Death Options

"I want to die"

The thought of dying made me feel happy.

These words stuck to my head since I'm young. Death is the only way for me to end the pain that I've been feeling. However, is there such a painless death?

I want, no I.. really really want to die.

"I need to find a way to die but painlessly! " I said that with a burning eyes.

Suicide? Like hanging myself? I've try that but it's hurt like hell.

Hell no!! Hanging is out of the option. Then what about eating poisons? Ahh shit, I just remember my young self eating an poisons with a hope to die, sadly it the poisons was expired.. **** I dont really want to remember those embarrassing past.

It didnt really effect me in anything, instead of dying, it gave me diarrhea.

"아잇.. 씹할.. くそ。。" I started to swear in another language.

Drown.. I don't like the thoughts of me dead because of drowning. I also have a bad memories about drowning.

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It was evening at that time (past) ..

My cousin and I were swimming in the river without our parents knowing. Of course it's not just one time, multiple of times! I grinned.

We did that without our parents knowing, even know! I grinned again with devilish smile.

"Looking at it back there, i was a quite genius isn't it?? Hehehehehe .."

There's this time when the low tide happens, so what happen was.. I spot an abandoned old woods drifting in the river. I wanted to look cool in front of my cousin so i took the old wood and tried to climb on it, or rather than just climb.. ride? I fall as soon as climb on it, pretty much sure I dont know how to swim.

Well, i panicked. My cousin just stood there doing nothing, after that i was drowning for a while. My body unconsciously or maybe out of survival things to do, reacted and started to walk like chicken. Of course I didn't know this myself, my cousin told me after all of it was over.

"Ahh shit this too is embarrassing" I

blushed.

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(Back to the present)

"Hehehehehe.. it was hilarious when my cousin act awkwardly and guilty or rather than that, scared? Hahahahaha, oh my gosh my tears is started to tearing .. !! " I laughed, in devilish way definitely.. I nodded agreeing to my words.

She was relieved that i didn't die of course, she's my best cousin after all. I grinned.

After that, I didn't really ask her why she didn't save me, because i already know the answer ..

"heh lol hahaha ,of course it was because both of us doesn't really know how to swim " I laughed again.

Well, I dont want to put her in an awkward position ways so I didn't say it. By all means, i dont really have any grudges towards her even until now, about it. Although i have my other grudges though. "hehe" laugh in awkward. (lol)

"Okay so, drowning too is a big NO!" i shouted in whispered.

"Hmm.. poison is a no, hanging too is no, drowning is a big no.. hmm jump from a high building?? Aish no, that definitely hurts like hell. " I mutter.

Anyhow, i already planned these things and tried them since young. I know i may be pretty a brat, i know theres more people who needs to endure more pain..

"I know.. i know all of that" I mutter.

"However.. what can i do? My anxiety is not getting any better, rather than getting better, it's more ... " I sighed while saying these words.

"Just who am i talking to, just why do i need to explain them one per one?" I give a bitter smile.

I wish there's someone who could hug me whenever i want.. someone who i can complain, someone who i can!..

"I know that i might be crazy thinking about the impossible things, even so .."

I sighed deeply again.

"Remember, the one who's always hearing your words, excuses and complain while crying.. all of those were only existed in your imagination." I said that to myself.

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