness was just a few , i would rather choose a freedom and happy life , where i won't wish to live again in the next life.

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