Suffocating

The doors swung open and the heated air of the stuffy, closed in, yet majestically large ballroom, rushed me with such force I winced. The deafening sound of pretentious laughter wafted throughout our ballroom and was only rivaled by the musicians playing in the corner. I knew better than to allow my face to show my displeasure and loathing. Instead, I smiled the face I was made to practice many times daily by my stewardess. “Always have a smile,” she would drill, “Never underestimate the power of being able to smile.” As a child I often wondered what situation could I possibly be in that would force me to smile when I didn’t feel the need to. With a painful twist in my stomach I knew very well how many situations one could be ****** into and have to smile through.

Moving forward through the doors I made a list of everything I needed to accomplish throughout the evening, never slouch, never let my shoes make a sound while walking, glide, never make an un-lady like noise, ect. As I walked forward with my sisters and mother I felt my heart sink further and further down until it felt non-existent. The numbness I felt, I was well accustomed to, and wore over myself like armor.

“Now girls remember only the best.” My mother mumbled into my sister’s ears as she moved in between them looping her jeweled arms through each of theirs. I glanced ahead of them to see Levon, son of Lord Davier, and Prince Arvin moving towards us. I frowned inwardly but went into a deep curtsy along with my mother and sisters. Rising slowly I raised my eyes to already see my elder sister Arianna on Prince Arvin’s arm. Arianna had her bejeweled arm wrapped possessively through Arvin’s as she smiled her most beguiling smile she had up her sleeve. He looked appreciatively at her face but his admiration was skin deep never further, and for that I did not envy my sisters for I truly think the only thought that consumed their head was making a good match and pleasing mother.

For all reservations they made a considerable couple that is if you were to simply watch and not listen, Arianna was flawlessly pale with ivory eyes that stood out and popped against her matching gown that was ordained with silver and jewels. Her hair was as tall as her maid could possibly get it making it rise well above her head. Her frame was considered perfect for the ball gowns in style, her high cheek bones gleamed a rosy pink from the heat of the room and from her pinching them almost all evening. Her nose straight and long like mothers, in every aspect she was considered beautiful.

Arvin’s body reminded me of a willow branch, thin and deathly pale he had hair that was the color of dry cracked dirt that hadn’t seen water for years with eyes to match. His lips were thin and slightly compared to Arianna’s full ones, but as far as lack of personality that is where they were equally matched and perhaps that would be enough. He had practically all but asked out right for her hand in marriage, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t be long before he did.

I felt Ellen’s glare bare into Levon’s direction, the displeasure on her round face she did little to try and hide and it took all my strength not to laugh. But yet a small traitorous giggle escaped my lips and my mother’s head instantly snapped back to shoot me her heart stopping glare of hatred. I felt my face flame and my head duck down in a fake shame. I would never regret laughing in that small moment of rebellion, it almost felt liberating. 

“Sir Arvin, have you come to ask me to dance?” My Sister purred moving her fingertips across his arm.

His pale face became red as a tomato and he ducked his head down as he looked at her. As he began pulling her towards the dance floor I heard him say, “Of course darling.” And with that they were out of ear shot and range of my interest.

I glanced back to Ellen as she politely curtsied and ducked in the opposite direction to where a table full of girls and boys her own age played chess and cards. Her Light blond curls bounced and jumped with each step. Hey navy eyes rolled into the back of her arrogant sixteen year old head as soon as her back was to him. As she hurried away her dark pink dress twirled and swayed to one side as she walked. Like a clueless buffoon he followed after her with star struck fascination that could only be born of young ignorant love.

My mother turned to me a look of disdain she did little to hide claimed her porcelain face making me lower my eyes to the floor.  I felt her claw hand loop through my arms as she smiled and held her head high leading me over to a vacant wall by a vacant balcony across the room. As she led me to my verbal lashing her finger nails dug through the fabric of my sleeve and into my arm. Biting my lip I walked faster to keep up with her and perhaps make her loosen her grip. But there was no relief as she weaved in and out of the crowd. Many fine ladies of all stations filled this ballroom with their younger sons and their daughters; many glanced towards us but most made no eye contact and continued on with their conversation as if we had not passed at all. Once out of ear shot of everyone she released her death like grip on my arm. I let it fall limply to my side trying to resist the urge to rub my arm. I could feel the old familiar bruising on my arm. It ached even just barley brushing my sided, yet I would not let my mother see she caused me any pain. Instead I tilted my chin up and folded my arms in an act of rebellion and indifference.

