Don't hate me

"I'm bored. Play a game with me."

"No. Your games ends up giving me trouble. I'm not playing with you."

"So, you don't love me ,hyung?"

"....."

"You're a liar. You don't love me."

"I..I Love You, Jungkook!"

JIMIN's POV

A peaceful afternoon and I was sleeping peacefully in my room, after being in practice studio all night. My bones been aching, back hurting and head's been thumping after overworking myself all night. After getting thing's off of my mind I thought I can finally be able to sleep after days of sleepless nights but Jungkook doesn't seem to let me work on it for now.

He came barging into my room complaining how bored he gets when no other hyung is around. They must've gone to studio or shopping since it's sunday , leaving bored Jungkook alone with me. Not like I'm complaining but he's totally a pain in head when bored and I'm not in a position to deal with that.

While rubbing my eyes with palms ,I got up leaning to the bed's headboard and I looked at the digital watch on side table, switching on the table lamp in the process.

"You won't deny to play with me if you love me."

Here he asking me to play with him and here we go again. As always, him, saying I don't love him and me, blurting my feeling out. If only he knew I love him more than a brother or a friend, if only he realized for how long I've been in love with him , if only he had seen my eyes when I look at him, if only he have ever asked what love mean to me, what he mean to me.

My heart have learned to conceal it's feeling with a smile ,but still it hurts. It hurts, when I say I love him and it doesn't mean anything to him. This might be the billionth time I said I love him but not even a first time I see something in his eyes for me.

He smiles at me , he giggles , laughs , hugs and that makes me the luckiest person on earth to witness all, but isn't that he do with other hyungs too? Will he ever see me differently? Will he accept me and treat me the same if I tell him about how I feel for him? Will he hold my hand and promise to never let go? When I hold him in my arms , will he do the same ,like he never did with anyone else? Maybe no. Maybe I think too much. But one thing is for sure, this secret is going to live within me forever. He can't know about this.

Since debut, it's been two years plus one year of my training . I saw him growing from 15 to 18 . With his growth, these three years my love for him grew strong and stronger each passing day and I became more and more good at masking my feelings. Now, I can live with hidden feelings and pain for the rest of my life but would never be able to live if Jungkook hate me. Last thing i would ever want is to hurt Jungkook and to be hated and ignored by him.

I was naive when I used to show too much love and affection towards him earlier which lead to Jungkook being uncomfortable and distant from me that time. That phase of our relationship taught me , Jungkook doesn't see me like I see him and would never want to see me more than a hyung and till now, I've been respecting that.

So I'm doing my part now, playing a role of a good hyung every day. Masking my romantic feeling by brotherhood. Trying best to live in this moment with Jungkook, wanting nothing else than to see him happy.

"Hyung~?" I saw Jungkook waving his hands infront of my face as he set comfortably on other side of my bed wearing black loose t-shirt which seems larger than usual and faded blue denim shorts up to length little above his knees.

Traces of natural rays of sun seeping through the window and golden light of the table lamp perfectly spreading and highlighting his face ,neck and his half chest which is exposed by his loosely hung black T-shirt and making him look hot while angle of lights on his face resulting in creating shadows of his eyelashes, making them seem more fuller, longer and beautiful and eyes bigger , rounder and alluring. His cute nose and puckered up rosy lips adding glory to his face and I couldn't help but think he looks etheral.

He keeps making cute face at me and I finally realized I'm zoning out again.

I don't even remember what were we talking about. Why do I have to be such a day dreamer? "What?" I asked and I swear, I saw a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Just what he wants me to do this time? He knows, I always lose against him so he do it for fun while I do it for love.

"You said you'll play with me because you love me." He said grinning but why do i not remember agreeing on playing?

"Kookie, I don't-"

"Okay, so we're playing truth and dare." This brat didn't even let me complete my sentence.

He's adorably annoying.

"That's nonsense, Kookie. We all live together, we already know everything about each other. I'm not play-"

"Then dare or dare. How does that sound ?" I swear to got ,if he doesn't stop cutting me off. Only if I could shut him up by kissing him senseless but alas.

"No. Truth and dare is less bad." I replied facepalming.

" You mean , 'more good' but okay, whatever, let's start. I'll ask first, Truth or Dare?" He giggled happily now showing his teeth that I love the most in this world. His facial features when he's smiling are pure bliss to me. And If it takes my participation in playing with him to maintain that smile on his face then maybe I can play hundreds of times every day.

