Unveiling feelings

Jungkook's POV

I've been curious for this diary for so long as Jimin hyung never hide anything from me other than this. He really get very sketchy when I talk about this diary so i decided, today's the day I'll find out what he's hiding from me.

What can I do? I'm like this because of Jimin hyung. He've spoiled me with everything he have so when he doesn't give me his attention or make anything else his priority , I feel bad. Even when that priority is some non-living thing, I still feel bad thinking am I not important enough to him.

So now, I'm here with this competitor of mine, the diary. We'll get to know in a while what speacial thing this little thing holds to be so close to hyung.

'Hyung must've gone to rest by now.' I thought. I feel bad for teasing him that much. My heart was about to give up when he said he won't talk to me ,ever. But my mind said he won't and that's why I put headphones to not let my heart rule my mind and body.

I sat on the chair , placing the diary on table and turned on the table lamp.

Finally I took a close look of the diary which looks a little old. Maybe two or three years old as the color of cover started to fade from dark blue to sky blue from many areas.

Talking about the cover, here I see a small red paper heart with a roughly drew cake and a smiley in it, glued on top left side which I immediately recognized. It is the same paper heart which I drew hastily when I forgot jimin hyung's birthday and wished a lot later giving heart as an apology which he took more excitedly than I thought.

(A/N : Go at top and play the song now. Enjoy!)

Tracing thumb on it, I turned the first page by my fingers ,gently ,to not damage even a little bit of a paper. The very first was black so I flicked another page to see my picture of trainee days attached to the left page in the middle with something written under it.

"First time I laid eyes on you." I read out loud catching myself by surprise. "Me?" I asked to myself if that 'you' represents me.

Maybe Jiminie hyung wrote this diary for all of us , that's why he keep it secret, to not get embarrassed.

While thinking that I turned over to third page , already mind made up to see other member in training days. But again, all I see is, my picture again on left page with a caption.

"I was having a bad day at training today. But your laugh brightened up my day again, my little packet of happiness" I read and smiled.

Hyung is always so thoughtful.

Okay, let's head forward I thought while skipping reading some neatly written lines on right page and turned over to fourth page to see both pages filled with black inked lines.

I skipped all the reading part first and flicked all pages from starting to end, to see how many and whose pictures these pages hold.

Even though the pages are moving fastly,  I managed to recognize every single picture attached on several left pages of the diary. It was all me! All of my pictures. There's no one other than me!

I'm in dilemma how to react now. Should I be happy knowing that even hyung gave his attention to this diary still the sole reason is afterall me. Or should I be questioning this diary's existence ? questioning why it only have traces of me but not anyone else?

I'm not that dumb to not know what this means but still I'll play dumb and not reach to the conclusion.

Yes, even though the things are pretty obvious at this point still I won't believe it until I find a solid reason to believe it! Because if I do, I won't be able to look him in his eyes, so I hope. I hope things didn't go as what my mind is screaming.

I closed my eyes shut and and with pulsing heart and shaking hands, I opened any random middle page.

By opening my eyes slowly, I focused my dilated pupils on right page while biting my lower lip between teeth nervously and started reading.

...07 Aug, 2014...

..."It's been quite few weeks since I've written anything here. I've been doing anything and everything possible to keep my mind off of you, Jungkook. To get myself used to of you treating me distantly. To not get my mind involved with negative thoughts and to not break down. But guess, I've reached my limits. I'm broken being pushed away by you....

...Is it because i show too much of love? Or that I care too much? Or because I hug you and praise you all the time to show my affection?  And try to always be around you so that whenever you need me I'll be there for you. Maybe yes, that's the reason. And I'm really sorry to realize this late ,that my actions are affecting someone who's the last person I would ever want to hurt in any way. I get that I've been little too much and I'll try to be a better person from now on. I've made you uncomfortable enough, i can't risk to lose you—"...

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" i screamed, backing away while placing my face in palms to relax my spinning head.

Should I read more ? Or should I stop and return the diary, forgetting everything thinking , he wrote this because he's protective of me as I'm the youngest here.

After debating myself on the topic, curiosity of finding the truth got best of me and I collected myself to dig in further.

Lifting my head up I brought my hand back to the diary and randomly opened a page again .

...13 January, 2015...

...5 months since I've stopped showing my affection to you and 5 months since I'm holding my feelings inside. This task of hiding feelings and faking my happiness is still new to me, the most difficult of every obstacle I've come up in my life but I'm still trying. Trying to fight to find that Jungkook who will return my love, who lets me hold him the way I want, who let me shower him with every positive things in this world, without running away from me....

...Don't you worry, I'm running, I'm searching....

...I'm trying to find you ,to hold you, I need you....