“Have I done something wrong mother?” I asked tilting my head to the side in mock innocence.

“You dense, self sabotaging, little cur.” She ground out through her smiling teeth, always a show never removing her mask. I had to fight against my biased instincts to not roll my eyes at the speech I knew was coming. “Do you even begin to understand the damage you do with your little charades you pull? The talk and gossip you start?”  She quickly reached up her sleeve and pulled out a fan. She then flattened against the wall and began dramatically fanning herself as she draped herself against the wall. “The damage you cause my reputation and your fathers?”

 I glanced around us and saw a few curious stares and felt my cheeks flame red, turning back to her I frowned and bit back every retort that came bursting just waiting to be said instead I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I am so sorry mother that something I have done has caused you destress, please name the offence so that I can correct my course of action this very night and bring you peace.” I said with a sickly sweet smile.

She scoffed and snapped her fan closed. “Don’t mock me girl,” She said stepping away from the wall slipping the fan back up her sleeve. Her posture became calm and deadly and it was at that point I knew what dagger she was pulling out of her sheath. “Listen my darling daughter and listen close, not even your father’s money, or power can help you gain my love child. You disappoint me in every possible way from your hair to your drawl personality, I cannot fathom how such a child could possibly be my daughter.” She sighed as if a carriage was placed on her shoulders, and she was being made to carry it down a road for miles. And that is what I felt like, a burden, a thing to be pawned off to one person or another, only to be kept around out of principle but never out of love. “But the Lord gave you too me as a trail I must bear and somehow improve, and child, for him and your dear Father, I will not rest until you are properly paired and married off.”

I had heard these word many times and had long learned that responding in any other way other than “I am sorry Mother.” Would lead to one of her “fits” and so I felt my lips move and the vibration in my throat as I said the words once again but I did not hear them. I was well beyond the point of hope that my mother could ever come to love me but deep down somewhere in the deep reassess of my heart all I wanted was to hear her just say the words I love you. But I was no fool and I knew only a fool begs for affection from someone not cable of it. 

My mother walked past me and over her shoulder tossed the words, “Don’t look so stricken dear the night has just begun and many young heirs will be arriving soon.”

 I watched her cross the room and be folded into a group of queens and ladies of the many courts immediately talking and coming to life she lost ten years. Her countenance brightened, her round face became bright and happy her blond curls bounced as she placed a hand over her heart giving a hearty laugh. Her red gown wrapped tightly around her figure to only flared out at the hip in the most exasperated fashion. Gold flecked through her gown.  Gold bracelets and jewels ordained her throat and neck. To all she was absolutely beautiful just like my sisters. But makeup and power could only hide who a person is for a short while eventually their mask would slip and the act would be over.

I stared at the floor and glanced around me, I was alone; my father was meeting with the other kings and their heirs and wouldn’t be joining us until later tonight. My family was broken apart all across the ball room and as usual I sat here alone unsure of what to do. The slight breeze of welcoming fresh air brushed across the back of my neck. Turning I saw the low light further down the wall where two grand doors remained parted open and welcoming. I felt the urge to run before my feet even began moving and I found myself peer around the corner or the door. The pillars that held up the baluster gleamed in the low fire light from the few candles that were lit. The moon floated just ahead gleaming bright and tranquil in the jeweled night sky. The air crisp and clear the music and noise of the ball faded to a non-important distant noise in the back of my mind.

Walking past the doors I found myself leaning down on the baluster on my elbows. I closed my eyes and let the cool air wash over me. I sighed and relaxed feeling my heart slow and the ache behind my eyes dissipate. Somewhere far below a quiet cricket chirped and birds flew by flapping their wings somewhere in the dark below. I breathed in the night clear crisp air and felt alive once again.

The sound of a throat clearing made me jump and spin around. There in the entrance stood the most devastatingly handsome man I had ever seen. Strong yet lean he

looked like a knight but yet he looked no older than me, not my father’s age like the ones we had back home, he wore a suit fitted so perfectly it looked like it was made for him. His raven hair was brushed back and went just below his chin. His strong mouth quirked in a way that looked serious yet with a hint of amusement. But his eyes are what made my stomach lurch and my heart pound; his eyes were even bluer than paintings I had seen of the Caribbean Sea, swirling with depts,  I couldn’t fathom and if I let myself I would lose myself in. A smile spread across his ruggedly handsome face as he bowed low.

