I had a healthy relationship with this person
Sike, we weren’t legal.
But yes, we were perfectly in love with each other
But overtime, it made me toxic
How? Well.
There was a person I had a long history of chat during pandemic and they came back to my dm
That time we were sorta in a fight because of me being toxic
I’ll try my best to remember all right.
So the person I was currently with was in a courting relationship with another person before and apparently this person fell for me unexpectedly so yeah all’s great
Except it didn’t feel great to me
I was distraught that I hurt the other person who was supposed to be the one being pursued but the pursuer chose me in the end
That before my person admitted to the other person they liked me insted, the other person actually looked like the one who liked them a lot and was trying to make them work instead.
Mind you, I got to know this other person before and I really liked them. Just that, I didn’t know they were in a courting relationship that time because they hid it from me.
Because of that, I felt really bad for the other person
So yes, after that there was a party and I was really down
Then the person back from pandemic came to my dm, that was the start
I was toxic remember so I replied back
And of course they felt really upset because I was chatting with someone
Oh I forgot, I didn’t know the person was the same person back from the pandemic at that time because they hid their identity.
Thing is the person from pandemic and me were chatting about our life and that included my you-know-what problem in my relationship.
So while I was having a chat, they were clearly jealous.
Not knowing I was using that chat friend to vent all my lovely intentions but I didn’t like how it transitioned exactly
Of course, they had the right to get jealous and I knew I was the one in the wrong.
And I’m saying I hate to hurt them but I am one problematic fella
I didn’t know what to do or what to say.
More importantly, I too was feeling jealous of them being close to one of our popular classmate
Because although I knew they were friends, seeing them sing together as my person play the guitar jamming with the others, it looked lowkey frustrating to my eyes.
I didn’t say that to them because I would sound paranoid and I convince myself I’m not
Which is probably why I felt sort of glad they were getting jealous too
Anyway, I was having problems with confronting them and I was legit about to crash out if I didn’t get clingy with them anytime soon
I got used to being lovey dovey with them
It sounds insane but yeah, I was in love what can I say
And the reason why I’m letting you hear me out here is exactly for the reason being that
As I was crashing out alone on my seat after glancing on the annoying sight of them with the popular classmate
They suddenly went beside me quietly a moment later
I held myself back from lunging at them while feeling pleasantly surprised
It was just perfect.
I just thought then
How can someone be so perfect and lovely and lovable and fcking romantic. I was gonna crash out again
But I held myself back pretending like I’m unaffected while I began doodling on my paper
While I thought to myself how ironic I was acting in contrast with how I was feeling
That was the whole time till we were out of that place
We went to the beach with their friend to talk
All hell broke loose as we talked
I lunged at him while our friend was acting like he’s alone at the beach listening to music
Music with an annoying fodder sobbing in the background
That’s me, apologizing nonstop and begging them not to leave me
I clinged as if there was no tomorrow and they hugged me back the same
Taking that tremendous grip of a hug well
I am confident to admit they are my first love.
They will always be my first love.
They were charming at best.
They sang to me in their ukelele and I’ll always go back thinking about them everytime I hear that song.
But I got toxic because my head was inflating bs that they don’t deserve a lover like me because I wasn’t brave enough to legalize us to my parents
I couldn’t even message them back properly because I was worried my family was gonna catch up about the idea
It resulted me being distracted with my hobbies and neglected them.
It got so bad
I decided to break things off with them because no person should treat them like that
Mind you, the times I neglected them went on for a month and a half but I would go active when I remember to check on them sometimes
Thing is, I would only be active for just a day or a moment
I felt even sorry because they were updating nonstop to me even though I was offline
But hell, I fell harder because of that
Nonetheless , I felt really really bad for them.
It was complicated asf
For that, I no longer want to continue this kind of relationship with them and let them go.
They cried and talked me out of it for so long we were awake till 3am
I kept repeating I fell out of love
Like hell I did.
I was just one absent bastard
But that was the only thing I thought would give them a very good reason to accept things later on.
Except for the fact that even if I still love them, time and circumstances were making it extremely difficult for us
So for this person even though I know it’s impossible for you to read this:
I’m happy you’re moving on from me with someone.
Please don’t lose hope in love because you are certainly without a doubt a wonderful lover and it would be a waste for this world if you wouldn’t.
