Chapter 1: Orphan Girl

“You’ll be okay TiTi, because you’re the prettiest in the village.”

At first, it seemed like a superficial thing, something to brush off with a smile. But as I grew older, I began to understand what he was saying, was that I was enough. I had something within me that made me worthy, that I could stand tall no matter what difficulty I faced. Those spoken words were embedded deep within me and became my shield against the harsh realities of life. They gave me the courage to face obstacles, to hold my head high when others tried to bring me low, to believe in myself even when the world seemed determined to make me doubt.

They were more than just a father’s proud boast but a lifeline, a reminder that I had a place in this world, that I had value. They were the foundation upon which I built my resilience, the quiet strength that allowed me to survive. Even when things got tough and seemed impossible, when disappointment and heartbreak threatened to crush me. I could always remember that, in his eyes, I was enough, and that gave me the strength to keep fighting.

"You look just like your mother."

Those who knew Paulette would say, whenever they saw me. She was the embodiment of elegance and grace. They would recount tales of her sharp chestnut eyes that could pierce through any pretense and yet soften with a smile that radiated warmth and kindness. We were both tall, slim, curvy, and busty. Was it what they meant? I knew nothing more beyond the stories told by strangers and the rumors that surfaced after Jonas’s passing that she had taken her own life. I only wished she had lived long enough for me to have known her.

My fingers trace the lines of my own face, comparing them to her old photographs that Jonas kept tucked away in his wallet. The arch of my brows, the curve of my lips, trying to find the similarities that others seemed to see so clearly. My smile, though warm, didn’t quite carry the same grace. I felt a mix of sadness and acceptance, realizing that no matter what I can never quite see the resemblance. Sometimes, I wonder if the woman they described was nothing more than a beautiful myth.

I learned long ago that you cannot truly long for something you never had. In the absence of a mother, I had been influenced by many women throughout my life. In many ways those women had influenced me, each leaving their mark in different ways. Some were fleeting presences, offering wisdom in passing, while others lingered longer, becoming steady fixtures in my life. But it wouldn't be until I was eighteen that I'd meet the one who would truly try to be a mother to me: Victoria. She would understand my emptiness because she had grown up with the same hollow space where a mother should have been.

In retrospect, Paulette's death was shrouded in a silence so deep it felt like a forbidden secret. Even Jonas, my father, could never bring himself to discuss it. I was too young then to press for details, and he believed it was unnecessary to burden me with them. He would simply assure me, his voice firm yet gentle, that Paulette had loved me beyond measure.

Holding that certainty in my heart, I walked through life with a newfound pride. I carried not just the echo of my mother's face, but the very essence of her spirit. Standing before the mirror, I finally saw it. I saw not just my own reflection, but a living legacy of strength. I saw the unbreakable thread of love connecting me to all the women. Paulette, Victoria, and others who had, in their own ways, woven the tapestry of my life, bringing me to this moment at the age of thirty.

I cannot reminisce on the years past simply because of all the hardship I had to endure. As a child, I was picked on a lot because of my hair that was long and often kept in the braids, or buns that were easiest to manage. At least, I thought that was the reason, until the moment my hair was wrapped in someone's fist, being pulled while they cursed me, completely unprovoked.

I remember one incident vividly. I was sitting in front of a classmate during a school dance. Jonas had asked our neighbor, Adeline, to fix my hair, so there was absolutely no reason for it to annoy anyone. Ellie and I were friends, I thought. But out of nowhere, her fingers were in my hair, pulling sharply, and she was calling on the others to join in. Ever since that day, making friends has not been easy. I have kept myself distant and alone for years.

I was teased just as much for my straight nose, bright eyes, and long lashes. Since I didn't look like the other neighborhood children, I became a target for kids and parents alike. My young life became unbearable, forcing Jonas to make a final decision: he pulled me out of school and arranged for Celia to be my teacher in her spare time. It was his way of protecting me from the constant, harsh treatment of the neighborhood kids.

My world didn't just feel empty after Jonas was gone; it felt hollowed out. His passing carved a deep silence within me, that my own loneliness became a physical presence. I made a choice: the only way to survive was to rely on no one but myself. I wore my solitude like a suit of armor, and I told myself, over and over, that there was a fierce, unbreakable strength in needing no one. People would sometimes say my courage was like a 'soaring kite.' I'd just nod, but inside I thought, A kite is held by a string. My string was cut, and I was just drifting.

My name is Saintilia but everyone calls me TiTi. It's a nick name that carried warmth and familiarity, the sound of a simpler time when life was predictable. But the woman trapped in this room feels a world away from the girl named Saintilia. My hips ache from the lack of movement, even though I am permitted to walk the five steps to the lounge chair or stand by the window. Those few steps are the rigid boundary of my universe.

The woman I am today was forged in the fire, shaped by countless battles I never asked to fight. The path to motherhood has been an arduous pilgrimage, paved with years of disappointment, deception, and a deep, resonant heartbreak. I learned long ago that to survive, I had to tuck the misery deep inside my consciousness, where it couldn't shatter my focus. Now, in this enforced stillness, enduring a new kind of confinement, I realize that old, hardened strength is the only thing keeping me sane.

I am Seven months pregnant. A complicated uncertain journey, has led me to this complete, suffocating stop. Yet with every flutter, every heartbeat, I've marveled at the miracle unfolding inside of me. The promise of a new beginning. This baby is the final destination. I will not lose sight of it now, not after everything I've survived to reach this moment.

***************

Sitting on the bench in front of my mirror. I took a moment to truly see myself, the small lines around my eyes, each one a memory. Some were from tears, others from lessons I'd never forget. Together, they were proof of my journey, the price of every hard-won piece of wisdom. And honestly? Looking at that woman, I felt nothing but readiness. My heart was full of a quiet, buzzing excitement for whatever was going to happen next.

I was captivated by the depth of my own eyes. In them, I could see it. A glimmer of vulnerability, right there tangled up with a newfound strength. It was proof I was more resilient than I'd ever given myself credit for. Growing up, people always told me how pretty I was. But as a kid, I never really knew what that meant. It was just a word people used. My fingers lifted to lightly brush a strand of my black hair, and the memory surfaced instantly: my father, his big hands fumbling, trying to braid my hair for school. The thought made me smile.

My life, like anyone's, has been a mix of challenges and simple joys. I've learned to embrace them both. They aren't just random events; they're the very threads that have woven the story of my life.

Looking intensely in the mirror, inspecting the silhouette of my face; I understood why having a face like mine was considered pretty. the ambitions and aspirations that once seemed so far away, and yet, here I was, having lived through so much. Life had taken me on unexpected detours, and I had learned to navigate through them with grace and determination.

As I stood there looking at my features, a storm of thoughts swirled in my mind and made me wonder what it would have been like to have Paulette around. And the feeling of having a mother growing up, would certainly have lessened my suffering during my younger years. At that moment, well on my way to become a mother myself, I really wished I knew more About her.

My Father Jonas used to always say that people were just jealous, because his baby girl was the prettiest in the entire village. Thinking back of what he said, perhaps there was some truth to his sentiment. And made me realize those words were embedded deep in me, And they had given me the confidence to stand back up every single time I was knocked down.

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