Regaining my senses I dropped into a low curtsy and could feel my blush go to the tips of my ears.

“I am sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” He said in a deep yet calming voice.

I glanced to the floor, I was never short of words, in fact I prided myself on my cunning replies that I had no shortage off but yet I was at a loss. Where was my common sense? I rose up from my curtsy and made eye contact with him. We locked eyes for a moment and for a moment I couldn’t look away. The claps from in the ballroom brought me back. I was alone, with a man, and no chaperone, the shame would perhaps be what finally did my mother in, and for a brief evil moment I wondered if it would really be so bad.

I began walking towards the entrance back into the ballroom, “There Is nothing to apologize for Sir I simply needed some fresh air,’ I paused because as I began to pass him he tilted his head and looked at me with a look of  that I couldn’t quite determine the meaning of. “I feel much better now so I suppose I will go join back in with the others.” I turned reluctantly away and continued walking past feeling grateful for each step putting distance between us.

“What is you name if I may ask?”

I glanced back pausing at the entryway which was a mistake that I could and would not repeat. With the candle light against his eyes the flame seemed to dance and flicker in the refection of his eyes and my heart leap. “My name is Evelyn Evangeline Forsagion of Kingdom Lexon.”

He smiled and bowed low once again but his eyes remained locked to mine, “A pleasure my lady.”

I paused and watched him as he slowly stood back up to his full impressive height, clearing my throat, and glancing at my feet. The sheer awkwardness of this moment was maddening. “Are you going to tell me your name?” I asked looking at him from under my lashes.

 He walked to the end of the baluster and laughed leaning against it he faced me. “My name is Darrius.”

I raised an eyebrow waiting for the rest but he just stared back with his intense stare giving no hint he intended to tell me his full name. A Prince always flaunted their titles, so perhaps he was the son of a lowly duke ashamed of his title. He sure didn’t act timid or misplaced. His air was confident, sure, in control, almost as if he owned the castle itself. Perhaps he is so important it’s obvious who he is. He leaned against the baluster and relaxed but his stare was anything but, if anything his eyes were challenging me. Well he would learn I don’t play games and I would not be caught in his trap. “Well good day Sir.” I said turning on my heel. And once again attempting to escape.

“Leaving so soon? Is it in part because I wouldn’t adhere?”

I frowned and turned, “No, I just would just like to go back inside.”

He raised an eyebrow and scoffed, “Anyone who saw you in there could see the misery you felt being here.” He paused and continued, “You reminded me of a cornered lion among mice.” He stood and his amused smile was gone but his stare remained prodding, searching. “Do you know how sad it is to watch a rat corner a lion?”

I stared at him part in disbelief at how bold he was being and also because he apparently had been watching my every move. My blush crept back at the thought that he might have overheard my mother’s criticism. Embarrassment flooded through me, what must he think of me? “I should go back inside.” I mumbled turning back towards the doors. Before I took a step he crossed the balcony in a few long strides and placed his hand on my arm. The bruise acted sharply making me take a sharp intake of breath. The noise and my reaction caught him off guard and a general look of alarm traced through his eyes, and he immediately released my arm.

“What is it?” he said stepping closer.

The look of alarm on his face made me immediately want to put him at ease. “It’s nothing.” I said lamely, “I hurt my arm earlier and it has yet to heal,” I glanced into his eyes and I could see traces of guilt. “Please don’t feel bad, you could not have known.” I said gently.

His expressive eyes went to my arm and his face hardened, “Tell me, how one injures this part of their arm?” He said taking my hand gently and pulling the fabric at my elbow up slightly with his other hand. So many thought raced through my head in moments it was hard to catch one and fully consider a course of action or response to his touch, and also to the improper and outrageous behavior he was exhibiting.

All thoughts and my heart stopped when he blew air through his teeth making a hiss like sound. My eyes glanced to my arm to see four purple oval bruises the size of finger prints and with crescent like bruises above them that looked like finger nails. The purple and bruised flesh seemed swollen and damaged. I glanced up to see a fire glow in his eyes he looked like he was losing control his face communicated many mixed signals but the most prominent was anger. Taking his thumb he lightly ran it across the bruises in a manner that I almost thought I had imagined his touch.

