Hello, my name is Yuri, I was born in Tokyo Japan, since I was born I think I'm the most unlucky person...at the age of 5 I get Harassed by 3 guys, I never told my mom and older brother...my dad was out of country because of work, me my brother and mom live in a rented house, my mom work really hard and my brother, he is 3 years older than me, everything changed when that incident happened, that guy touch my whole body.

I can't forget that after him...his brother after him, our house owner's son, the first guy keep doing almost everyday I saw him touching my best friend too, just right in front of me.... I couldn't do anything, for the first time I kissed a girl... because I was addict, I turn 8, and it was time for my mom to go out of country for job because that time our condition was not good, I and brother moved in to my aunt...we start living with her and her son, he is one year younger than me...one night I was sleeping beside him, I'm safe there right?.

Wrong, he kissed me and thought I was sleeping he tries to put in his disgusting meat inside me, but he was small...next day he acts normal and me too, age 11, my father came back home I was happy because for the first time I was going to see my dad...I stayed whole night for him, we went to village...I love my dad, and he loves me too, in father daughter way right? I was wrong, at night dad touched me, and even ask me if I want to do it with him or suck it, I feel disgust, at the age of 12, my parents got divorced and my family blame me for everything.

They start telling me to die, and it's all because of me my parents get divorced and me, who heard about my parents divorced from other peoples mouth, for the first time I loved someone, a guy from Osaka, Japan, we talk whole year, and then he starts priority his girl best friend, we broke up, I realized I was the third person in my own story, I dated many boys to forget that one guy..., I lose many friends, and changed school.

At 14 I date a girl...I can't say if it's date or no, she used to be my senior in my previous school, I asked her if she wanted to date me or not...or we can try dating for 1 Month, she agreed, we date for 1 month but I feel like we're not good for each other, I date a guy again...I had many exes.., I was a play girl, playing with peoples feelings was nothing new for me, it was like my hobby and then I met her.

I met her in website called "manga buddy" where everyone can read BL, so I was fan of BL... I commented in one manga, and she replied...we exchanged our Instagram I'd, her name was Angel, from the Philippines...she was sweet, but she said she is apathetic I didn't mind...her condition was just like mine, she also live with her aunt and her parents were divorced... I wanted to give her all my love that I never get, we call each other darling and sweetie....but then I asked her

 "What are we? Friends? Lovers? Or what?" she answered "what do you think we are? I don't think friends have conversations like this with each other" I asked her to be in a relationship with me, she said "are you even bi, or can be with same gender or even date someone before?"

 I said yes...so that's how my relationship starts, we talk to each other almost every day, I get to know her more...she calls herself psychopath...she loves blood and to harm herself.... I also like to harm myself and I tried to even suicide... I don't like seeing her like that, I cried, seeing that...she was red flag, and I was blind... I love her so much and if one day she don't talk to me I would harm myself...

she moved in to Canada, and from there her messages start getting dry day by day, I still love her she said it's because she is busy with her study...just after 1 month I asked her "not overthinking,, but I feel like you're losing interest in me or like someone else she said she had something to tell me, and then she said

 "Yes, I'm losing interest, we should break up"

 I was shocked for a moment then I beg her to stay with me...she said

"Don't you understand? Do you want me to say harshly? I've been in many relationships, and you're the first one I'm breaking up nicely, otherwise I would just ghost them or worse... I was just going with flow"

I keep begging her to stay, and ask her to use me more I cried...and cried, at last I asked her

"I'll let you go if you answer my question, have you ever loved me?"

she answered "no"

 and I let her go...but she broke up nicely she said thank you and good bye...and blocked me...I was just getting better from my anxiety and panic attack..but then this happened, but I guess I already had become heartless...after that I never cried nor smile, after days I start continuing my life happily...I become more creative and spend time with my friends and family, it was hard but I did it anyway.

*YEARS LATER*

 I went Canada, Vancouver at 22...I saw her again...after years, she was there...I feel my eyes getting teary...she was getting married, she saw me and smile...I smile back at her, I can't do anything other than look at her from afar...I wish them happy wedding, I still love her but she is not mine now.

I finally moved on...I went to Korea for the short time, I rented a hotel to stay it was luxurious...I wanted to live my life happily I never thought I'll come this far...but I came, thanks to myself I didn't give up *chuckle*

I'm traveler now....I travel world alone, I met many new peoples and learn many things, today...I went out and do shopping, watch movie, karaoke with my new friends... celebrating my birthday.

I thought peoples are scary but now...I think peoples are kind too, I still remember my past but I don't get hurt anymore.... I'm already healed, I do whatever I want...mom dad calls me sometimes and big brother, he said everyone miss me, and I said yeah me too, I actually don't know what to say... it's not like I hate them, I love them....

my full time job is being an actress, yes, I'm an actress....I love acting since I was kid, I used to act on my own when I was kid, remembering some past things makes me happy....and some..I stay away from it, I'm finally happy but should I tell you a secret? I have brain tumour, I only have 3 months time, that's why I'm living my life whoever I want.

I'm scared, scared of what? Yeah? Scared that I'll die soon... I'm so scared I took many pills but it didn't work... I'm so scared, nobody knows about me..I don't want them to over react, I'm writing this in my diary...I know someone will read this but that time I won't be here...god loves me so much ... that's why he will take me with him too.

"Am I too hard to love?"

"I just wanted to be loved, is that hard?"

"did I do something wrong?"

"am I not enough?"

"why peoples hate me so much?"

"why don't you feel proud of me?"

"am I useless?"

"don't treat me like trash or plaything"

"maybe I'm the problem here"

"don't hate me"

"am I annoying?"

"okay, I'll stay silent"

"help me, getting our of this darkness"

This are the things my head keep repeating, and I hate it so much...I wish someone would have been here...here for me... everyone left me, I said I'm happy because noone asked me if I'm sad or not....this may be my last good bye...I broke my promise, bestie, I give up now....the world is beautiful but not the peoples.

dear diary, you're going to closed here...I hope nobody makes me feel like garbage until next 3 months, I want to be happy...and for peoples who love and care for me...I want to tell them thank you for everything....I close my diary here now.

***Thank you for reading***.

***Enjoy your day😊💐.***

***THE END***.