2: Dazed and

Was this my end? How could I have forgotten? The most important thing I decided to forget. What made me not realize this?

There was actually a number of things that made my brain to entirely forget: his disgusting smell, his disgusting smile, his disgusting body, his disgusting shape. How I wanted that disgusting night to be over before it really began. There was quite a number of reasons and almost all began with disgusting. I put my hand in my mouth, biting my fingers(one of my many flaws;I don't try to correct it). This revelation has now amplified my stress, my anxiety. My pain. I had let this mistake happen and now it could define my whole life. I will have to go to the hospital first to check for any sexually transmitted disease. That slug of a man better not have any.

Second agenda will be buying a pregnancy kit. That will not happen. It can't happen. Any sexually transmitted disease (apart from HIV), will be better than been pregnant. That may be what will finally crush all my broken pieces into dust. So it can't be....

"Are you okay?".

I shriek. Turning towards the voice, I signed dramatically. It was Mitchell.

"You have been out. Like you are on another plane, a different place. Are you okay?" Worried lines etched on her face. Her eyes trying to see my insides.

"I am okay", I assured her with a chuckle, looking everywhere but at her. "Everything is ok.I kinda just dose off. Girl I am really tired".

That was an obvious lie but she doesn't comment on that fact, choosing instead to nod her head, her mouth jutting out like a fish for a moment before facing her business.

I don't even remember why I am here or how I got here. I have been on a daze for way too long. I have been real lucky as I am not dead yet. Because as I said, I have no idea how I got here. Did I trek or use a taxi? My eyes scanned my surroundings quickly, everyone was busy at their desk typing away on their Laptops. At my own desk, my laptop sat idly, peering at me suspiciously for a while. I closed it with the required force; I didn't need any more judgemental stare especially from a machine. Stretching my muscles, I signed ( I seems to do that much: signing), I can't be blamed.

Where was I? I'm at my work place. You know, the place I starve and strife daily just to get a tip. I am an editor at Racks. It is an online magazine which has no main focus, it covers every topic. From which celebrity did what, to the average man's activity. Everything and every somebody's news(that's what they write on the ads).

I have to go now though, I realize. I have to make an appointment to see the doctor at the general hospital before going home to know my fate.

"Let today turn out ok", I mumble a prayer. It doesn't really work; my prayers. But I say it to reassure myself in some ways. Because I still hope for sunny days, nights with stars aligned perfectly. I still hope for light at the end of my dark tunnel. Because if I don't hope, If I decide to lose hope, to fling it across the tile floor, to stop those foolish fantasies from swarming my tiny head, then it's over. It means giving up on life. It means DEATH. So that's why I pray, that's why I go through life trying to hold on.

I get up. Packing my belonging, I wave a quick goodbye to Mitchell who looks at me weirdly. I don't care. Before I leave, I drop by my supervisor office, giving a quick excuse to the woman, not waiting for her reply before I am rushing out, my breath coming out in huffs and puffs.

The tv blares in the background. I was getting comfy on my sofa in my leggings and big brown Tee shirt which has the words Mental health is real written on it. Thankfully, I didn't contact any sexually transmitted disease, so that's a relief. Today at the hospital, in the Doctor's cozy office which I learnt his name to be Dr. Cyprus, my heart was beating all sounds of unhealthy rhymes. I felt I was going to faint or die from delirium as the large man of a Doctor sitting on his large office chair looked at my file pensively. Then he gave me a strained smile before handing me my test results and breaking the good news to me. My heart finally calmed down. I noticed the doctor face whether resting or in motion was pensive and moody and super scary. He should really find another profession before he kills some one with a heart attack.

The test came out all negative but it now remains the other elephant in the room. I held the pregnancy test kit in my shaking hands, cold sweats breaking out. I didn't know if I could go through with this.This was like a big thing about to go down, so don't blame me if I had no courage to go into that bathroom. I sat on my sofa for some minutes, scrolling through channel absently before I decided to do it. Picking up the kit, I rose up with vigour and began a dread filled journey to the bathroom. I did a calming breathing technique with my hands on the doorknob of the bathroom, fingers crossed, I entered.

Five minutes gone, I observed. Some one was at my entrance door, knocking. I opened the door to see a delivery man with apparently a delivery box which I had no clue what's in it as I made no order.

"Delivery for a Miss Richard, is that you ma'am?" He inquires.

"Who sent it? I didn't make any orders", I wondered."

" Ma'am if I were psychic I wouldn't be doing this job", the mailman taunts, irritation etched in his voice. Bringing out a clipboard, he mummers,"Sign here and take your delivery".

The man was clearly holding onto an internal rage or something I didn't care to know about, so I didn't talk to him as much again, only doing the necessaries. Opening the box in a rush, I peered inside to see the contents, it was an underwear with a letter besides it. I grabbed the letter opening it with apprehension. The handwriting was familiar, it wrote,

"The night was great my girl. So sad you had to leave. I hope you are aware— there will surely be a next time. Love, Mr. P.

I broke into a cold sweat, suddenly grabbing the box and puking heavily inside. Staggering up I went to check the result of the test, an earnest prayer on my lips. I couldn't bear to see that man again or have any thing related to him. I brought the test kit up to my face, tears in my eyes, blinding my vision.

My name is Felicity Nox. I am 25 years old living a god forsaken life and I am thankfully not pregnant.

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