Looking at me with his steel like stare his face became emotionless like a blank canvas. But his voice was low and communicated barley leashed anger. “Who did this to you?”

I quickly looked away embarrassed because it was my mother and embarrassed by him seeing the marks at all. I cleared my throat, “You talk as though we are close friends, but how can I be friends with someone with no name?” I said moving away trying to steer the conversation back to him.

He frowned and let my arm drop to my side, “That is a low move Miss Eve.”

I tried to restrain a smile the tension of the moment disappeared like smoke and felt like it had never been there in the first place. Light hearted banter I could do, “As is refusing to give your full name Sir. And also by calling me by only a shortened version of my name” I tilted my chin up slightly and continued, “You are highly improper.”

He threw his head back and gave a roar like laugh and looked back at me. His eyes crinkled with delight and amusement and like a flash his expression changed and became one of barley masked amusement. Ever so gently he grabbed my hand and turned it over bowing his head he placed his lips on my wrist, he lowered his eyes as his breath brushed my skin making it hard to breath, his mumble was barely audible but loud enough to catch. “Not all the time,” He raised his eyes to mine and smiled his lips barley hovering above my wrist, “Just with you it seems.”

A brief moment of uncertainty swept through me just enough to help nudge me back to reality. Pulling my hand from his grip I turned towards the doors in another futile attempt to escape his smoldering eyes. “Good day Sir.”

“I call the next dance my lady, don’t forget!” He called as I brushed past the open French doors back into suffocation.

I didn’t dare glance back for fear that I wouldn’t leave if I did, his eyes were far too distracting and far too perceptive. I glided into the room and spotted my mother standing with her exclusive and powerful friends a few feet away from where she had made her threats earlier. I felt my cheeks burn as I remembered Darrius’s eyes when he saw the bruises. The concern, anger, and something else that I couldn’t quite determine flashed across his eyes making them all the more entrancing. I glanced behind me to see his imposing shape leaning against the door frame of the French doors to the balcony. My heart skipped a beat as I met his eyes, they glanced from me and over to my mother. He raised an eyebrow and one corner of his lips raised to give him a devious a smirk making him all the more attractive. He watched me as if I was something exotic and was about to do something interesting, but I wasn’t. I glanced at him once more before turning on my heels.

I walked across the room towards my mother as she was surrounded by dozens of fine and sophisticated ladies. Her disapproving glare met my eyes briefly before her carefully painted mask covered any discomfort she felt. Sliding a smile across my face that matched my mothers in every respect. As I approached the women ordained from head to toe in vast and excessive shows of their money and power they glanced down their nose at me. I met each of their eyes and almost laughed. No amount of money would ever make me wish to be in their inner circle, knowing my mother was accepted and idolized was all I needed to know about their little group. Their talk died down as I approached, for most it would make them feel intimidated but for me it made me feel empowered. They would be listening and their curiosity would make them pay attention. Coming face to face with my mother after an emotion lashing was child’s play for me. My mother wanted a clown and a painted porcelain doll she could control and flaunt at her friends. And she received her wish with both of my sisters, but not with me. No amount of bruises would make me a puppet.

Squaring my shoulders and standing next to her she glanced at me and it was through these few bold moves I would see my mother unsure and perhaps nervous.

“Evelyn? Is everything alright dear? Are you ill?” she asked placing her claw like hand on my shoulder in mock motherly concern.

I looked at her and smiled turning my head to address her group, “No mother I sadly cannot seem to conjure up the energy to snatch up a husband my father’s age. I am sorry I cannot please you.” I looked at her with my head cast downward and my eyes glancing at her from under my eyelashes. I heard the mumbles that sounded far too meek to slide out of one of these imposing women’s throats. My mother looked shocked and for once seemed to have no words. I glanced at each of these women knowing that by their silence no one knew how to respond. How these great women operated was no secret. But yet they couldn’t hear their actions spoken out loud. Was it because they felt guilty for training their daughters to snatch husbands who are twice their age? No, I don’t think they regret it, but having it spoken out loud does make them uncomfortable… how backwards.

Queen Essandra seemed to regain a level of composure and looked at me in a way that made me feel like I but a small child needing to be pushed into my place. “You seemed to be enjoying acquainting yourself with prince Darrius.” I felt like a fist had hit me square in the stomach and it became hard to breath. Prince? I felt my cheeks burn and I cursed my complexion for its easily showed emotion.

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***