Keeping my hyping emotions at side , I tried to look as normal as possible before speaking. "Truth." And followed by a sigh.

I see him scratching his head shyly. Just what on earth he's trying to ask me now? Such a troublesome when bored while I'm exhausted after spending nights in practice studio.

"Umm. What should I ask?" He asked and he looks baby. It takes my all to not praise and hug him at these moments.

"I told you it's a bad idea to play this as we already know everything about each other and what can we even do for dare because I think-"

"Do you love someone hyung?"

"W-what?"

Why , just why he had to ask this to me. Yes ! Yes I do ! I love someone and that someone is you Jungkook, can't you see !

"That's my question hyung. Answer it." He said again, shifting closer to me. Does he know about me? Is he teasing me? If he is ,then that's definitely hurting me inside and the worst, I can't even react to any of this.

" I do."

I fuckin love you ,Jungkook.

"Oh, and who's that ?"

That has always been you.

"I answered your question, Kookie. It's my turn now. Truth or dare? " I honestly don't want to play anymore. I want to be alone for a while, I'm tired ,I'm exausted and maybe that's why things are affecting me more than they usually do.

I see him curling his legs upto his chest while thinking which makes him look smaller. People are usually used to of seeing him as a stronger and giant one but for me he's fragile and tiny . He needs protection from outer world and I'm willing to protect him forever.

"Truth." He said and I wish I could ask him if he ever felt anything about me but I can't.

"Do you have your eyes on someone?" I hope he says 'no' or else I won't be able to digest the fact that he can like someone without even knowing about my feelings and someone else can have him in their life but I can't.

He giggled cutely , being oblivious how it lights up my whole day. "Yes."

WHAT!? No, I must've heard wrong. He don't even go anywhere alone, other than practice studio. Yes, I must've heard wrong.

"Yes, I have."

He have! Just what I've been running from now stands in front of me , laughing at my unfortune. He can like someone. Why have I never considered that? Why have I never thought he'll actually finally love someone someday? Why am I so miserable and dumb!

"Who is it kookie?" I smiled at him because I can never be mad looking up to his innnocent face in spite of the heartache I'm feeling.

He blushed and it broke my heart to see him being like this for someone that is not me. Some luckiest one.

"I meet Lisa often during practice. She says ,she likes being with me. She's actually beautiful and I think she likes me." Seriously Jungkook? Are you really serious? You can see how she likes you but can't you see how much I love you! Can't you see that? Or you don't want to see because I'm a man ?

Now I regret even coming back to my room from practice studio. I wish I wouldn't have agreed on playing this stupid game, it ended up playing with my emotions. I regret asking him that question. I was happy living in my own small bubble of satisfaction that Jungkook is atleast with me ,that I'm not sharing him with someone else but dumb enough of me, this brittle bubble of expectations around me had to be popped one day and today is that unlucky day.

Again, despite of being jealous and sad I have to smile and show I'm happy with that. "Who wouldn't like someone like you , Kookie." That's the truth I said.

My hands wanting to touch the beauty in front of me to ease the physical ache that I'm feeling right now so I did, I ruffled his black hairs which felt like silk in my hand then his cheeks which are feather soft and kissable.

I'm happy he lets me touch him, unlike the initial year, when he used to run away even from my presence. We've come so far if seen from my sight but seems like it is the dead end, like this is all I could get.

He giggled again at my remark and I took my hand back , placing it in my lap and looking at it for many reasons.

"My turn. Truth or Dare?" Not anymore Jungkook, I think that's enough for days or months. Let me learn to live with this new paining feeling. Let me get immune to this new heartache.

"That's it for today ,kookie."

"No! It was just one turn. One more please." He looked at me, pouting with dropped eyes. He does things to my heart that are not even describable.

"No."

"Please hyung, I'm bored." He said, sandwiching my face in both of his palms and coming closer to my face.

Lack of lighting played a great role in masking my expression just now. I'm glad he didn't switched on the lights when he came in ,or he would've seen now how I'm getting breathless being held closer to his face.

