CHAPTER 1

Love? Love is a good expression to everyone but to me it’s nothing but pain. An unbearable pain.

At one time, I also fell in love, but not to a person, to the feeling of falling in love. But unfortunately, that was the last

time I fell in love or ever used the feeling of love in my life.

Now you might be wondering why, what happened to me to express the love in this way?

Nothing much, just a betrayal, from my loved ones.

Will I be ever fall in love?

My answer will be “I don’t know”.

I also want to fall in love…again. I also want to feel the fluttering feeling when someone hold my hand and kiss my cheek. I also want to feel the love that everyone talks about in every friend gathering.

I also again want to fall in love with the feeling of being in love.

These were my words that I want to tell the interviewer but as always I swallowed it. My work is to never say anything unique to anyone. I always have to act like as a typical, normal girl with no history of pain when I’m not.

 “I don’t have time for that. If I ever fall in love, the fans would be the first one who would know this” I answered giving the same typical TV professional smile when I’m sad inside. I learned at very young age to be strong, even if I have pretended it.

I always need to look strong. I can’t and don’t even want to show my sadness to someone else. I learned to be strong to survive and to protect myself from the world.

A child will never learn to stand by themselves if their parent reaches them when they fall. The child will always cry to get their parents help and never learn to stand by themselves, be strong for themselves.

At first, I thought that something was wrong with me. I even visited a psychiatrist but she told me that it is normal to not open up to your close ones. One will feel that they didn’t live up to their expectations.

But isn’t it very funny? We can always tell our painful past to any stranger but can’t able to say a single word to our loved ones. Why we feel light when we tell our problem to stranger in social media and even in personal but even say a single word in front of our loved ones?

My life has been like this. Always hiding my problems and sadness from other. I can’t bear to show my weakness to other even if they are someone I love.

I always thought about this a numerous times in my mind, why I can’t share my problems to my loved ones?

I feel like they will leave me when I show the side that don’t want from me.

I don’t know how to love, because I never received or learned it from someone.

But can’t find the answer. Someone said to me, we don’t want the other person to worry about us. But when we started to care for each other, didn’t we decide to share every pain, happiness and worries. Then why?

I still look for that answer.

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