first.

I remember what i thought when I first saw him. i was intrigued. He looked better than others did. He seemed better than the others too. Perhaps that was when I should've known, perhaps that was the sign to not fall for such a man. Then again I look at him and think, 'you'd be a fool for ignoring that handsome face.' A fool. That I was but not because of my feelings but because i let him get away from me. A fool i am to lose him in this damned world.

The first day of college was scary, unlike anything I've felt. I knew no one and no one knew me. What scared me the most was that there was a high possibility of people not liking me. i almost puked over the anxiety that day. Since then it turned out that i would take people's stupidity over not been people's favorite any day. i thrived on attention regardless of who was the one giving it. That day I was one of the first ones to arrive and i sat away from those who already arrived. Perhaps it was the adrenalin but i don't remember much from that point on. Ah, though one thing i remember was i only met idiots that day.

Fast forward to a few weeks into college, I met my match of a friend. She was a fine art of human. Smart, beautiful, knew how to shut idiots anytime. I was content knowing i didn't have to act happy and fun around people anymore. she and I a perfect stack of dynamite for ourselves. Her name was unlike her personality. she had a name of a goddess. she was beautiful, but there wouldn't be a day i didn't catch her mulling over herself. In the end, It isn't her name that I ended up hating but her way of loving. It was scary and destroying. She once had a guy head over heels for her, broke his heart to the point he hated her then cried over losing such love and devotion that he had towards her. Her love destroyed good things in a person. such a person didn't deserve a goddess's name. at least that's what I thought. A bit more insight if I may add is that she cared for people who boosted her beauty and intelligence and hated those who were more gifted in such regards. She loved me for my insecurities. she loved me for my broken heart. She didn't love me when i got over my broken heart. Her love broke my doubts... probably the only good thing her love has ever done to a person. She didn't smile at me when i told her i had plans, that i think on my own now. Instead, we keep in touch no more.

In between all such idiocy there came a few friends who though I thought were useless taught me about first-time experiences and happiness more than the other one who was obsessed with herself. They did very little justice to my thoughts. It was just constant care or either revulsion that i held towards them. My feelings for those people who were more of a friend to me than anyone contradicted themselves. I ignored my subconscious telling me they'd leave me, thought it was an impossible thing but now i look back and wonder would have I survived if they didn't decide to leave me to my misery. To my dislike, the answer was me. The one living right now with no one to turn to. the one who was left to her misery and sadness. Me, who ended up being the biggest idiot.

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