Teen Regrets

I thought family was people you can depend on. I thought even though you would make a mistake, they will forgive you. I was too naive. I forgot that they too had their own life. Maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I was just too lazy.

They are people, they are lives. Lives matter. It was my fault that I was lazy, and it was also my fault that people were always angry. And it was my fault that it was always awkward when people were with me.

My brother got angry at me today. He said I was dependent of the fact that I was the only girl, or that I was the "younger one". I understand that it was my fault. I want to say sorry. But, something's stopping me. Is it pride? Ego? Or just pure jealousy? Yeah I'm jealous. Not at the chores that he has, or the genes that he has. I'm jealous at how he's super close with mom, he's able to make awkward spaces lively, and he can show his emotions freely, he has the courage to be straightforward. Meanwhile, here I am, a coward who can't even say sorry.

My hands feel sore, my body goes numb. Every breakdown feels like a rock being piled up one by one on a scale that can lift up only so much. It's suffocating, it's painful, it pierces my heart and tries to break it. I want to die. In times like this, I would usually think of the possible ways I could commit su***de without anyone knowing. But, the coward inside won't let me.

I'm torn; like a piece of paper split by a rock pierced into the center. Like scissors that cuts a paper, or even a flower that once bloomed in the sunshine but is now wilted.

I feel awful. It was my fault, but I'm the one crying as if I was the victim. Just why did I feel lazy today? Why didn't I do just what I'm supposed to do? If I did, then maybe he wouldn't hate me, maybe things wouldn't be weird between us, maybe I wouldn't be ignoring him, and maybe I wouldn't be cautious about my every move in the house that I live and breathe in.

But what's the point of regret? What matters now is fixing your mistake right? Like saying sorry for my mistake, or give him a sorry gift, I don't know. It seems harder than it sounds; and it sounds hard.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just wanted rely on you, you know? I didn't even give a second thought on whether you're tired yourself. I was too childish. I want to say, I'm sorry, can you please forgive me?

I don't know if you'll ever see this childish and cowardly apology in your life. But, amidst everything, bro, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***