...Won't give up till I can't breath no longer....

...I believe, I can't stop, I won't stop....

...'cause I'm gonna find you...

...I'll find you. ...

What is this? What is hyung saying? Did I hurt him that bad? Am I the reason? Am I the culprit for all those days when he didn't eat saying he ate earlier ? For all those sleepless nights he spent saying he was just working on things and forgot to sleep? Was I the cause of his pale face and puffy red eyes when he said he just ate something spicy.

My eyes felt watery as I teared up thinking of all the days I've seen hyung in worst state ,when he insisted he's fine and I never cared to ask more. Even though when I'm unwell ,he keep asking until I accept my defeat, telling him the cause of my sadness which he always managed to replace with a smile on my face.

I focused my blurry vision back to the diary, turning random pages and reading any random line this time.

..."His doe eye lit up when he met an infant today. A baby looking at another baby, just how more perfect anything could be. His bubblegum lips puckered up in cute pout resembling same as that of infant's. Same soft petal like lips, same rosy color, same charm they're adding to their respective faces. Not being biased but exactly being biased that my baby looks more beautiful then any other—"...

I stopped reading while laughing through tears. "Why are you like this, hyung?! That baby was very cute." I said out loud even though he can't hear me, if he could he would've tried to empathize I look more cute than any baby.

I wiped my tear that was about to be dropped on the page. And continued on other page reading, which felt like a big mistake as my mind froze at the line written on the paper.

..."I LOVE YOU, JUNGKOOK!"...

......

I don't know why I bursted in tears. But I did, I cried as I've heard something I've been fearing, that I've been running from. 'What are these emotions? Why am I crying? Why am I breaking inside?' I thought as I sobbed in my palms.

..."I'm usually so strong for you, Jungkook. But today my strong side is betraying me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I'm drowning, I'm falling, I'm falling deep and deeper and trust me I'm not able to stand up now. Save me, Jungkook. Only you can save me. Only your love can save me. ...

...I LOVE YOU!"...

I clutched my heart, almost tearing the fabric of my t-shirt staring at that mare paper which contains my unfortunate name and someone's heart and sorrow with visible prints of tears as black ink of letters is diffused around areas of paper , making those letter smudged.

He was crying hard while writing.

Thinking that ,tears of anger and pain escaped my eyes as I closed them shut after reading same smudged line over and over again.

"He loves me.*snifs* He loves me!" I chanted and stood up dragging my heavy footsteps to the bed and collapsed on it crying.

"Why hyung? Why me ? Among all of these people ,why me?" I talked to myself and burried my face in pillow to muffle my continue cries.

I'm not worthy of your love .I will never be. I can't love you the way you love others. I won't be able to make you laugh like you do to me.

I've been the reason of your tears till now, how will I ever be good enough to be a reason of your eye smile that shines brighter than the sun itself.

I've made you be quiet for so long , how will I ever be encouraging enough to make you talk endless, again. I've forced you into hiding your true self from world , how will ever be bold enough to agree you on showing me or anyone, your heart out.

Why would you love someone like me, someone dumb and insensitive enough to not realize how broken you were all this time. I haven't even did half of what you've done for me. Waking me up daily so I won't have to listen anyone taunting me for sleeping till late, making sure I eat my breakfast ands meals, keeping eye on me in practice room so I won't do something stupid and hurt myself, wiping my sweat off of my head after practice before I could do it by myself, making me drink adequate amount of water after sweating in practice and wishing me goodnight every night.

He's perfect in every possible way, anyone would be the luckiest one to have someone like him. And that's why I don't want him to love me, he deserves someone better than me.

I want to see him with a girl ,who's beautiful, talented, caring and loving. I don't want to see him with a boy, who's immature, dumb, uncaring and blind. I don't want world to bully him for loving a boy. I don't want anyone to look down at him in disgust.

Have you ever thought about the outcome of your love Jimin? To love someone as same gender as you? If they know, they won't let you live a peaceful life and will make you leave everything you have now.

I'm scared. I'm scared for you , scared for me and for us. But despite of that I have to make up my mind. This needs to be stoped before it's too late.

I set back up and wiped my tears , inhaling sharply to calm down.

Thought of loving a man never crossed my mind. My parents raised me to be a man who will find a girl to marry her and have kids in future. I'll be a disappointment to my parents and the world if I couldn't live up to their expectations ,like I've been a disappointment to hyung's feelings till now.

So, I know what I have to do now. I've made up my mind!

With that, I stood up , going to the bathroom, washing and drying my face while looking at my reflection in the mirror pulling on a cold straight face like I didn't sobbed just 2 seconds ago. I came out grabbing the diary from table and hurried my step towards hyung's room.

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