When I didn't reply he came more closer to my face, placing his knees between my spread legs. His thighs touched my inner thighs ,making my skin tingle and burn at same time. Still not replying, I placed both of my hands on each side of his waist unconsciously, holding him on place while rubbing smooth small circle by thumbs. His tiny waist feeling perfectly in my hands. He shifted his palms from my face to the my nape gently, making me feel goosebumps around the area and if only he could see, how my eyes got closed at this feather touch. My heart beating so loud that making me anxious if he can hear it. And before I could contain my composure he exhaled out hushedly, releasing his hot breath on my lips which sent me over the edge. My lips quivering to feel his lips, to test how he tastes and how his lips fits on mine. Thinking about that, unconsciously, I held his waist more tight and securely , pulling him more towards me, his hot breaths still fanning my face making me daze in this moment.

"Are you playing?" He asked in hushed voice, making me shiver without even concentrating on words he voiced. And I nodded being lost in his eyes and this feeling. Darkness can't stop me from gazing in his eyes , I can always make out his face in darkest of places.

Suddly, he backed away sitting in his old place flashing a proud wide smile while my body felt neglected at the loss of his warm tender touchs.

"Truth or Dare?" He asked and tried calming down first. Then, I realized he made me submit to play when I didn't even realize.

"Dare." I said with disappointment and he smirked. I knew he planed something!

He intertwined his hands with each other and plastered a smug face before speaking. "I saw you writing secretly in a diary. I want to see it."

Not in a fuckin millions of years I would show him that diary. Not in this life. Everything of me belongs to him, he can have anything but that. He'll hate or worst he'll leave me forever if he finds out what does that diary hold. I can't let him win this time.

"No Jungkook! You can't." My voice came out more panicked than I wanted to, but I don't care, he can't see that.

He snickerd at my denial while narrowing his eyes at me. "You chose dare. Rule is rule, you have to comply with that."

Why am I making too much mistakes today? Who knew I could mess up this badly. What do I do now?! I feel trapped.

"Kookie, try to understand. We can't show everything to each other. That's my personal stuff that I don't want to share with anyone."

He still looked at me with stern look, no matter how stubborn he gets. He won't win. "You said we know everything about each other ? Then why are you hiding that from me. Let me see ,hyung, I will not tell anyone. I promise." He said and I shook my head in denial.

Nope. Still no , Jungkook. I don't care about others if they see it ,I care about you and only you.

"Fine. I was just asking. I know where do you keep it. I'll get it myself." With that he immediately stood up running to the door and took out my diary from a secret camouflaged drawer above the door.

I couldn't process how and what happened just now. I froze on my place with wide, horror evident eyes. My heart stopped for a while and then started beating at abnormal pace while brain felt dizzy due to the lack of dissolved oxygen supply to my nerves after fast heart beating.

"NO! JUNGKOOK!" I shouted but it was too late as he already hurried towards hallway while laughing loud. I immediately threw my blanket away and followed as fast as I could but he already entered his room , shutting the door on my face.

"Listen to me Kookie. Don't read it. Please Kookie! Listen to me just this once, I won't ask for anything else then." I pleaded while knocking on his door but didn't hear any response back.

" Can you hear me, Kookie? Please don't scare me like that. Open the door!" I tried again but again, silence.

"I won't talk to you ever ,if you don't come out!" Again. Nothing. He's ignoring me completely. I know there's no way he can't hear me.

"GO REST, HYUNG. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER." He screamed from inside followed by a laugh.

That means he didn't open the diary yet, I can still stop him. "Listen Kookie, if you care about me even I little then don't read the diary and open the door. I'll cook you your favourite ramen or anything you want." I continued reasoning , getting impatient and panicked every second.

"I'M PUTTING ON MY HEADPHONES NOW. SEE YA IN EVENING, HYUNG."

"No no no no.. jungkookie please! For ****'s sake don't read it ! PLEASE!! OH GOD, ****!" I kept hitting the door repeatedly now. Not caring what will he think of me ,if he's still listening.

It's been 15 minutes since I'm pleading and knocking non-stop on the door but all I can hear is ticking of hallway wall clock and my own cries.

So I decided to drag myself back to my room with heavy heart and aching head.

Reaching inside the dim room ,I locked the door and sank to the floor pulling my hairs. I held my knees closer to chest and buried my face into it, still straining my scalp.

Please Jungkookie, don't hate me after this. Get angry at me, yell at me, curse me but don't hate me.

With that I didn't realize when my eyes starting getting heavy and soon enough all of the strength in me drained out of my body and my weight dropped on the floor resulting in a hit on my head which caused a sharp pain but the exaustion in my system took over my body and I passed out.

"Please don't hate me, Jungkook."

...✨✨✨...

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