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Well, I think i might just write anything I want that cross to my mind. I've been keeping this feeling for too long that I can't take it anymore. I dunno what is wrong with me until now. Its not that serious when I think back and thought about some people go through something more serious and unbearable than me. But, I just. I don't know.

At first, when I was little. I can feel that I'm being loved cause I'm the little one in our family. But, as I grown up or even not that too much it dissappear little by little day by day.

Well, I got quite big fam. I got 6 sisters,, each of them were used to be sooooo close to me. But then, not now. As everyone get married, leaving me here alone not getting married. I can feel the distance even more.

I think its stupid to say that,, am I being jealous? It's true they have their own life and path but, the sense of being abandoned kept growing in me. They used to go out with me before but now? I'm on my own when their fam there and ofc they will left me behind.

I know, it's normal but I just can't. It's my problem ofc. And then, as I grow older. I understand them more and even more. I try to find myself a partner.

I go through high school and being in dormitory. Tho, in my first year in high school. I nearly got a boyf, I can say that we like each other alot. But, we're in diff class and diff minor class so we're not always together in class, except for the prep class. We barely hang out together. It's my first time tho. He is my first love.

When I was so in love with him, then come another guy that time. We're from diff class too but the same minor class so that we normally will see each other quiet alot. And it's like we keep taking interest with each other too. But i never thought it will be turn out so bad when one day my first love asking my friend to tell me "Sumimasen". At that time we both take diff language as our 3rd language. Mine was French and his was Japan.

And what's the worst at that time no one know that meaning of Sumimasen. And after that he keep distancing from me. And it breaks my heart at that time but as for the 2nd guy was there. I hang in there quite well that time until one day we started to ghosting each other. We never confess about our feeling, its just the small and huge sign we shows towards each other. And still, my heart was not okay with what happened between me and my first love.

I kept blaming myself for things that happened. Up till now. And also I never understand why I did that stuff in the first place. Like, what do i want exactly? Just why? And why??!!

Even tho I knew something like that made my heart not in ease at all, but still i didn't changed. I just don't know how. I just can't. And I don't even know if I really had tried to change or not.

I'm feeling lost. I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. Be there when I'm in my hard time. When I'm happy when I'm confused. Everything. But, when I got one, I got easily annoyed. I hate it when they asked too much or talk too less. I always want it in my way, I tried so hard to make them stay but once they got to be mine, and so long time being together, I started to feel bored and annoyed.

I easily get triggered, in relationship, I never feel secure. There's always something that will triggered me about myself like I'm not good enough or all people around me have surpass me that makes me think my partner or anyone around me don't like me anymore.

So here, i'll start writing about myself from the start. Like I said, Im turning this novel section as my own diary. And I really hope people won't judge me. Cause it's just... I'm really stupid and my life was a mess.

If you guys willing to read about what happened in my life. Then it such a big honour cause I can't keep it to myself anymore. Some people might think that it's just normal, things like this might happened to any other people too but yea. It's just me who can't get rid of what's been happening in my life.

I'm losing to courage to live, to love. Until I can't even love myself anymore. I'm lost

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