01

I was being pushed into a corner where no one would even consider going. But it wasn’t a corner which was possible to be felt physical. It was a mental thing. 

If you stood next to me, seeing my physical appearance, you wouldn’t even consider my situation being something this nerve wracking and destroying me from the inside, slow but steady. I looked normal. That was the point which bothered me and is still bothering me the most. 

Maybe someone could have helped me. Earlier. When it would have been possible to consider taking therapy. When I was still somewhat stable. 

No one noticed me miserably dying from the inside. Not until it was too late and I called for help by myself. And even afterwards no one would care whether I actually was doing ok. They just took it as given that after three years of mental hospital I wouldn’t have a backflash. But a matter of fact was that leaving me alone did my mental illness not the less. 

I have had some backflashs. Could I control them? Not let them take over my whole being?

The answer to those questions is yes. I had to pay for it. With many scars decorating my body.

Due to my knowledge about the absence of support from my family I applied for early inheritance and packed my things. I left. 

I started a new life. My backflashs did hinder me in the first years but I learned working with them. I worked hard on getting rid of them. But later on I understood that they won’t go away if I don’t know the trauma behind them. Since I was aware of this I wasn’t fighting against the attacks anymore. I used them. For inspiration. For work. For being free. I drew. And it helped. It helped getting a clearer picture of what eventually was the real trouble inside me pushing me into these depths from time to time.

I couldn’t defeat the trauma to its fulliest but I got a hold of it and am able to deal with it. I didn’t go through this on my own. I think I wouldn’t have been able to conquer this trauma without these two. My help and support throughout the time was my soulmate, that’s at least what we’ve been since we found each other drunk at some club, and my current husband. They did me great and they wouldn’t and didn’t want to leave my side.

I never received anything from my “family”. I mean they aren’t my real family anymore, only some blood related persons I don’t have any emotional binding to, I guess never really had or at least it vanished pretty fast over the years.

Right now I am happy with what I have. My small Art and Flowers shop, my soulmate and my husband. Maybe there will be more in the future. But you never know.

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